ICE FISHING CARNIVAL

By Tim Colin
Ice Fishing Carnival is an event held each year in Michigan. The event takes place out on the ice covering Lake Birdie. This event has been going on for decades and has always been exciting for participants and spectators alike. Many people participate in the sanctioned fishing and snowmobiling events. These events are very safe and great for family entertainment but, I don’t go to watch these events.

Instead, I like to watch the unsanctioned, showoff your snowmobile driving skills event. These people crank up their snow machines for exciting slides across sometimes treacherous ice. Watching people fly across the ice at 100 mph on their snowmobiles is really exciting. I especially like it when someone is going too fast and they are heading directly for someone’s cabin up on the shoreline. Watching the machines flip over and over as the drivers try to swerve out of a certainly fatal skull on cabin siding collision, can really give you a thrill. It is so much better than auto racing. Snow machine riders have almost no protection against frost bite let alone crashing into objects like cabins and ice shanties. Of course if there is an explosion, their clothing is usually highly flammable. Luckily they can roll around in the snow.

Another unsanctioned event that will give an onlooker a cheep but, no less exciting thrill, is the annual “Who is the stupidest person in Michigan?” event. In order to participate in this event you need to own a late model pickup truck with a blue book value of $50,000 or more. Each year there are at least a dozen people who participate in this event. The goal is to see how many of these trucks can park next to each other before the ice gives out underneath them and the vehicles become aquatic habitats for fish and other lake plants and creatures. Boy when that ice gives way those trucks really go down fast. You don’t dare make a trip to the port-a-potty or you might miss the whole show.

I get even greater thrills when the conservation and sheriffs officers start showing up and issuing citations to the truck owners. In addition to loosing their expensive trucks, these dim wits also get a nice hefty fine for polluting the lake. But, wait, there’s more. They also have to pay to have their sunken big trucks hauled out of the lake. For someone who likes to watch really dumb people loose lots of money doing something really stupid well, life does not get any better than a day out on the ice during Ice Carnival.

Of course you don’t have to go to a sanctioned event like on Lake Birdie to watch people do really crazy things out on the ice in Michigan. They do the same thing on every lake and river in the state as soon a there is a thin layer of ice on the water. The only thing is that during Ice Carnival you can get a hot dog and use a port-a-potty while you are waiting for someone to do something really stupid.

FLYING FACE SLAPPING CARP INVADES MICHIGAN

Lake Michigan and other inland lakes are prone to sudden and horrific storms which can sink or capsize a canoe or a giant tanker. Once in the water many boaters succumb to sharks, rattle snakes or, the infamous piranha toothed yellow bellied perch. According to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) an even more insidious creature has now invaded Michigan waterways. This creature is known as the Giant Flying Face Slapping Chinese Zombie Carp or GFFSCZC for short. Since you can only pronounce GFFSCZC as an acronym if you are from Eastern Europe, we will simply call these creatures by their scientific name, Brainious Deadious Slapious Crapious (carp is an anagram for crap) or by their even shorter scientific nickname, Slapcrapper.

The slapcrapper came into Michigan via the Mississippi network of rivers. It is thought to be a hybrid mix of piranha, tiger shark, and common Chinese gold fish and, the flying brain eating zombie squirrel of North and Central America. It is obvious that only the government working in conjunction with some kind of evil aliens from outer space or some alternative universe could have created such an onerous slap happy ,brain eating creature.

According to DNR biologist Dr. Justin Sane, the slapcrapper is the cause of several injuries in and around Michigan waterways. Dr. Justin Sane described the attacks of the slapcrapper as “unpredictable and horrific”. Dr. Sane said that, “the slapcrapper waits for an unsuspecting fishing boat to go by and then, the slapcrapper will leap from the water and slap with his tail an unsuspecting fisherman on the side of the head. The slap will usually result in a quantity of brains being knocked out of the ear of the fisherman upon which the slapcrapper and his friends will feed. Although most fishermen can loose up to 90% of their brains before they notice any mental impairment overtime, if slapped enough, the fisherman could be reduced in mental ability to the point that they have to give up the sport of fishing and take up a more mundane sport like water skiing.”

PAY TOILETS IN THE WOODS

By Tim Colin
As you wander along the forest trails of Northern Michigan, I’m sure you have probably been noticing the orange and purple pay chemical restrooms. These pay toilets are being placed everywhere in Michigan’s woodlands. The bright colors make them easy to spot from literally miles away. Virtually every scenic vista you look out upon will have an orange and purple public pay toilet so easily seen that your eyes will be drawn right to it. Because these pay toilets are so numerous, you don’t have to look far to find one. The price is much higher to get into one further out in the forest so, make sure you take along plenty of dollar bills and include some five dollar bills if you intend to go into the deep backwoods. Our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

So, no longer will people be forced to hold back their natural urges in the forest and, for those less modest, they will no longer have to find a large bush or tree. Hikers in the woods will no longer have to be on the look out for hiker scat. A miss-step along any trail can result in scat tainted athletic shoes that may easily end with the ruin of a pair of expensive athletic sneakers.

Now having these public toilets so readily available to visitors is not only a matter of public privacy and decency but, it is also a matter of public safety. People who relieve themselves in the forest don’t realize it but, what they are doing is putting in a challenge to large predatory animals like cougars, bison, and tree toads. Many people disappear into the bellies of tree toads each year and many of the people I talk to believe it is because of joggers challenging the natural territorial boundaries of the adult, bull toad. People who use our facilities don’t need to worry about animals getting all crazed up because they smell a challenger for their territory. The chemicals in the toilets completely overpower all other smells for miles around. Many people can’t smell anything for days after a trip into one of these chemical safe houses. As an added bonus, people who have dry eyes can expect a surge in natural tear production after just one visit to our new toilet facilities.

Another safety issue is the one regarding poisonous plants which many people inadvertently use when they clean themselves in the woods. In addition to the poisonous plants, you also have to worry about rattlesnakes and venomous spiders whenever you let your guard down for even a moment in Michigan. I will not even talk about bumble bees and the damage they can do.

The cleanliness of our facilities will one day be ranked on a scale of one to five. We don’t have running water in our toilets however; we do have reusable sanitary hand wipes. To keep costs down and to protect the environment, we only issue one hand wipe per toilet per season. We also provide several sheets of toilet paper per facility per season.

Overall, we hope that you will find the use of our outdoor chemical toilets fun and worth using over and over again. I have to disclose that I do have an investment in these facilities therefore, I could get some money from their use however, I am really just glad that I can help to place these environmentally friendly yet, easily seen toilets all over Michigan. Just to remind you once again, please take plenty of one dollar and five dollar bills along with you because our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

This has been an advertisement for the Load-off Chemical Toilet Company and in no way reflects the views of the owners of this blog. It does reflect poorly on the staff writer/editor who wrote it.

ICE FISHING CARNIVAL

By Tim Colin
Ice Fishing Carnival is an event held each year in Michigan. The event takes place out on the ice covering Lake Birdie. This event has been going on for decades and has always been exciting for participants and spectators alike. Many people participate in the sanctioned fishing and snowmobiling events. These events are very safe and great for family entertainment but, I don’t go to watch these events.

Instead, I like to watch the unsanctioned, showoff your snowmobile driving skills event. These people crank up their snow machines for exciting slides across sometimes treacherous ice. Watching people fly across the ice at 100 mph on their snowmobiles is really exciting. I especially like it when someone is going too fast and they are heading directly for someone’s cabin up on the shoreline. Watching the machines flip over and over as the drivers try to swerve out of a certainly fatal skull on cabin siding collision, can really give you a thrill. It is so much better than auto racing. Snow machine riders have almost no protection against frost bite let alone crashing into objects like cabins and ice shanties. Of course if there is an explosion, their clothing is usually highly flammable. Luckily they can roll around in the snow.

Another unsanctioned event that will give an onlooker a cheep but, no less exciting thrill, is the annual “Who is the stupidest person in Michigan?” event. In order to participate in this event you need to own a late model pickup truck with a blue book value of $50,000 or more. Each year there are at least a dozen people who participate in this event. The goal is to see how many of these trucks can park next to each other before the ice gives out underneath them and the vehicles become aquatic habitats for fish and other lake plants and creatures. Boy when that ice gives way those trucks really go down fast. You don’t dare make a trip to the port-a-potty or you might miss the whole show.

I get even greater thrills when the conservation and sheriffs officers start showing up and issuing citations to the truck owners. In addition to loosing their expensive trucks, these dim wits also get a nice hefty fine for polluting the lake. But, wait, there’s more. They also have to pay to have their sunken big trucks hauled out of the lake. For someone who likes to watch really dumb people loose lots of money doing something really stupid well, life does not get any better than a day out on the ice during Ice Carnival.

Of course you don’t have to go to a sanctioned event like on Lake Birdie to watch people do really crazy things out on the ice in Michigan. They do the same thing on every lake and river in the state as soon a there is a thin layer of ice on the water. The only thing is that during Ice Carnival you can get a hot dog and use a port-a-potty while you are waiting for someone to do something really stupid.