FLYING FACE SLAPPING CARP INVADES MICHIGAN

Lake Michigan and other inland lakes are prone to sudden and horrific storms which can sink or capsize a canoe or a giant tanker. Once in the water many boaters succumb to sharks, rattle snakes or, the infamous piranha toothed yellow bellied perch. According to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) an even more insidious creature has now invaded Michigan waterways. This creature is known as the Giant Flying Face Slapping Chinese Zombie Carp or GFFSCZC for short. Since you can only pronounce GFFSCZC as an acronym if you are from Eastern Europe, we will simply call these creatures by their scientific name, Brainious Deadious Slapious Crapious (carp is an anagram for crap) or by their even shorter scientific nickname, Slapcrapper.

The slapcrapper came into Michigan via the Mississippi network of rivers. It is thought to be a hybrid mix of piranha, tiger shark, and common Chinese gold fish and, the flying brain eating zombie squirrel of North and Central America. It is obvious that only the government working in conjunction with some kind of evil aliens from outer space or some alternative universe could have created such an onerous slap happy ,brain eating creature.

According to DNR biologist Dr. Justin Sane, the slapcrapper is the cause of several injuries in and around Michigan waterways. Dr. Justin Sane described the attacks of the slapcrapper as “unpredictable and horrific”. Dr. Sane said that, “the slapcrapper waits for an unsuspecting fishing boat to go by and then, the slapcrapper will leap from the water and slap with his tail an unsuspecting fisherman on the side of the head. The slap will usually result in a quantity of brains being knocked out of the ear of the fisherman upon which the slapcrapper and his friends will feed. Although most fishermen can loose up to 90% of their brains before they notice any mental impairment overtime, if slapped enough, the fisherman could be reduced in mental ability to the point that they have to give up the sport of fishing and take up a more mundane sport like water skiing.”

FISHING FOR THE MICHIGAN PIRANHA

By Mike Collin
Back when I was a kid, my dad would take me to his secret fishing hole and there he would teach me how to fish for piranha. He said he was the only one who knew about the spot. It seems that when he was a kid he stole his uncle’s pet piranhas and released them in a small lake way out in the woods. Over time, the piranhas took over the lake and were the only fish left. He told me these piranhas were an especially aggressive variety that were used to living in really cold water. My dad said that the piranha would eat ducks, geese, rabbits, deer or, any animal that happened to wander into the water.

I’ve been feeling like eating fish lately so, yesterday I rode my bike to my dad’s favorite piranha fishing spot in Western Lower Michigan. I had to ride my bike because my eyesight is still a bit blurry. I still have a bit of nerve damage from the accident. It seems that my brother Tim had a muscle spasm the last time we were playing lawn jarts. Well, the jart ended up being stuck in the middle of my forehead. I wanted to leave it stuck in because it made me look tough and it really impressed the ladies. You should have seen the looks I got at the bar. No one had a body piecing like the big orange spear I had in the middle of my head. After a couple of days I was getting really dizzy so I went to the doctor and she removed it. She told me the only reason I survived was that my skull was thinker than what most people have. I guess that‘s something to brag about.

Well, anyway, after going down an old two track lumber trail I got to lake I found out my can of worms was full of dead, smelly night crawlers. Luckily, there was a pile of rotten leaves nearby and it was not long before I had a couple dozen leaf worms. Before I picked up the leaf worms I had tossed the rotten night crawlers out into the lake to help chum for fish.

Unfortunately, no fish showed up and then I remembered how my dad taught me to fish for piranha. So, I took off my shoes and socks and waded out into the water until I was standing knee deep. It was a quiet morning so there were no waves. This made it easy for me t look around to observe any fish. I then began wiggling my toes in the water. I still did not see any fish coming. I then stated raising fist one foot up and then the other, each time wiggling my toes like little hairy caterpillars. Suddenly several dozen piranha came rushing in at my feet and began biting at my toes. I quickly ran back to the shore. Even though I was up on the shore I had three large piranhas holding onto my feet with their teeth. I was very pleased. I hadn’t been there five minutes and I already had a good start on a fish fry. I caught seven more fish on my fishing pole before my worms ran out. It was fine since I had enough fish to clean that day for a fish fry dinner for myself and my new girlfriend.

I did not end up bleeding too much after piranha fishing that day. I remember getting bit really bad by piranhas when I was a kid but, this time I only had a few chunks of meat bit out of my feet and shins. I also won’t have to cut my toe nails for a while. The piranhas, by the way, were delicious.