MARCH IS MAPLE SYRUP MONTH IN MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Last week I decided to go into the maple syrup business. Tourists are willing to pay a fortune for just a small bottle of Michigan Maple syrup. I figured that if I could sell a thousand bottles of maple syrup at $10.00 per bottle then I could clear $10,000.

Now a person who lives in Northern Michigan that has $10,000 would be looked up to like Donald Trump. Then, I could get a girlfriend who wasn’t so shallow that she cares only about my personality. Instead, I could get a deep thinking girlfriend who is impressed with my bank account.

Of course in order to clear $10,000 I realized that I would have to keep my expenses low. I also realized that I would need some help to do all the work. I was able to recruit an employee of this blog named Gerrard. He’s a big guy and not too bright. I decided to pay him by letting him have any leftover syrup. I told him he could lick the pots clean. This would in turn save on having to use soap and water.

Next I realized that I needed a kitchen to cook up the syrup. I was able to buy a small trailer at a police auction for only $10.00. It was a great trailer with a really nice kitchen in it. Apparently, the crooks that owned the trailer must have liked to cook stuff. The only problem with the trailer was that it made Gerrard and me really dizzy every time we were in it. Of course opening the windows and letting fresh air in helped a lot.

Getting free bottles to use was really easy. I just sent Gerrard down to the local landfill and he picked up about ten garbage sacks of catsup bottles. I even saved money on washing and sanitizing the bottles b using some old pesticides called DDT that my parents had in their shed. The only thing left to do was gather up the maple sap and cook it down into maple syrup. I had Gerrard do that work meanwhile; I produced a bunch of labels on the Humor News Nuts printer that the owner just bought so he could download income tax forms. I figured since I’m the editor of several of his blogs using his stuff for my own business was just like one of those Wall Street executive bonuses. It is kind of like “Don’t ask don’t tell”. As long as the boss don’t ask me if I’m using his stuff I am certainly not going to tell him.

Well, after I made up the labels to put on the syrup bottles I went over to the trailer to see how things were cooking. I knew that Gerrard had gone out and gotten a bunch of sap and he was supposed to be cooking it down into delicious Michigan Maple syrup. The trailer was parked out on 40 acres that used to belong to an uncle but he lost it in a game called Russian roulette. Of course the guy my uncle lost to actually lives in Russia so I suppose he wouldn’t care if I squatted my trailer on his property for a while. Besides, the neat thing about Michigan backwoods law is that if you squat on someone’s place for seven years you get to claim it for your own.

Unfortunately, when I arrived at the trailer I found the trailer and the forty acres to be blazing in fire. I asked Gerrard what had happened. Well, it seems that all the maples on the forty were in the back and Gerrard was too lazy to walk that far so instead of tapping the maple trees in the back he tapped the white pine trees that were up near the trailer. Of course the tar from the trees is highly flammable hence; Gerrard caused one of the biggest fires that Northern Michigan has ever seen.  That is is anyone was around to see it.  You see we were so back in the backwoods that nobody noticed and most likely nobody cared.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN INTERNATIONAL CRICKET CHAMPIONSHIP

By Ted Colin
Each year the Northern Michigan International Cricket Championship draws people from all over the world. We have people come from places as far away as Grawn, Fife Lake and, Mancelona. Many of the people who show up each year speak different languages and have very different customs. For instance, many people who attend these games can’t understand why we have pay toilets when the competition takes place in the woods. Personally, I really can’t understand the pay toilet deal myself. Especially, since the pay toilets only take $5.00 bills. I put in a $10.00 bill and I didn’t get any change back. I guess I won’t be buying any more pop from the concessions stands since it costs more for the pop going out than going in.

Well, although there are many differences between the teams and spectators at this year’s cricket event there is one overriding factor that brings everyone together: we all love watching those little critters duke it out in the ring. The main ring this year is an old hula hoop I found out behind one of the pay toilets. It looks like a car ran over it but, it is still holding together well enough to be used as the main ring. The other rings are just drawn in the sand.

Now before you can compete in a cricket match you have to find a cricket. The best way to find a cricket is to leave your front door wide open for a couple of days. Sooner or later out of all of the bugs, animals or looters that comes into your house there is bound to be at least one cricket. Of course getting a cricket into your house is just the first step in catching one.

In order to catch a cricket you have to stay up real late and get really, really tired. Then, when you turn off the lights and try to go to bed the cricket will start chirping so loud that you will rise up like a zombie from the dead but, instead of yearning to eat brains like a zombie the only thing you will yearn to do is get a hold of that cricket. Of course the cricket creature itself has the ability of a ventriloquist in that it can throw its voice to any place in the entire house. It is almost like the cricket just sits and watches you as you look all around under furniture and in closets, in the cloths hamper and behind the washer and dryer. Sometimes you just want to yank out the gas stove even though it has a gas line hooked to it. You are so tired and desperate for sleep you just don’t care anymore. After a while you can almost hear him laughing when he sees you about to find his hiding spot and then the cricket suddenly stops chirping. Then, you just stand there waiting for the creature to start chirping again hoping beyond all hope that you can find the little monster and get him to stop his hideous sounds so you can finally get some sleep. Of course he doesn’t start up again until you’ve turned off the lights and climbed back into bed.

Eventually, the cricket will make a mistake and you will catch him mulling around in the shower or just outside of the refrigerator. Now although the temptation to get revenge upon the cricket for keeping you up all night is strong, it is important that you keep a cool head about you and try to capture the little beast without harming it. After all, a squished bug is not going to win the cricket boxing tournament for you. And, if you accidentally rip off its forearms then he will be disqualified because the bug will no longer be able to wear the tiny boxing gloves that are mandatory in the sport of competitive cricket.

Once you have your cricket you have to put him through a vigorous training program which includes getting your bug to bulk up. Lots of sugar water is a good start to any weight gaining strategy whether it is for humans or bugs. Most people train their crickets to box by at first placing a tiny little mirror in front of the bug in order to get his competitive juices flowing. Then, placing live crickets with your potential champion in a confined area like a shoe box will be all you need to do to hone those talents that are the stuff that all champion bugs have pent up deep within their souls. Of course several hours of meditation should be a part of your potential champions training regiment. That way by the time of the big match-up your bug will be in complete harmony with the universe and he will have gained inner peace. At that moment your cricket will be able to rip the exoskeleton off his competition and eat those blue-green cricket guts all the way up to the eyeballs.

This years champion was named “Killer Bug”. Now Killer B. was not the actual last bug left with its insides in tacked. The last bug left was Spider Snyder but Spider S. was disqualified when the officials realized that he really was a spider and therefore was not really eligible to compete against crickets. The rules might have been bent a little if Spider Snyder happened to be a grasshopper or even a fly but, spiders are not even insects; they are arachnids. The officials just decided that an arachnid fighting an insect just was not a fair fight so Killer B. won this years championship posthumously since Spider Snyder had already devoured all of Killer B’s soft tissues. Hopefully next year the officials will be more on the ball and disqualify non-species entries before they are allowed to compete in the cricket matches.