HUNTING DEER IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

A GUIDE TO HUNTING DEER IN MICHIGAN WITHOUT BEING KILLED
By Mike Colin
Many people in Michigan look forward to hunting deer for fun and profit. The fun part is being able to look a fellow creature in the eyes and put a bullet or arrow through its lungs. Girls often do that to me. They look me in the eyes like they really care about me and then they shoot me through the heart when they say they just want to be friends.

The profit from deer does not come from the meat (called venison). The steaks on a deer are pretty good but the rest of the deer tastes pretty gamey and should be used for stews (add lots of onions for better flavor). Stews are what you feed your relatives and other people you don’t care about when they stop by at dinner time. I save my good meat to impress dates. I don’t actually cook it. Instead, I just open up the freezer to show off all the expensive steaks I keep. After I show off my expensive meat I always take dates out to eat. My cooking is not very good. I can’t make a slice of toast that I’d be proud of.

The real profit from deer comes from the hides. A lot of hunters will pay big bucks (LOL) to have their hide tanned. A lot of guys make a good living tanning deer hides but, sooner or later they come down with anthrax and then, they have to pass their business on to their kids.

Before you go out after the Michigan white tail deer, you need to decide how you want to kill the deer. In Michigan there are several approved of seasons for deer including bow (or crossbow for old geezers), rifle, shotgun, muzzleloader and, pistol. We also have some unapproved deer seasons like dynamite and, off road vehicle slam banging.

Once you have decided on the type of hunting you are going to do then you must purchase the appropriate uniform. For instance, during bow season most people dress in camouflage so that the relatives and spouses they hunt with can’t pick them off so easily. During firearms season, most people are smart enough not to go with their greedy and trigger happy relatives. Then, they can dress in bright orange suits so the other hunters can see them. Note: If you do go with your relatives during deer hunting season make sure you let them know that your life insurance policies have lapsed because of non-payment and that you don’t intend to make up the payments until deer season is over.

Once you have decided which season you are going to hunt in then, you must choose your weapon. I like a nice deer hunting rifle that costs less than ten bucks (LOL). I usually find a rifle at the U Steal We Fence Pawn Shop. These guns usually need some minor adjustments which can be held in place with duct tape. Instead of spending a lot of money for a scope, I just duct tape a pair of old binoculars to the top of my rifle. A regular scope reminds me too much of my high school science class. Not only did I get a black eye from the crappy telescope but I got a D+ in the class because I couldn’t tell an ameba from a protozoa. Like whoever needs to know that crap in the real world? I never talk about amebas or protozoa with any of my friends.


Once you are in the deer woods you need to find some proper protection. The best thing to hide behind is a big rock. Unless the other hunters are using grenade launchers you can feel pretty safe hiding behind a large rock. However, there are usually few large rocks in the deer woods so you will often have to protect yourself by hiding behind a large tree. The tree should be some hardwood variety like oak and be at least 20 inches thick. A lot of guys are using armor piercing bullets that can pierce a 12 inch spruce tree like a lawn jart can puncture your liver.

This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.

I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but, my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his 30, 06 rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.

Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.