TAGGING THE NORTH AMERICAN BIG FOOT

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor,
Humor News Nuts Publications
Although there is not much that you can legally hunt this time of year, it is good to be preparing yourself for hunting season. This year I intend on bagging me one of those big foot monsters that scare away the entire tourist from Northern Michigan. The problem with the typical big foot monster is that they are dark colored and very hard to see at night. Nighttime is the best time to hunt big foots because that is when most of the conservation officers are sleeping.

I have come up with a unique way of solving the coloring issue of the big foot monster. I intend on creeping up to the big foot monsters while they are feeding and paint a large fluorescent ‘X” on the sides of the creatures. In order to minimize the danger to myself, I have with me my younger brother Mike who is going to assist me by actually painting these large, powerful and, hungry beasts. While my brother paints the beast with an “X” I will be hiding in the bushes ready to dial 911 in case something bad happens to my brother. I am just glad that I had the foresight to realize that this was a job that would take two people.

The paint I was using was some I picked up at the county garage. They had a lot of it sitting around so I figured they wouldn’t mind if I borrowed a five gallon bucket. That just made one less can that they would have to deal with.

The bait I was using to lure the big foots in was a garbage sack full of Walleyes. My uncle Mike had gone fishing down south of a chemical plant in Midland. He scooped up a whole bunch of fish with his net. The fish couldn’t swim too well because of all the large tumors they had growing all over them. My uncle soon found out that he couldn’t clean the fish because the stuff oozing from the tumors was eating through the steel of his fish fillet knife.

After my brother poured out the fish on the ground we both hid in the bushes. It was only about ten minutes later when a large brown big foot showed up. It ate on the fish for a couple of minutes before my brother finally got up the guts to go out there to paint an “X” on the creature. My younger brother had a dripping paint bush in his hand as he slowly edged up to the big foot monster. “Hurry up,” I yelled at him, “We don’t have all day,”

Well my hollering must have got the bears attention since he immediately charged my brother and swiped him across his belly with his enormous claw. My brother fell to the ground like a sack of flour. He just laid there shaking and bleeding. AS for the bear, he just turned around and went back to eating the fish. I starting laughing and had an awful time stopping long enough to call 9-11. Just thinking abut my brother lying twitching like he was still brings a smile to my face. The only bad thing is that the big foot ate up all my bait and I didn’t even get him tagged with florescent paint.

My brother only ended up having the front of his shirt tore to shreds and a few scratches. After a hundred or so stitches my brother was ready to go home. It looks like this year I am just not going to have any advantage at all hunting big foots here in Northern Michigan.

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A NORTHERN MICHIGAN FESTIVAL WITH FUNGUS AND A PETTING ZOO

THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN FUNGUS FESTIVAL
By Tim Collin
Editor In Chief,
Humor News Nuts Publications

This year marks the 300th anniversary of the annual Fungus Festival in the little northern village of Foot Michigan. The festival is very important to this little town since it is the only source of revenue to sustain 14 residents, two ducks and a black bear named Sandy. The festival is extremely important for Sandy since she is in charge of the towns sanitation department. Sandy really cleans up after the festival and gains an average of 200 lbs. Without having to forage for food anymore for the year Sandy can slip right into hibernation even though the Fungus Festival ends May 1st. What an enviable position; only having to work one week each year and then being able to lie around in your cave the other fifty one weeks.

Now the two ducks are the featured attraction at the towns petting zoo. They are the only live animals there and are joined by a stuffed fox, a Marten and a skunk. The little kids especially like to pet the skunk even though the display is getting kind of old and the glass eyes keep falling out. The town mayor has told me that Mr. Ziegler, who owns the farm at the end of 1st street, has agreed to donate his old dog Patches to the petting zoo when the animal passes on. The mayor seemed quite enthused about replacing the skunk with Patches since Patches was born with only three legs and no tail. Hence, the mayor said they could advertise a "Petting Zoo And Freak Show" on the billboard sign near the highway. The mayor hopes this will bring in some tourist business during the off-season when the Fungus Festival is over.

As for the Fungus Festival itself, it has been a bad year for fungus growth in the woods of Northern Michigan. In fact, there is still a foot of snow on the ground all around this quaint little village. To compensate for the lack of fungus growing in the forest, the town fathers cleaned out the township treasury and hitchhiked to and from the nearest supermarket which was located some 50 miles away. At the supermarket the town fathers bought up all the packages of fresh mushrooms that were available. Unfortunately, all the whole mushrooms were sold out and the only ones available were sliced. The mushrooms were white in color so they are very hard to see once sprinkled around in the snow.

Still, the tourists that have shown up so far were not too terribly troubled about the mushroom situation. Instead, they just showed up looking for a fun time and asking for directions on how to get to the Sou Locks. Hopefully, another vehicle will show up full of tourists who are equally as enthused about the Northern Michigan Foot Fungus Festival.

 

FLYING FACE SLAPPING CARP INVADES MICHIGAN

Lake Michigan and other inland lakes are prone to sudden and horrific storms which can sink or capsize a canoe or a giant tanker. Once in the water many boaters succumb to sharks, rattle snakes or, the infamous piranha toothed yellow bellied perch. According to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) an even more insidious creature has now invaded Michigan waterways. This creature is known as the Giant Flying Face Slapping Chinese Zombie Carp or GFFSCZC for short. Since you can only pronounce GFFSCZC as an acronym if you are from Eastern Europe, we will simply call these creatures by their scientific name, Brainious Deadious Slapious Crapious (carp is an anagram for crap) or by their even shorter scientific nickname, Slapcrapper.

The slapcrapper came into Michigan via the Mississippi network of rivers. It is thought to be a hybrid mix of piranha, tiger shark, and common Chinese gold fish and, the flying brain eating zombie squirrel of North and Central America. It is obvious that only the government working in conjunction with some kind of evil aliens from outer space or some alternative universe could have created such an onerous slap happy ,brain eating creature.

According to DNR biologist Dr. Justin Sane, the slapcrapper is the cause of several injuries in and around Michigan waterways. Dr. Justin Sane described the attacks of the slapcrapper as “unpredictable and horrific”. Dr. Sane said that, “the slapcrapper waits for an unsuspecting fishing boat to go by and then, the slapcrapper will leap from the water and slap with his tail an unsuspecting fisherman on the side of the head. The slap will usually result in a quantity of brains being knocked out of the ear of the fisherman upon which the slapcrapper and his friends will feed. Although most fishermen can loose up to 90% of their brains before they notice any mental impairment overtime, if slapped enough, the fisherman could be reduced in mental ability to the point that they have to give up the sport of fishing and take up a more mundane sport like water skiing.”

PAY TOILETS IN THE WOODS

By Tim Colin
As you wander along the forest trails of Northern Michigan, I’m sure you have probably been noticing the orange and purple pay chemical restrooms. These pay toilets are being placed everywhere in Michigan’s woodlands. The bright colors make them easy to spot from literally miles away. Virtually every scenic vista you look out upon will have an orange and purple public pay toilet so easily seen that your eyes will be drawn right to it. Because these pay toilets are so numerous, you don’t have to look far to find one. The price is much higher to get into one further out in the forest so, make sure you take along plenty of dollar bills and include some five dollar bills if you intend to go into the deep backwoods. Our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

So, no longer will people be forced to hold back their natural urges in the forest and, for those less modest, they will no longer have to find a large bush or tree. Hikers in the woods will no longer have to be on the look out for hiker scat. A miss-step along any trail can result in scat tainted athletic shoes that may easily end with the ruin of a pair of expensive athletic sneakers.

Now having these public toilets so readily available to visitors is not only a matter of public privacy and decency but, it is also a matter of public safety. People who relieve themselves in the forest don’t realize it but, what they are doing is putting in a challenge to large predatory animals like cougars, bison, and tree toads. Many people disappear into the bellies of tree toads each year and many of the people I talk to believe it is because of joggers challenging the natural territorial boundaries of the adult, bull toad. People who use our facilities don’t need to worry about animals getting all crazed up because they smell a challenger for their territory. The chemicals in the toilets completely overpower all other smells for miles around. Many people can’t smell anything for days after a trip into one of these chemical safe houses. As an added bonus, people who have dry eyes can expect a surge in natural tear production after just one visit to our new toilet facilities.

Another safety issue is the one regarding poisonous plants which many people inadvertently use when they clean themselves in the woods. In addition to the poisonous plants, you also have to worry about rattlesnakes and venomous spiders whenever you let your guard down for even a moment in Michigan. I will not even talk about bumble bees and the damage they can do.

The cleanliness of our facilities will one day be ranked on a scale of one to five. We don’t have running water in our toilets however; we do have reusable sanitary hand wipes. To keep costs down and to protect the environment, we only issue one hand wipe per toilet per season. We also provide several sheets of toilet paper per facility per season.

Overall, we hope that you will find the use of our outdoor chemical toilets fun and worth using over and over again. I have to disclose that I do have an investment in these facilities therefore, I could get some money from their use however, I am really just glad that I can help to place these environmentally friendly yet, easily seen toilets all over Michigan. Just to remind you once again, please take plenty of one dollar and five dollar bills along with you because our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

This has been an advertisement for the Load-off Chemical Toilet Company and in no way reflects the views of the owners of this blog. It does reflect poorly on the staff writer/editor who wrote it.

THERE WERE THREE WOLVES

By Tim Colin
Three stray wolves have been menacing the people of Northern Michigan lately. In particular, they have been hunting down and eating severely overweight snowboarders. Local Department of Natural Resources officials believe that the reason the wolves eat severely overweight snowboarders is that thin snow boarders race downhill too fast for the wolves to grab them but, severely overweight individuals jump on their snowboards and just sink into the snow. Thus, they become the perfect treat for wolves that have been starving in Cedar Swamps most of the winter.

Investigations by area officials have determined that overweight snowboarders who are full of hot cocoa are the main victims. One official speaking with anonymity said that the wolves seem to crave the taste of hot cocoa. “Overweight individuals full of hot cocoa are just like giant thermoses to the wolves. The layers of fat evidently keep the cocoa warm and steamy. There is nothing better than hot steamy cocoa on a cold snowy day.”

A zoologist from Sea World has disagreed with the cocoa concept. She believes that the wolves are actually attracted to the taste of marshmallows. Since severely overweight people put lots of marshmallows in their cocoa then, it does stand to reason that the wolves would pick them out for eating due to their sweet marshmallow goodness.

To be on the safe side the Department of Natural Resources has banned all overweight snowboarders who drink hot cocoa loaded with marshmallows from going out on the ski slopes of Northern Michigan. This ban will remain in effect until the wolves are captured and transported to an island in Lake Michigan where marshmallows grow naturally.


























THE YETI IN THE OUTHOUSE