A STONE AGE TOY AND TOOL COMPANY

By Tim Colin
Editor
Last week I went to a manufacturing company that is really rocking in these tough economic times. The name of the company is the Rock Crackers Toy and Tool Company. The company is located in the little town of Rock Crackers. Rock Crackers is located right on top of a hill which is almost completely made up of flint rock.

I met with Mr. Rock Crackers who is the president of the company and learned a lot about rock cracking and how important rocks will be to our new green economy. Mr. Crackers told me that Flint is the stone that has been used by humans for millions of years to make tools, toys and various types of ornaments and even as a building material. The first spaceships sent into low Earth orbit were actually carved out of various forms of stones including flint. A large flint rock was actually used to ignite the gun powder that propelled the first spaceships upward into outer space. Of course today our space program uses a chemical rocket propulsion system consisting of a mixture of baking soda and apple cider vinegar.

Mr. Crackers went on to say that “…demand for our tools has never been greater since Americans can no longer afford fancy tools and toys made overseas. Iron, aluminum, copper, zinc and every other rare earth element are being sent overseas where the economies are booming. Shoot, even our sewage is being sent overseas to make fertilizer. In America we have almost nothing left to use but, we have lots of rocks. Flint has always been one of the best rocks to make stuff out of so that’s why I built my factory here.”

After his brief combination tirade and advertisement, Mr. Crackers took on a tour of his plant. Although the Rock Crackers plant makes primitive tools it is nearly fully automated with all types of rock cracking machines made out of rocks. It seems in order to crack a rock you just need to hit it with a sharper and/ or heavier rock. This is known as the Negative Law of Thermo Dynamics, “Stuff gets smaller if you hit it long enough”. I guess that’s why my younger brother is such a little wimp. Of course he always told mom and dad that his older brother’s were picking on him by cuffing and slapping him but, they just told us to “stop it“. Who listens to their parents when they say the words “stop it”?

The kind of stuff being manufactured in the factory were tools likes hoes, rakes, shovels, wheelbarrows hammers, screw drivers and snow blowers. These were all the types of tools our ancestors must have manufactured for millions of years or until they invented wood. After they used wood tools for a few thousand years then humans started to use metal.

Most of the scientists that I talk to believe that making metal was not discovered by humans but was taught to humans by space aliens. Of course the last time space aliens were here they taught humans how to make plastic bags. Space aliens needed plastic bags to freeze fresh humans for long space flights. That way the humans would still be good to munch on back on the alien home world. Evidently, according to my sources of information, space aliens tried canning humans to take home but, it was tough to find enough mason jars and even if the aliens had enough jars it was really hard to find enough lids that fit. The aliens used mostly old mayonnaise jars and the lids are really wide and hard to come by. Plastic bags were just a lot more convenient and the main ingredient was oil and that is really plentiful here on earth. So, that is why space aliens taught humans how to make plastic.

Now the types of toys manufactured at Rock Crackers are baby rattles, baseballs, tetherballs, footballs, softballs and any other type of ball you can kick, hit or, bat. Rock Crackers is currently working to develop a line of water toys but so far none of their ideas have floated with tests groups. The water board Rock Crackers developed turned out to be a better anchor than a device to skim behind a watercraft. A line of water safety items has also not done well in tests. The life preserver tests are ongoing since it has been over a year and none of the test subjects have surfaced with any data.

The entire Rock Cracker plant is powered by elephant dung. Mr. Crackers told me that the elephants were actually ones he rounded up out in Montana. It seems that when the Spanish came to America they brought over horses that got away from them and went wild and, the Spanish also brought over elephants and many of them also escaped and therefore, not only are there wild horses but, there are herds of wild elephants roaming freely all over the Western United States.

Of course feeding the elephants would normally be a problem but, The Rock Cracker engineers thought of pretty much everything. You see there is a large forest full of oak trees nearby and oak trees produce acorns. The Rock Cracker people have trained an enormous army of squirrels to bring acorns one at a time to each of the several hundred elephants that make up the Dung Energy Complex PLC which is located next to the Rock Cracker manufacturing facility. Acorns really give the elephants some monstrous releases of gas. I suppose it is a bad idea to eat raw acorns before going out on a date or going on a long trip in a car with people you like. However, eating raw acorns and going on a long trip with family members might be kind of funny.

Overall, I learned a lot about human history and the latest techniques used by American manufactures who are anxious to be competitive in this new world economy. Cracking rocks, gathering nuts and, making dung flavored gasses are things we Americans do better than anyone else in the world.