By Tim Colin
This past weekend I attended the 14th Scat Festival that is held every other six months in the Northern Michigan town of Coliform City. The festival celebrates the opening of scat hunting season which runs from October until September each year. There is of course the crowning of the Scat Queen and her court along with the Scat Festival parade and family oriented beer tent complete with a hard liquor bar and people dressed up in wild animal costumes to celebrate the wildlife that produces such an abundance of scat in our Northern Michigan woodlands.
In addition to the family fun under the beer tent there are other activities designed to both educate and fascinate everyone who enjoys Michigan festivals. One tent is dedicated to the merchants and vendors who have always worked hard to give Coliform City the name it deserves. Inside the merchant tent you will find an abundance of items which are partially or completely made from scat. I personally bought a tee-shirt with real scat on the front and the back which depicted a wilderness seen. I could not resist the beauty of the shirt with its many different hues of browns, grays along with the old standby black scat.
In addition to the tee-shirt I also bought some scat scented candles for my ex-girlfriend. We only went out on one date before she broke up with me but, I’m hoping these scat scented candles will make her want to come back to me and get married or something.
One of my favorite places in the Scat Festival Merchants tent is the long row of people offering up consumables made from the most versatile material known as scat. There was a variety of items including scat scampi which is made from scat retrieved from the catfish ponds at the Willows farm. There were scat burgers and scat hotdogs which have just a touch of mint added to each to heighten the aromatic fragrances emanating from the scat. I chewed down on scat sausage and later had my fill of rhubarb/scat berry pie. The pie of course was made from bear scat retrieved from a grove full of blackberries. Boy was that delicious.
The rarest consumable in the merchant tent was the scatsup. Scatsup comes from the Hildebrandt Tomato Farm. Scatsup is one of Michigan’s major exports to foreign countries like Pittsburg and Seattle. Scatsup is an expensive commodity as it sells for more than $800 for a half oz. After talking to Dominick Hildebrandt at the scatsup both I realized that scatsup was expensive because it is made from the scat of green tomato worms. It seems that because the tomato worms are so small that each worm only produces about a teaspoon of scat before the tomato worm surcomes to malathion poisoning. Of course it is the malathion that produces the hallucinogenic affects which is what makes scatsup so sought after by the best restaurants around the world. So anyway, the Hildebrandt tomato farm covers about 900 acres but produces just eight gallons of scatsup each year.
Dominick pointed out to me that many entrepreneurs have tried to make large amounts of money by selling a knockoff scatsup product known as sketchsup. The sketchup schemes begin with an entrapanuer donating like a truckload of overly ripe tomatoes to a homeless shelter. Twenty four hours later these men show back up to the homeless shelter and ask for their tomatoes back. Most of the people at the shelter oblige the men and give back to the entrepreneur human scat which contains the tomatoes. Of course human scat has a very foul pungent taste and odor and that is easily detected by connoisseurs who have a trained nose and palette.
After leaving the festival I could not but help wishing to return to the next Scat Festival in the little town of Fecal Michigan. I was also starting to become anxious to receive my license in the mail which would allow me to hunt scat anywhere in Kalkaska County. I hope to get enough scat this year to invite to a scat cookout all of my friends and, family and, hopefully my ex-girlfriend.
The Humor News Nuts publishers and staff are at it again. They have a particular way of looking at things and events. If they are ever right about anything, that will be the only real news that these inept persons come up with. This entire publication is pure fiction. Even the writers don't exist to protect their identities. So, get ready outdoor enthusiasts although, you might not be enthused however, you might just be amused.
Wednesday, November 22, 2023
Monday, November 20, 2023
THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER
THE LEGEND OF THE FRANKENMOOSE
By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts
The legend has it that the Frankenmoose was created by a German surgeon and neurologist named Dr. Stein Franken. He was a Professor at The University of Michigan Medical School and lived near the town of Frankenmuth Michigan. Dr. Franken lived on a busy highway just out of town. There was a bend in the highway in front of Dr. Franken’s house and there were many fatal accidents.
Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leaped out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
Dr. Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slammed into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival.
The resulting creature was something the world had never seen before. It had the legs and claws of a tiger, the trunk and head of a moose and, the ears of the driver. The creature also had a brain made up of human, tiger and moose brain cells the resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of the human truck driver. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
You may ask why Dr. Franken did what he did. Many believe that Dr. Stein Franken was a mad man that was taking the opportunity to experiment with life by bending the very laws of nature. Still others believe that Dr. Franken was operating in the most humane way he could and any person with his skill, placed in the same position, would have acted in the same manner. However, the fact that Doctor Franken was wearing Lederhosen and had just returned from a full day dancing the polka at a beer tent, leads most to believe the good doctor had greatly impaired judgment at the time of the accident. The fact that he had to be driven home from the beer tent seems to further bolster the idea that Dr. Stein Franken had a drinking problem that day.
Doctor Franken had a barn in his back yard where he assembled and then kept the creature. No one was aware of the creatures’ existence. There was such a mess on the highway that the body parts used to create the creature were never missed. . Meanwhile, the creature healed itself in the barn with Dr. Franken giving the creature a meat/ plant plasma substance in an intravenous tube. The doctor tried to nourish all the original animal parts. Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. At first, the creature seemed uncomfortable using the bathroom. Dr. Franken left the creature a little pot to help the monster feel more human. After that, the creature seemed to calm down and he no longer worried about where he relieved himself.
At first the creature seemed quite at ease with Dr Franken, his wife, and their children Celine and Angeles. The children rode the creature around the back yard. They played tag football with the monster and, they even invited it to join them in their nightly bratwurst cookouts. There as one sign of a potential problem. The doctor began to notice that small amounts of his grass were missing. He figured that the children were too young to be getting into his grass. His wife said she was not doing it. Besides, it was her grass too.
One night, during the family bratwurst cookout, the creature accidentally swished his tail across the fiery grill and his tail caught fire. The creature ran back and fourth across the yard until he finally drug his rump several feet across the grass dogie style. This put out the fire on the monsters tail but, it ignited a fierce insanity in the beast. The creature chomped down a bratwurst from the little girls’ hand, guzzled the entire keg of beer the doctor had for himself for the evening, then the creature bounded out into the vast acreage of corn fields that surrounded the doctors’ home.
The creature had escaped from the doctor and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chased down fans that smelled like grass. The Frankenmoose chased after some of the fans if he smelled grass on their clothing. The monster would also rip up any AstroTurf he came across. Apparently the Frankenmoose felt that AstroTurf was an abomination not just because it tasted bad but, because it spoiled the game of football. Man was not made to play such a great sport on plastic grass. That is what I believe the Frankenmoose must have been thinking.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful sleeping pill into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game.
The monster was then taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Sutton's Bay Michigan. There they entertain friends and try to forget the tragedy that caused their family such great horror and sorrow. Their children also share the burden of their fathers’ mistake. Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that the Frankenmoose will forever make bratwurst an indigestible food for the Stein Franken family.
By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts
The legend has it that the Frankenmoose was created by a German surgeon and neurologist named Dr. Stein Franken. He was a Professor at The University of Michigan Medical School and lived near the town of Frankenmuth Michigan. Dr. Franken lived on a busy highway just out of town. There was a bend in the highway in front of Dr. Franken’s house and there were many fatal accidents.
Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leaped out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.
Dr. Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slammed into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival.
The resulting creature was something the world had never seen before. It had the legs and claws of a tiger, the trunk and head of a moose and, the ears of the driver. The creature also had a brain made up of human, tiger and moose brain cells the resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of the human truck driver. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.
You may ask why Dr. Franken did what he did. Many believe that Dr. Stein Franken was a mad man that was taking the opportunity to experiment with life by bending the very laws of nature. Still others believe that Dr. Franken was operating in the most humane way he could and any person with his skill, placed in the same position, would have acted in the same manner. However, the fact that Doctor Franken was wearing Lederhosen and had just returned from a full day dancing the polka at a beer tent, leads most to believe the good doctor had greatly impaired judgment at the time of the accident. The fact that he had to be driven home from the beer tent seems to further bolster the idea that Dr. Stein Franken had a drinking problem that day.
Doctor Franken had a barn in his back yard where he assembled and then kept the creature. No one was aware of the creatures’ existence. There was such a mess on the highway that the body parts used to create the creature were never missed. . Meanwhile, the creature healed itself in the barn with Dr. Franken giving the creature a meat/ plant plasma substance in an intravenous tube. The doctor tried to nourish all the original animal parts. Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. At first, the creature seemed uncomfortable using the bathroom. Dr. Franken left the creature a little pot to help the monster feel more human. After that, the creature seemed to calm down and he no longer worried about where he relieved himself.
At first the creature seemed quite at ease with Dr Franken, his wife, and their children Celine and Angeles. The children rode the creature around the back yard. They played tag football with the monster and, they even invited it to join them in their nightly bratwurst cookouts. There as one sign of a potential problem. The doctor began to notice that small amounts of his grass were missing. He figured that the children were too young to be getting into his grass. His wife said she was not doing it. Besides, it was her grass too.
One night, during the family bratwurst cookout, the creature accidentally swished his tail across the fiery grill and his tail caught fire. The creature ran back and fourth across the yard until he finally drug his rump several feet across the grass dogie style. This put out the fire on the monsters tail but, it ignited a fierce insanity in the beast. The creature chomped down a bratwurst from the little girls’ hand, guzzled the entire keg of beer the doctor had for himself for the evening, then the creature bounded out into the vast acreage of corn fields that surrounded the doctors’ home.
The creature had escaped from the doctor and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chased down fans that smelled like grass. The Frankenmoose chased after some of the fans if he smelled grass on their clothing. The monster would also rip up any AstroTurf he came across. Apparently the Frankenmoose felt that AstroTurf was an abomination not just because it tasted bad but, because it spoiled the game of football. Man was not made to play such a great sport on plastic grass. That is what I believe the Frankenmoose must have been thinking.
After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful sleeping pill into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game.
The monster was then taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Sutton's Bay Michigan. There they entertain friends and try to forget the tragedy that caused their family such great horror and sorrow. Their children also share the burden of their fathers’ mistake. Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that the Frankenmoose will forever make bratwurst an indigestible food for the Stein Franken family.
Wednesday, November 15, 2023
MICHIGAN BACK FORTY WHISKY STILL KEEPERS SEE BAD WINTER COMMING
By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.
The Back Forty Whisky still Keepers Association has issued a statement regarding giving out free samples of product to lumber jacks. It seems that back forty whisky and cutting down trees is not a good mixture. In fact there is a drink in Northern Michigan called the Flattened Lumberjack. One drink and you feel like a big pine tree that you felled wrong flattened your body. The good news is that after a drink of backwoods whisky even if a tree does fall on you, you won't ever feel a thing.
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.
The Back Forty Whisky still Keepers Association has issued a statement regarding giving out free samples of product to lumber jacks. It seems that back forty whisky and cutting down trees is not a good mixture. In fact there is a drink in Northern Michigan called the Flattened Lumberjack. One drink and you feel like a big pine tree that you felled wrong flattened your body. The good news is that after a drink of backwoods whisky even if a tree does fall on you, you won't ever feel a thing.
Wednesday, November 8, 2023
NORTHERN MICHIGAN DEER HUNTING ADVICE: TOILETS IN THE WOODS
by Mike Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts
Well, it's deer hunting season again and I'm getting ready to go way out into the deer woods and see if I can't bag me a big buck. I've got my dad's 30'06 rifle and that gun will take'em down but, I also picked up some buckshot so I could get a buck this year but, I can't seem to get the ammo to fit. I sure hope I can figure it out while I'me out in my deer blind.
As far as blinds go I've put the best one together. My girlfriend lets me use her credit card when she isn't looking and this year I used her card to have a wrecker haul in a bunch of old cars and set them up in a fortress. I think I'm going to get in between the cars and be able to peer out at the deer or have a "deer peer." I'm not that big of a dude so, I should able to hide quite easily from the deer. Also, the metal in the vehicles should give me personal protection from other hunters. The deer woods is a dangerous place in Northern Michigan.
I'm not hunting with my brothers this year so, I don't expect to get anymore wounds. My one brother is always drinking and shooting at everything that moves. My other brother just seems to like shooting at me. I'm sure he means to miss me but, I'm beginning to hate spending every Thanksgiving on life-support.
Hunting without my family will seem kind of different this year but, my brothers and cousins all sat down on the toilet seats at the county fair and seem to have developed a rare form of terminal scabies. You would think that with all the skin diseases my family has had over the years that we would have developed an immunity to those little scabies bugs. Of course, you would think that grown men would know better than to sit down on public toilets in Northern Michigan. My cousin Lacey claims she got pregnant from a public toilet. After hearing that I decided that toilet seats were just too dangerous to sit down on.
Now, for most deer hunters the woods is their toilet. Every hunting season the lives of a lot of trees are saved as hunters switch from using toilet paper to leaves, grass and of course twigs and sticks for older hunters. There are some hunters who want to show how tough they are by using pine cones. Others, like going bear-style by rubbing against some rough tree bark. Overall, the type of natural toiletries used is just one of those things that make deer hunting a memorable experience.
Well, it's time for me to hit the hay and get some sleep before my hunting adventure begins tomorrow. Finally, I wish all of you hunters out there the best of luck hunting and I wish all of you non-hunters out there the best of luck at avoiding the many stray bullets this season is sure to bring us. And of course, everyone should make sure that they know their blood type. It saves a lot of time once you get to the emergency room.
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts
Well, it's deer hunting season again and I'm getting ready to go way out into the deer woods and see if I can't bag me a big buck. I've got my dad's 30'06 rifle and that gun will take'em down but, I also picked up some buckshot so I could get a buck this year but, I can't seem to get the ammo to fit. I sure hope I can figure it out while I'me out in my deer blind.
As far as blinds go I've put the best one together. My girlfriend lets me use her credit card when she isn't looking and this year I used her card to have a wrecker haul in a bunch of old cars and set them up in a fortress. I think I'm going to get in between the cars and be able to peer out at the deer or have a "deer peer." I'm not that big of a dude so, I should able to hide quite easily from the deer. Also, the metal in the vehicles should give me personal protection from other hunters. The deer woods is a dangerous place in Northern Michigan.
I'm not hunting with my brothers this year so, I don't expect to get anymore wounds. My one brother is always drinking and shooting at everything that moves. My other brother just seems to like shooting at me. I'm sure he means to miss me but, I'm beginning to hate spending every Thanksgiving on life-support.
Hunting without my family will seem kind of different this year but, my brothers and cousins all sat down on the toilet seats at the county fair and seem to have developed a rare form of terminal scabies. You would think that with all the skin diseases my family has had over the years that we would have developed an immunity to those little scabies bugs. Of course, you would think that grown men would know better than to sit down on public toilets in Northern Michigan. My cousin Lacey claims she got pregnant from a public toilet. After hearing that I decided that toilet seats were just too dangerous to sit down on.
Now, for most deer hunters the woods is their toilet. Every hunting season the lives of a lot of trees are saved as hunters switch from using toilet paper to leaves, grass and of course twigs and sticks for older hunters. There are some hunters who want to show how tough they are by using pine cones. Others, like going bear-style by rubbing against some rough tree bark. Overall, the type of natural toiletries used is just one of those things that make deer hunting a memorable experience.
Well, it's time for me to hit the hay and get some sleep before my hunting adventure begins tomorrow. Finally, I wish all of you hunters out there the best of luck hunting and I wish all of you non-hunters out there the best of luck at avoiding the many stray bullets this season is sure to bring us. And of course, everyone should make sure that they know their blood type. It saves a lot of time once you get to the emergency room.
Labels:
buckshot,
deer hunting,
rifle bullets,
toilets in the woods
Wednesday, November 1, 2023
THE TERROR OF THE SNOWMAN
HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
By Tim Colin
Last night my brother’s Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full. Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.
Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902. Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it. Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive. Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park. Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.
According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen. Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend. I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany. Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”
I saw absolutely no problem with his logic. Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America. My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.
Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night. I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing. I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman. I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast. I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape. I had things pretty well planned out. Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.
When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet. The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon. There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched. Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide. He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow. Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.
Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park. Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move. “Did you see that?” I said.
“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted. “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”
“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard. “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold? Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines. I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid. Or was that Mt. Pleasant? I get those two cities mixed up a lot. I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”
“Would you guys shut up,” I said. “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way. Where’s’ the bat? We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”
“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted. “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”
I had a better idea. “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in. I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.” Mike did not rustle under the snow. He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us. You just can’t count on family for anything. I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all. I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried. I followed them.
When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face. I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up. Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.
“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard. “Is he still alive?”
“Right now that’s not important,” I responded. “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves. Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit. Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”
Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”
Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster. The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder. When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat. With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared. Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast. Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack. After a few seconds Gerrard was fine. Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.
I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow. I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a bad boy several times this last year.
By Tim Colin
Last night my brother’s Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full. Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.
Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902. Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it. Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive. Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park. Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.
According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen. Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend. I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany. Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”
I saw absolutely no problem with his logic. Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America. My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.
Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night. I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing. I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman. I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast. I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape. I had things pretty well planned out. Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.
When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet. The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon. There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched. Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide. He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow. Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.
Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park. Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move. “Did you see that?” I said.
“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted. “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”
“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard. “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold? Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines. I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid. Or was that Mt. Pleasant? I get those two cities mixed up a lot. I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”
“Would you guys shut up,” I said. “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way. Where’s’ the bat? We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”
“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted. “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”
I had a better idea. “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in. I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.” Mike did not rustle under the snow. He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us. You just can’t count on family for anything. I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all. I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried. I followed them.
When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face. I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up. Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.
“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard. “Is he still alive?”
“Right now that’s not important,” I responded. “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves. Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit. Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”
Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”
Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster. The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder. When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat. With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared. Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast. Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack. After a few seconds Gerrard was fine. Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.
I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow. I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a bad boy several times this last year.
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