NORTHERN MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER BECOMES MORE DANGEROUS

By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

The lizard monster is getting bigger and feeding more. He has spread his siege of terror across Benzie, Grand Traverse and now Leelanau counties. Campers and residents alike have fallen victim to his voracious appetite for bacon. Unfortunately, this creature is growing not just in reputation but, he is getting much bigger than he was when the fist reports started coming in.

The once foot tall creature is now almost three feet tall. It seems he has gone from being a lizard boy to being a lizard tween (not quite a teenage lizard but, no longer just a boy). Lizardologists (scientist who study lizards) would call him a twizzard. The real problem now is that with the growth of his physical body, this absconder of pork products now has an even more voracious appetite.

The latest reported victims were a couple in their 60’s who recently retired from downstate to a quiet cottage just outside of Suttons Bay. Dr. and Mrs. Stein Franken were the last victims of the lizard creature’s appetite. This was an especially cruel attack since the good Dr. Franken and his wife had moved to Northern Michigan to get away from the stigma the couple felt for the involvement of Dr. Franken in the creation of the monster known as the Franken Moose. The Doctor and his wife were sure they could put the past behind them in their quiet woodland cottage far from the technologies that made the creation of the Franken-Moose monster possible. Oh, does fate have no pity?

The incident with the lizard creature occurred a few days ago. It was a hot summer evening and the Franken family had a few neighbors over for a pool party and a luau, complete with a traditional pig roast. Just as everyone was skinny dipping and splashing about in the pool, a smashing noise came from over near the roasting pig. Dr. and Mrs. Franken along with their neighbors climbed out of the pool and approached the roasting pig witch was on the other side of a hedge. As they round the hedge they saw a three foot tall lizard like creature with suction cups on the ends of its fingers and a suction cup for a mouth, holding up the entire pig carcass with one end in each hand and eating it from side to side like an ear of corn. The creature looked directly at the crowd but did not stop eating. Instead, he grimaced like he was annoyed at the people watching him eat, stuffed the carcass under one arm like a football and exited through the hole in the privacy fence that he had originally broken through. Then, he ran off into the woods behind the cottage.

None of the skinny dippers would go after the great lizard since behind the privacy fence were several large poison ivy plants. As soon as it got dark enough so no one could see them, the neighbors went home leaving the Frankens to suffer alone. . The party was ruined and all the participants will need many years of psychoanalysis to remove the trauma from their psyche.

The Frankens already lost a daughter over the Franken-Moose tragedy. She no longer has anything to do with her parents except over the summer and holiday breaks. She also calls them every week to get money since, she is now a junior at Central Michigan University. Beyond that, she never speaks to them.

How much longer can the people of Northwestern Michigan put up with these cruel attacks? We are suffering so much and yet, the federal government does nothing to protect our pork products from this lizard monster. Perhaps it will take the killing of other animals before the federal government decides to get involved. If this creature were killing off some endangered species of mosquito then, the feds would be all over this story.

Well, I digress. We just need some relief. If you can’t count on your pork being protected by your government then, what good is your government? Please, someone just help us stop this monster.

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THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER

THE LEGEND OF THE FRANKENMOOSE
By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts

The legend has it that the Frankenmoose was created by a German surgeon and neurologist named Dr. Stein Franken. He was a Professor at The University of Michigan Medical School and lived near the town of Frankenmuth Michigan. Dr. Franken lived on a busy highway just out of town. There was a bend in the highway in front of Dr. Franken’s house and there were many fatal accidents.

Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leaped out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.

Dr. Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slammed into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival.

The resulting creature was something the world had never seen before. It had the legs and claws of a tiger, the trunk and head of a moose and, the ears of the driver. The creature also had a brain made up of human, tiger and moose brain cells the resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of the human truck driver. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.


You may ask why Dr. Franken did what he did. Many believe that Dr. Stein Franken was a mad man that was taking the opportunity to experiment with life by bending the very laws of nature. Still others believe that Dr. Franken was operating in the most humane way he could and any person with his skill, placed in the same position, would have acted in the same manner. However, the fact that Doctor Franken was wearing Lederhosen and had just returned from a full day dancing the polka at a beer tent, leads most to believe the good doctor had greatly impaired judgment at the time of the accident. The fact that he had to be driven home from the beer tent seems to further bolster the idea that Dr. Stein Franken had a drinking problem that day.

Doctor Franken had a barn in his back yard where he assembled and then kept the creature. No one was aware of the creatures’ existence. There was such a mess on the highway that the body parts used to create the creature were never missed. . Meanwhile, the creature healed itself in the barn with Dr. Franken giving the creature a meat/ plant plasma substance in an intravenous tube. The doctor tried to nourish all the original animal parts. Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. At first, the creature seemed uncomfortable using the bathroom. Dr. Franken left the creature a little pot to help the monster feel more human. After that, the creature seemed to calm down and he no longer worried about where he relieved himself.

At first the creature seemed quite at ease with Dr Franken, his wife, and their children Celine and Angeles. The children rode the creature around the back yard. They played tag football with the monster and, they even invited it to join them in their nightly bratwurst cookouts. There as one sign of a potential problem. The doctor began to notice that small amounts of his grass were missing. He figured that the children were too young to be getting into his grass. His wife said she was not doing it. Besides, it was her grass too.

One night, during the family bratwurst cookout, the creature accidentally swished his tail across the fiery grill and his tail caught fire. The creature ran back and fourth across the yard until he finally drug his rump several feet across the grass dogie style. This put out the fire on the monsters tail but, it ignited a fierce insanity in the beast. The creature chomped down a bratwurst from the little girls’ hand, guzzled the entire keg of beer the doctor had for himself for the evening, then the creature bounded out into the vast acreage of corn fields that surrounded the doctors’ home.

The creature had escaped from the doctor and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chased down fans that smelled like grass. The Frankenmoose chased after some of the fans if he smelled grass on their clothing. The monster would also rip up any AstroTurf he came across. Apparently the Frankenmoose felt that AstroTurf was an abomination not just because it tasted bad but, because it spoiled the game of football. Man was not made to play such a great sport on plastic grass. That is what I believe the Frankenmoose must have been thinking.

After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful sleeping pill into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game.

The monster was then taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Sutton's Bay Michigan. There they entertain friends and try to forget the tragedy that caused their family such great horror and sorrow. Their children also share the burden of their fathers’ mistake. Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that the Frankenmoose will forever make bratwurst an indigestible food for the Stein Franken family.