NO COUNTY FOR OLD BEARS

By Tim Colin
Recently there have been a number of bear sightings in Northern Michigan. Of course everyone knows there are no bears in Northern Michigan because the big foots ate them all. All the best scientific minds that I personally know, all say the same thing. So why is the public so ignorant about the bear/big foot facts. I decided to look beyond the scientific community to someone with some historical knowledge as to how the bears disappeared and were replaced with big foots.

To gain an accurate history regarding how bears disappeared in Michigan I thought about finding a bear expert at some college. Of course I remembered how boring college teachers are from my one semester at CMU so, I decided to look up someone who had first hand knowledge about how the big foots replaced the bears in Northern Michigan. That person was an old retired sheriff from Kalkasky County. I found the old grizzled man living in a trailer with a bunch of old bats. When I walked through his front door he told me to close it fast because his bats were light sensitive and when spooked by sunlight they immediately pee.

“How many bats you got now Sheriff Nutsman? And, how are you doint?" I asked as I approached an old man who was sitting on a bean bag chair and starring at a lava lamp. He was smoking a medicinal substance so I concluded he must have glaucoma or cancer or maybe really bad hemorrhoids since he was sitting on a bean bag chair.

“Some of them bats is pets and some of them is just plain wild. I'm doing really well right at the moment,” the sheriff commented as he took a deep puff on his pain reliever. “Say, do I know you?” he asked.

“You don’t know me but, you know my family. You arrested my dad, his brothers and my granddad several times over the years.”

“So, your last name must be Colin?” Sheriff Nutsman said as he remembered my family.

“Yes,” I replied. “My name is Tim Colin.”

“Yeah, I knew your family. They was always getting arrested for hunting and fishing out of season. They also liked to use homemade dynamite as their favorite way to take wild game. They also liked to rustle cattle and had sticky fingers everywhere they worked. Yeah, I knew that bunch really well. I knew your daddy well too. I knew you mom especially well. I don’t know what she ever saw in your dad. He was such a looser. Say, you’re not here for some sort of paternity suit or something?”

‘No Sheriff,” I responded. “I’m only interested in how the big foots got rid of the bears and took over the forest in Northern Michigan. You’re not some eccentric millionaire living in a beat up old trailer full of bat materials?”

“No. What you see is what you’d get, son.” Answered Sheriff Nutsman.

I was a bit disappointed and said” I think I’d rather be homeless than inherit this place. I’m really only interested in the bears.”

“Good choice boy,” Sheriff Nutsman said. “Now I’ll tell you my story. It was way back in the 1970’s when I was just a journeyman deputy for sheriff Goober Peas. Now old Goober was getting ready to retire when he and I had to drive out into the cedar swamps to investigate what was a complete massacre of bears.

There were tore up bears and ripped-up bicycles everywhere I said to the sheriff, ‘What happened here?’

“It would appear that this was an illegal honey deal gone wrong,” said Sheriff Peas. “A couple of those bicycles are from Canada. You can tell because they have “God Save The Queen” on their License Plates. These other bikes say “Made in Japan” on them so some of these bears must be locals. You know we can’t seem to build anything in America anymore,” the sheriff said in a disgusted voice. He was really ticked that we don’t make much in the U.S. anymore.

I pointed out to the sheriff that there was a large tricycle with a big wheel that didn’t have a scratch on it. Evidently the owner had been chased off by someone.”

“I know who owns that bike,” the sheriff exclaimed. “It belongs to Boo Boo Bear. I don’t believe he’s mixed up with this stuff. I think he might have the Canadian honey that appears to be missing from this crime scene.”

Now I found something in a muck hole. “Come over here and look at this,” I said.

The sheriff came over and looked at the muck. “It looks like we have ourselves a big foot going after poor Boo Boo. There was this big foot named Goldie Locks that escaped from a zoo last week up in Canada. He could have just took off out of the zoo and been done with it but this big foot is a real psychopath. Before he left the zoo he stopped off at the squirrel cage and ate every single squirrel at the zoo. There must have been thirty squirrels that he ate just out of meanness. I know for a fact that Canadian zoos always make sure their big foots are well feed and cared for so he didn’t have to eat all the squirrels. He didn’t even have to eat a one of them. You just can’t make these things up.

Well, poor Boo Boo was found all ate up. In fact, bears started to disappear all over Michigan as more and more Canadian Big Foots crossed the border into our state. Now there is not a single bear left here anywhere in Michigan. All there are left are those big foot monsters. You just can’t make this stuff up.

You know last night I had this dream. It was about the old days and my dad was still alive. He and I were on roller skates like people used to be way back in the 1960’s. Dad passed me while smoking a home rolled cigarette. I knew that he was going on ahead to find a couple of chairs to sit down in so we could each enjoy one of his home rolled cigarettes.”




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