By Tim Colin
Hunting snowmen in Michigan is a highly regulated sport. For one thing you can only hunt them after Christmas because desecrating a snowman is a felony during the holidays. I guess it upsets little kids a lot just like cleaning a fish upsets a lot of people. Well, to those non-fishermen and snowman hugging little monsters I say “Bah Humbug!” Snowman hunting season should be extended year around in Michigan.
After all, many Northern Michiganders depend on snowman meat to sustain them through those cold winter months when bugs and worms are hard to dig up.
Anyways, snowman hunting starts on January 1st and ends on March 16th. No one hunts on March 17th because we are all at the local pub crawl for St Patrick’s Day of course.
In the state of Michigan it is only legal to hunt snowmen with old fashioned lawn jarts. Of course disabled persons can hunt snowmen with a crossbow if they get the proper permit from the DNR (Department of Nationalized Resources). Of course we all have to pay $700 for a permit to hunt snowmen. At least we all have to pay that amount unless you have access to a Kodak copying machine. They make the best copies you know.
With my license plastered on my back and three blue lawn jarts in my hands I started out into the nearest subdivision looking for a nice big snowman to bag this season. It was not long before I came upon two of them. They were just sitting there all still and such. At first I thought that they saw me because they both froze and did not move an inch. But after several minutes of observing them just standing there stiff as a board I figured they were in some sort of snowman trance like they were trying to communicate with some higher plain of existence or something. I of course figured while they were busy contemplating their existence on a higher plain or something I would end their need to waste time existing on my plain by shoving a lawn jart through their heart. I of course proceeded to do just that and the snow creatures became my future barbeques.
Now some people say that snowmen are kind of a fatty meat to eat. I myself find that after frying them up in olive oil and barbeque sauce that snowmen are kind of watery. In fact unless I add some mushrooms the snowmen have to be drank like water and have no real flavor at all except for of course the barbeque sauce and the olive oil.
Most people wonder why in the world would you want to eat such a bland meat? Of course according to the Michigan Surgeon General’s office Snowmen are very heart healthy with zero fats, zero cholesterol, zero carbs, zero sodium and of course zero calories.
According to the Michigan Surgeon General “Eating snowman meat is like drinking water. The worst it can do to you is to cause you to urinate more often than normal.
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