THE SNOWMAN TERROR

HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
By Tim Colin

Last night my brother’s Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full. Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902. Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it. Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive. Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park. Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen. Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend. I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany. Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic. Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America. My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night. I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing. I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman. I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast. I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape. I had things pretty well planned out. Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet. The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon. There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched. Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide. He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow. Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.

Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park. Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move. “Did you see that?” I said.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted. “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard. “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold? Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines. I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid. Or was that Mt. Pleasant? I get those two cities mixed up a lot. I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said. “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way. Where’s’ the bat? We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted. “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea. “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in. I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.” Mike did not rustle under the snow. He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us. You just can’t count on family for anything. I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all. I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried. I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face. I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up. Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard. “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded. “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves. Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit. Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster. The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder. When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat. With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared. Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast. Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack. After a few seconds Gerrard was fine. Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow. I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a bad boy several times this last year.

SOME CALL IT ROAD KILL; WE CALL IT SUPPER

Along Michigan Highways and byways, there are tasty treats waiting there for all of us human carnivores. Carcases and hunks of meat are just lying there to be eaten by the first person or thing, that passes by.

Many people believe that the many thousands of furry morsels are the result of animal mutilations by aliens from another world. Still, others believe that the large number of tar fried critters is the results of excessive speeds on long and lonely Michigan highways where, only the concentration needed for text messaging while driving at excessive speeds, keeps many drivers sane.

One restaurant in Northern Michigan that specializes in road found meats is called the Shoulder Side Brisket and Biscuit. Each morning before going to the restaurant he owns and manages, Chef Louie DeCorpsey heads along the highways of Northern Michigan with his Special 008 Department of Natural Resources licence to pick up the recently deceased dinner bargains.

Over the years, Chef DeCorpsey has served up the most incredible meals made from the strangest of animals. "Most of the time," Chef DeCorpsey explains, "I don't know what the stuff is I'm picking up. Sometimes I get whole steaks. Other times, it's just hamburger. If it's been lying around long enough, it may already be turned into a nice bisque. The only problem I have is that sometimes with the larger animals there is a lot of windshield glass embedded in the meat. Getting out the glass is time consuming however, for the price, I can't complain."

Chef DeCorpsey passes on much of his savings to his customers. His $1.99 Gag Me With A Spoon Skunk Soup is a favorite with the local people. One elderly lady commented "I haven't had such good skunk soup since my granny used to make it during the depression".

Raccoon Raspberry Cream Pie and Squirrel Turnovers are among the favorite desert dishes served up at this little gem of a restaurant located in Northern Michigan. Of course the Porky Pine Nettle Tea will send quills up your spine.

POLAR BEAR HUNTING IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
So far this year I have had no luck at all bagging a polar bear during the month long polar bear season we have here in the Lower Peninsula of Michigan. It’s not that I have not seen plenty of polar bears in Michigan but the polar bears that I have seen were at outdoor events where there were thousands of people from down state Michigan. My high powered rifle that might take down a polar bear if I hit him directly in the brain or the heart, would if I missed take out forty or fifty man-sized tourists from downstate. In Michigan there is a fine of up to $100.00 for each tourist you accidentally shoot. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to scrape up the money to pay off a $4,500 fine just because I wanted a polar bear rug for my office.

Now the reason you find polar bears around tourist from downstate is that many people downstate fish in Lake Erie for a creature called a sauger. Many fishermen downstate believe that saugers are a fish related to a walleye. In fact, saugers are not a fish at all but instead, they are just a species of freshwater seal. Of course seals are one of the main animals that polar bears eat. The problem for people who eat sauger is that the smell of the animal comes out in the pours of the person that eats it. Saugers are like onions. If you consume them their smell creeps out under your armpits and when you raise your arms everyone around you knows what you’ve been eating.

So, from the perspective of polar bears, when tourists from downstate lift up their arms it is just like ringing a dinner bell. Of course people who eat tuna and then go swimming in Lake Michigan have the same problem with sharks.

Now polar bears are not native to Michigan. Instead they come from Canada. The reason there are so many creatures like polar bears, big foots and lizard men in Northern Michigan is because Canadian children are so spoiled by their parents and grandparents. Every Canadian child wants a baby polar bear, big foot or lizard monster for a pet and so, their parents and grandparents give the kids an adorable and very little monster as a pet. Unfortunately, once these creatures start to grow it becomes harder and harder to afford to feed them. Soon, things start to go missing like the mail man and the paper boy. Inevitably, the parents finally decide that the creature has outgrown their home and so they take them for a ride down to the Lower Peninsula of Michigan.

The parents take these monsters down to the Lower Peninsula of Michigan because the parents figure that the creatures would never be able to find their way back home from there. The parents figure that none of these animals could afford to pay the toll at the Mackinaw Bridge let alone pay the toll going into Canada. The problem is that then these creatures become a menace for Northern Michigan tourists. The area I live in is beautiful so lots of people who eat sauger want to come and visit here. So please, people of Canada; if you have a big foot, polar bear or lizard monster as a pet won’t you please just have it spade or neutered. This has been a public service announcement.

MARCH IS MAPLE SYRUP MONTH IN MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Last week I decided to go into the maple syrup business. Tourists are willing to pay a fortune for just a small bottle of Michigan Maple syrup. I figured that if I could sell a thousand bottles of maple syrup at $10.00 per bottle then I could clear $10,000.

Now a person who lives in Northern Michigan that has $10,000 would be looked up to like Donald Trump. Then, I could get a girlfriend who wasn’t so shallow that she cares only about my personality. Instead, I could get a deep thinking girlfriend who is impressed with my bank account.

Of course in order to clear $10,000 I realized that I would have to keep my expenses low. I also realized that I would need some help to do all the work. I was able to recruit an employee of this blog named Gerrard. He’s a big guy and not too bright. I decided to pay him by letting him have any leftover syrup. I told him he could lick the pots clean. This would in turn save on having to use soap and water.

Next I realized that I needed a kitchen to cook up the syrup. I was able to buy a small trailer at a police auction for only $10.00. It was a great trailer with a really nice kitchen in it. Apparently, the crooks that owned the trailer must have liked to cook stuff. The only problem with the trailer was that it made Gerrard and me really dizzy every time we were in it. Of course opening the windows and letting fresh air in helped a lot.

Getting free bottles to use was really easy. I just sent Gerrard down to the local landfill and he picked up about ten garbage sacks of catsup bottles. I even saved money on washing and sanitizing the bottles b using some old pesticides called DDT that my parents had in their shed. The only thing left to do was gather up the maple sap and cook it down into maple syrup. I had Gerrard do that work meanwhile; I produced a bunch of labels on the Humor News Nuts printer that the owner just bought so he could download income tax forms. I figured since I’m the editor of several of his blogs using his stuff for my own business was just like one of those Wall Street executive bonuses. It is kind of like “Don’t ask don’t tell”. As long as the boss don’t ask me if I’m using his stuff I am certainly not going to tell him.

Well, after I made up the labels to put on the syrup bottles I went over to the trailer to see how things were cooking. I knew that Gerrard had gone out and gotten a bunch of sap and he was supposed to be cooking it down into delicious Michigan Maple syrup. The trailer was parked out on 40 acres that used to belong to an uncle but he lost it in a game called Russian roulette. Of course the guy my uncle lost to actually lives in Russia so I suppose he wouldn’t care if I squatted my trailer on his property for a while. Besides, the neat thing about Michigan backwoods law is that if you squat on someone’s place for seven years you get to claim it for your own.

Unfortunately, when I arrived at the trailer I found the trailer and the forty acres to be blazing in fire. I asked Gerrard what had happened. Well, it seems that all the maples on the forty were in the back and Gerrard was too lazy to walk that far so instead of tapping the maple trees in the back he tapped the white pine trees that were up near the trailer. Of course the tar from the trees is highly flammable hence; Gerrard caused one of the biggest fires that Northern Michigan has ever seen.  That is is anyone was around to see it.  You see we were so back in the backwoods that nobody noticed and most likely nobody cared.

ROAD KILL RESTAURANT

By Tim Colin
I just got back from the best road kill restaurant I have ever gone too. The place is modestly called “The Tire Stake Café”. They serve the widest variety of animal stakes in the country. They even have stakes that come from Michigan endangered species like: the golden gopher, the lilac smelling skunk, the two headed square faced deer, the saber toothed tiger and even the speckled, plump rump Yeti. This food is yummy for your tummy.

Chef Hebert Hubert told me that the reason the road kill at his restaurant was so delicious was that he used only the juices of the animal itself to flavor the food. He told me that it was a little more work to suck up the juices off the payment but, the result was always well worth it. Chef Hubert also told me that none of his meat ever needed to be tenderized. He said the weight of vehicles running over the meat for a few days, along with the constant pecking at the carcass by crows and seagulls, made the meat so tender that it would melt in your mouth.

Chef Hebert was so right about the meat melting in your mouth. In fact, the meat is so tender you have to eat it with a spoon. The meat will just drip through the tongs on a fork. I noticed that there were many very elderly patrons in the café who were using straws to suck up their meals.

With such a fine cuisine you would think that this café was a really price place to eat. Actually, the restaurant is one of the cheapest places I have ever dined. The special is an all you can eat meat buffet for only $1.99. Is that not a spectacular price? They even take competitors coupons so you can really eat cheap. I asked Chef Hebert why his prices were so competitive and he told me that because his meat was so tender, he saved a fortune on knives. He said that he liked to pass his savings on to the customers.

Overall, “The Tire Stake Café” is a great place to eat. The food is priced for the common man but tastes like it was prepared for kings. There is also a certain quaint ambiance about the café. For aesthetic purposes, there are no electric lights or indoor toilets in the Café. With no doors or glass in the windows you really don’t need any lights. Furthermore, there is an authentic outhouse that sits in front of the building but, you must make sure you ask for a roll of toilet paper before you go out to use it. They won’t actually give you toilet paper but instead, they will give you a handful of leaves. It really is an authentic backwoods restaurant. After my experience with “The Tire Stake Café” all I can say is that I am definitely going back for seconds.

A NORTHERN MICHIGAN FESTIVAL WITH FUNGUS AND A PETTING ZOO

THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN FUNGUS FESTIVAL
By Tim Collin
Editor In Chief,
Humor News Nuts Publications

This year marks the 300th anniversary of the annual Fungus Festival in the little northern village of Foot Michigan. The festival is very important to this little town since it is the only source of revenue to sustain 14 residents, two ducks and a black bear named Sandy. The festival is extremely important for Sandy since she is in charge of the towns sanitation department. Sandy really cleans up after the festival and gains an average of 200 lbs. Without having to forage for food anymore for the year Sandy can slip right into hibernation even though the Fungus Festival ends May 1st. What an enviable position; only having to work one week each year and then being able to lie around in your cave the other fifty one weeks.

Now the two ducks are the featured attraction at the towns petting zoo. They are the only live animals there and are joined by a stuffed fox, a Marten and a skunk. The little kids especially like to pet the skunk even though the display is getting kind of old and the glass eyes keep falling out. The town mayor has told me that Mr. Ziegler, who owns the farm at the end of 1st street, has agreed to donate his old dog Patches to the petting zoo when the animal passes on. The mayor seemed quite enthused about replacing the skunk with Patches since Patches was born with only three legs and no tail. Hence, the mayor said they could advertise a "Petting Zoo And Freak Show" on the billboard sign near the highway. The mayor hopes this will bring in some tourist business during the off-season when the Fungus Festival is over.

As for the Fungus Festival itself, it has been a bad year for fungus growth in the woods of Northern Michigan. In fact, there is still a foot of snow on the ground all around this quaint little village. To compensate for the lack of fungus growing in the forest, the town fathers cleaned out the township treasury and hitchhiked to and from the nearest supermarket which was located some 50 miles away. At the supermarket the town fathers bought up all the packages of fresh mushrooms that were available. Unfortunately, all the whole mushrooms were sold out and the only ones available were sliced. The mushrooms were white in color so they are very hard to see once sprinkled around in the snow.

Still, the tourists that have shown up so far were not too terribly troubled about the mushroom situation. Instead, they just showed up looking for a fun time and asking for directions on how to get to the Sou Locks. Hopefully, another vehicle will show up full of tourists who are equally as enthused about the Northern Michigan Foot Fungus Festival.

 

DON’T CHEW YOUR BANANNA WHEN MAKING WINE

By Tim Collin
Editor, Humor News Nuts Websites

Most people in Northern Michigan know how to make banana wine.  There are literally millions of internet sites dedicate to making banana wine.  However, most people in  Northern Michigan learn how to make banana wine when they are only twelve or thirteen years old (in other words, the first time they go to jail).  All you need is a cooked banana, just shy of a gallon of water, a cup of sugar and a package of yeast.   Just mix it all together in a milk jug and ten days later it is time to party.

 Regular Northern Michiganders call this “Happy Winter Wine”.  Banana wine is a winter wine because there is nothing that grows in Michigan in the winter and bananas are about the only fruit that wage earners in Northern Michigan can afford.

Now ten day old wine is good for the fact that it does make people happy but it does not make them crazy.   Only about one in four banana wine drinkers commits any type of felony while they are drinking.  That is almost the same as coffee drinkers in Northern Michigan.

With all that is said above it is still best to give out a warning to all potential banana wine creators.  This warning involves the banana itself that lies mostly on the tope of your banana wine milk jug.  In short, don’t eat your banana.  Eating your banana is very hazardous to your health

In the Journal of Mediocre At Best Medicine it has been reported that people who chew on and eat the banana  they  have in their banana wine, not only become uncontrollably intoxicated but, they suffer hallucinations not much different then eating magic mushrooms.

So, if you want to really experiment with the really bad stuff then go ahead, eat your banana and see what happens. But, at least be socially responsible.  Don‘t share your banana with anyone else..