By Ted Colin
No creature lurking in our deepest nightmares could cause people to sweat rivers of terror tears like, the Michigan Lizard Monster. Just this spring the creature was almost affectionately called lizard boy by local tourist. He then stood a modest one foot tall. Then, as the creature began to steal bacon and pork products his list of crimes committed grew with his height until now he might be better known as lizard man (or woman because no one can actually tell). This creature has now grown to be nearly two meters tall (that’s six and half feet).
The most recent crime the lizard monster committed was against our own native born famous star of TV and stage Miss. Marry Ann Morningstar. Miss. Morningstar’s most famous role was when she once made an “eking” sound for a spider puppet on the TV series “H. R. Puff & Stuff”. Miss Morningstar’s career has not been as robust since then but, she does teach karaoke 1, 2, 3 and 4 and, acting classes at the local community college.
Up until a few hours ago, Miss Morningstar lived in a trailer park with her pet pot bellied pig named Mimi. Miss Morningstar has been working on a comeback Youtube internet special featuring the famed actress and her trained pig. The name of the film was to be Mary loves Mimi. It would have been a true spectacular comeback for the aging actress featuring singing and dancing with her best friend Mimi. This would have been as big as one of those Disney movie musicals except it would have been set in a fairly run down trailer park instead of an upscale high school. Dogs run freely around this park so you would have to watch where you stepped when you dance. This internet musucak would have been as great as West Side Story. But, the pig is no more and all the dreams of public stardom for the former spider princess of television, are gone.
It happened quickly. A few hours ago the Lizard monster came out of no where. Just as Mimi was rehearsing her Michael Jackson moonwalk tribute, the lizard creature grabbed the pig from behind. The drooling lizard man then proceeded to devour the screaming pig in what seemed to be 35 seconds. The lizard monster ate the pig bones and all like, an ear of corn. Miss Morningstar watched with horror as her pot bellied friend was eaten by the evil lizard creature. Miss Morningstar then, looked on helplessly as the lizard man ran on its two back legs, down the muddy trailer park road, crossing the highway and disappearing into a thick growth of spruce trees.
Dogs were called in to track the creature but, the dogs seemed afraid of chasing the creature in the thick underbrush so the search had to be called off. The sheriff said that the attack might have been prevented if everyone in the trailer park had just taken some extra precautions. It seems that a nearby neighbor of Miss Morningstar had been pan frying pork sausage with her window open. The sheriff surmised it was the cooking pork smell that lured the monster into the trailer park. One very disturbing new issue which the authorities are very nervous about is that this is the first attack in which the lizard monster was witnessed eating a living piece of pork. In addition, in the past the creature has preferred cooked pork.
So, when will this terror end so the people of Northern Michigan can resume leading full, meaningful lives with lots of pork products cooked openly outside? Surely, Washington must be able to help us. Many people in Northern Michigan have roots going back to Central and Eastern Europe where pork was the main stay of many of their diets. Every part of the pig was used. Things that nobody likes to look at were ground lovingly into sausages. Of course, cooked pork on the grill always smells good, no matter what the pork is allegedly made of. But, without our open air pork cooking Northern Michigan just does not smell the same.
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