MOSQUITOES ARE GOING TO EAT YOU ALIVE

By Mike Colin
My grandpa lives out in the backwoods and he has all sorts of bugs that bite all around him. In particular he has some really large and vicious mosquitoes that will attack you as soon as you step outside. My grandpa always says that if you go outside “the mosquitoes are going to eat you alive”. I guess he lost his best hunting dog to mosquitoes one day. He said he had just gotten back from visiting his still and he saw millions of mosquitoes carry off his blue tick hound. He said they were so thick they looked just like a black bear.

Once when I was a kid the whole family was going to have their annual picnic at grandpa’s place. Well, my grandpa knew he had to do something about the mosquitoes so he decided he’d set some smudge fires all around his house so the mosquitoes would keep away. Now things were going pretty good for old grandpa as he lit the last smudge fire. Then, suddenly the wind came up and the smudge turned into a yellow wall of flames that completely encircled his house. Luckily, my grandpa’s roof had been leaking all winter and spring so the boards in the house were entirely soaked with water and would not burn even though his kerosene heater had also been leaking for months all over the floor.

Well, a serious township wide fire broke out and this got the attention of the authorities. It seems that one mans smudge fire is called a forest fire by local officials. Grandpa went off to the county lock up for two and a half years. He got six months for setting a forest fire and two years for having an illegal still. Grandpa said he set the fire for self-defense. He said that he set the fires in order to save himself and his family from being carried off by the mosquitoes. Grandpa also claimed that his still was there to provide a medical treatment for his glaucoma. He said he would have used legalized marijuana but he didn’t want to get addicted to smoking. After all, his dad had died of lung disease and that always kept old grandpa on the straight and narrow.

MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER EATS PET PIG

By Ted Colin
No creature lurking in our deepest nightmares could cause people to sweat rivers of terror tears like, the Michigan Lizard Monster. Just this spring the creature was almost affectionately called lizard boy by local tourist. He then stood a modest one foot tall. Then, as the creature began to steal bacon and pork products his list of crimes committed grew with his height until now he might be better known as lizard man (or woman because no one can actually tell). This creature has now grown to be nearly two meters tall (that’s six and half feet).

The most recent crime the lizard monster committed was against our own native born famous star of TV and stage Miss. Marry Ann Morningstar. Miss. Morningstar’s most famous role was when she once made an “eking” sound for a spider puppet on the TV series “H. R. Puff & Stuff”. Miss Morningstar’s career has not been as robust since then but, she does teach karaoke 1, 2, 3 and 4 and, acting classes at the local community college.

Up until a few hours ago, Miss Morningstar lived in a trailer park with her pet pot bellied pig named Mimi. Miss Morningstar has been working on a comeback Youtube internet special featuring the famed actress and her trained pig. The name of the film was to be Mary loves Mimi. It would have been a true spectacular comeback for the aging actress featuring singing and dancing with her best friend Mimi. This would have been as big as one of those Disney movie musicals except it would have been set in a fairly run down trailer park instead of an upscale high school. Dogs run freely around this park so you would have to watch where you stepped when you dance. This internet musucak would have been as great as West Side Story. But, the pig is no more and all the dreams of public stardom for the former spider princess of television, are gone.

It happened quickly. A few hours ago the Lizard monster came out of no where. Just as Mimi was rehearsing her Michael Jackson moonwalk tribute, the lizard creature grabbed the pig from behind. The drooling lizard man then proceeded to devour the screaming pig in what seemed to be 35 seconds. The lizard monster ate the pig bones and all like, an ear of corn. Miss Morningstar watched with horror as her pot bellied friend was eaten by the evil lizard creature. Miss Morningstar then, looked on helplessly as the lizard man ran on its two back legs, down the muddy trailer park road, crossing the highway and disappearing into a thick growth of spruce trees.

Dogs were called in to track the creature but, the dogs seemed afraid of chasing the creature in the thick underbrush so the search had to be called off. The sheriff said that the attack might have been prevented if everyone in the trailer park had just taken some extra precautions. It seems that a nearby neighbor of Miss Morningstar had been pan frying pork sausage with her window open. The sheriff surmised it was the cooking pork smell that lured the monster into the trailer park. One very disturbing new issue which the authorities are very nervous about is that this is the first attack in which the lizard monster was witnessed eating a living piece of pork. In addition, in the past the creature has preferred cooked pork.

So, when will this terror end so the people of Northern Michigan can resume leading full, meaningful lives with lots of pork products cooked openly outside? Surely, Washington must be able to help us. Many people in Northern Michigan have roots going back to Central and Eastern Europe where pork was the main stay of many of their diets. Every part of the pig was used. Things that nobody likes to look at were ground lovingly into sausages. Of course, cooked pork on the grill always smells good, no matter what the pork is allegedly made of. But, without our open air pork cooking Northern Michigan just does not smell the same.

POLAR BEAR HUNTING IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
So far this year I have had no luck at all bagging a polar bear during the month long polar bear season we have here in the Lower Peninsula of Michigan. It’s not that I have not seen plenty of polar bears in Michigan but the polar bears that I have seen were at outdoor events where there were thousands of people from down state Michigan. My high powered rifle that might take down a polar bear if I hit him directly in the brain or the heart, would most likely take out forty or fifty man-sized tourists from downstate. In Michigan there is a fine of up to $100.00 for each tourist you accidentally shoot. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life trying to scrape up the money to pay off a $4,500 fine just because I wanted a polar bear rug for my office.

Now the reason you find polar bears around tourist from downstate is that many people downstate fish in Lake Erie for a creature called a sauger. Many fishermen downstate believe that saugers are a fish related to a walleye. In fact, saugers are not a fish at all but instead, they are just a species of freshwater seal. Of course seals are one of the main animals that polar bears eat. The problem for people who eat sauger is that the smell of the animal comes out in the pours of the person that eats it. Saugers are like onions. If you consume them their smell creeps out under your armpits and when you raise your arms everyone around you knows what you’ve been eating.

So, from the perspective of polar bears, when tourists from downstate lift up their arms it is just like ringing a dinner bell. Of course people who eat tuna and then go swimming in Lake Michigan have the same problem with sharks.

Now polar bears are not native to Michigan. Instead they come from Canada. The reason there are so many creatures like polar bears, big foots and lizard men in Northern Michigan is because Canadian children are so spoiled by their parents and grandparents. Every Canadian child wants a baby polar bear, big foot or lizard monster for a pet and so, their parents and grandparents give the kids an adorable and very little monster as a pet. Unfortunately, once these creatures start to grow it becomes harder and harder to afford to feed them. Soon, things start to go missing like the mail man and the paper boy. Inevitably, the parents finally decide that the creature has outgrown their home and so they take them for a ride down to the Lower Peninsula of Michigan.

The parents take these monsters down to the Lower Peninsula of Michigan because the parents figure that the creatures would never be able to find their way back home from there. The parents figure that none of these animals could afford to pay the toll at the Mackinaw Bridge let alone pay the toll going into Canada. The problem is that then these creatures become a menace for Northern Michigan tourists. The area I live in is beautiful so lots of people who eat sauger want to come and visit here. So please, people of Canada; if you have a big foot, polar bear or lizard monster as a pet won’t you please just have it spade or neutered. This has been a public service announcement.