BACKWOODS KNERDS (NERDS)

By Mike Colin
Everyone knows what a nerd is. In cities and towns nerds are those whiz kids that are great with math and science and often times go on to become engineers and teachers. I never worried about being called a nerd although once when I was in high school I did have to sit at the nerd table at lunch time. All the nerds seemed to want to talk about was how they had solved some math equation on a calculus quiz or about some chemistry lab stuff. I didn’t understand anything they were saying. After all, I took mostly physical education classes and the only class I took where I even had to count was marching band. It’s hard to make those formations if you don’t count the right number of steps you need to make. My brother Tim got kicked out of the band because he kept ending up in the stands instead of in formation on the football field.

Now because I couldn’t really contribute to the conversation at the nerd table, I tried to change the subject to sports by showing them the scar I had on my foot from playing lawn jarts. They just told me I was really gross although they did seem to admire the webbing I have between my toes. I also showed them the gills I have at the base of my neck and I heard one of the nerds actually say the word “awesome”. I still was not accepted as one of them but after that day the nerds all called me “Fish Boy”. “Hi Fish Boy,” they would say when they passed me in the halls. Even though I still didn’t understand what they were talking about when it came to their nerdy math and science classes, I kind of felt like an honorary member of their group.

Now out in the backwoods my family has their own version of nerds. They are kids born with special talents for handling backwoods engineering projects like making lean-to’s strong enough to survive the heavy snows or, building machines that will split a tree all the way up the trunk before you cut it down.

My backwoods family calls these really smart kids knerds with a silent “k”. I think that the old timers who came up with the spelling must have been thinking of words like “knight” or “knock” when they first wrote down the word “knerd” to describe my family’s wunderkind. Of course these kids have no formal education since they are deemed too valuable by the people living in the hills, hollers and, swamps to waste their time and talents learning in the public schools. After all, everything anyone needs to know to survive in the wilds they can learn best by staying home with their folks.

My cousin Deuce was perhaps the smartest of any knerds ever born in the backwoods. His engineering prowess was especially sought after by the backwoods people since he was an expert at building stills. He could take the parts of any kind of abandoned vehicle and use them to make stills that produced the most refined and potent whisky in just a few hours. Deuce even had several genuine legal distilleries trying to sign him up to build stills for commercial production.

My cousin Deuce even invented a combination wood chipper/still. It was a marvel for all to see. The first whiskey that Deuce produced in his new invention he decided to sample himself. Deuce took a big swig of his homemade brew and said with a big smile on his face “Wow! That’s the stuff,” then he then passed out.

Deuce just celebrated his third year after inventing his wood chipper/still machine. It’s just too bad that he is still in a comma after sampling his product. He still has a big smile on his face but the doctors say he has absolutely no higher level brain activity. Deuce has been diagnosed with BDD (Brain Dead Drunk). It’s really too bad that Deuce didn’t have a little more formal education in the field of chemistry. It seems wood chips do not make very good drinking whiskey but, they sure make a really clean burning fuel for gas burning combustion engines.