WILL I EVER SEE ME AGAIN?
By Tim Colin
Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.
The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.
Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.
“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”
The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.
Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.
“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”
“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the backroom and found out that the secret ingredient in the best burgers in the multi-verse is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”
“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.
“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”
“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.
“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.
“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”
“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.
Friday, March 20, 2020
Monday, February 24, 2020
PET BEARS ARE BEING LET LOOSE IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN
By Ted Colin
There is a worsening problem here in Northern Michigan. It seems that people are coming from all over the United States and Canada and releasing their pet bears back into the wild here in Michigan. We in Northern Michigan know this because bears have been extinct here for decades. It seems that twenty or so years ago several Big Foot monsters invaded Michigan from Canada and, everyone knows the favorite food of the Big Foot is bear meat. It did not take the Big Foots long to exterminate the bear population and then they started to devour our native yeti population.
At any rate, the citing of bears this fall has been phenomenal. It is not just black bears that people are citing in Northern Michigan but, several citing of Kodiak bears and even polar bears have been reported to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).
Now a lot of you people out there think that Michigan, with its swamps and stands of pine trees would be a perfect place to release your pet bear back to nature. But, you have to understand that by releasing your pet bear here in the northern woods you are really sentencing your pet to a really horrible death. You see we still have a massive number of big
foots in Northern Michigan.
In some counties there are more big monsters than there are people. So, if you release a pet bear in Northern Michigan it will be eaten by a big foot monster. That is just a given. In addition,the big foot monster usually eats the bear alive by starting it's feeding frenzy by
licking then nibbling on the toes. Finally,the big foot monster works it's tongue over the entire animal before it begins to devour first the ears and then the nose. It is of course a long grueling and erotic death for the poor bear.
There is a worsening problem here in Northern Michigan. It seems that people are coming from all over the United States and Canada and releasing their pet bears back into the wild here in Michigan. We in Northern Michigan know this because bears have been extinct here for decades. It seems that twenty or so years ago several Big Foot monsters invaded Michigan from Canada and, everyone knows the favorite food of the Big Foot is bear meat. It did not take the Big Foots long to exterminate the bear population and then they started to devour our native yeti population.
At any rate, the citing of bears this fall has been phenomenal. It is not just black bears that people are citing in Northern Michigan but, several citing of Kodiak bears and even polar bears have been reported to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).
Now a lot of you people out there think that Michigan, with its swamps and stands of pine trees would be a perfect place to release your pet bear back to nature. But, you have to understand that by releasing your pet bear here in the northern woods you are really sentencing your pet to a really horrible death. You see we still have a massive number of big
foots in Northern Michigan.
In some counties there are more big monsters than there are people. So, if you release a pet bear in Northern Michigan it will be eaten by a big foot monster. That is just a given. In addition,the big foot monster usually eats the bear alive by starting it's feeding frenzy by
licking then nibbling on the toes. Finally,the big foot monster works it's tongue over the entire animal before it begins to devour first the ears and then the nose. It is of course a long grueling and erotic death for the poor bear.
Saturday, February 22, 2020
THE GIANT NUCLEAR MUTANT FROG
FISHING FOR WINTER TADPOLES
By Mike Colin
Most people would not think of tadpoles as being a delicious delicacy. Actually, the little tikes you find swimming in ditches and murky ponds in the spring and summer do taste quite awful. I ate some on a dare once and ended up getting my stomach pumped. In fairness to the tadpoles I also ate on a dare that day some tree bark, some lily pads and some raw road kill. But, out of everything I ate that day the tadpoles tasted the worst. The main lesson I learned from that ordeal is not to let your older brothers dare you to do anything.
Now as I was saying about tadpoles, the little boogers most people think of are not good to eat however, there is a type of tadpole that lives in Northern Michigan and it is just right for the dinner table but, they are not available until after the snow is piled high. These tadpoles are gray in color and can get up to seven feet long and unlike their summer cousins, these tadpoles have rows and rows of sharp, nasty teeth that can rip through a fiberglass boat like a chainsaw. I can still see the one I lost a few years ago from the shoreline. It sank in about five feet of water.
Now these large, toothy but tasty tadpoles I have found only in one small lake in Michigan. It is not far from where I grew up as a kid. The lake is in the exact spot that a nuclear reactor once sat. I guess there was some sort of accident and the reactor disappeared into the ground and a small lake formed in its place. I believe the accident was never covered in the news because a lot of government officials wanted to keep the place a secret because it was such a great site for catching delicious monster tadpoles. My dad use to catch fish in the reactor holding pond back before I was born. I’ve been told that’s why I was born with webbing between my toes and a set of functioning gills. My gills scare off a lot of girls every time they try to give me a hickey.
Now the location of this lake remains a secret to most but, if you happen upon it you will see the name is “Keep Out” lake or maybe lake “Keep Out”. I’m not sure which since the word “Lake” was left out of the name on the signs. The name is on a sign about every 20 feet on the ten foot high chain link fence that surrounds the lake. There is also a ring of barbed wire on top of the chain link fence so it would be very difficult to enter except that about 10 years ago a large tree fell across the backside of the fence and now you can walk right in. I disabled the barb wire so it won’t cut my tires when I drive over it.
On my last tadpole fishing trip I brought along a guy I work with named Gerrard. He’s an old guy (about 27) and he lives in his mom’s basement and raises rats for a living. The rat business he inherited when his dad disappeared. There was a lot of buzz around town that Gerrard’s old man was eaten by rats. I never asked Gerrard about his old man but I always think about being attacked by rats when I go into any basement. Of course the main reason I brought Gerrard along is that it takes two people to catch those really big whopper tadpoles. It also takes a tow truck and I happened to borrow one from my uncle Frank. I let him drive my girlfriends Jaguar for a day while I got the use of his tow truck so I could go fishing for monster tadpoles.
Now these monster tadpoles weigh from 200-800 lbs. My dad says he’s seen them lurking around in the mucky waters that were 20ft long and might of weighed 2-3 tons. That’s why just a fishing reel and plastic line won’t work on these tadpoles. If their sharp teeth don’t cut right through the line then they will simply run out the spool of line on your reel. The really big tadpoles are just about impossible to stop when they start to run because of their great weight and because they usually have little nubbins started for legs and arms. The nubbins give them a grip on the lake bottom.
Well, I backed the tow truck up to Keep Out Lake and released some slack in the wench. I had a tow hook already on the end of the chain and that was all I needed to catch a giant tadpole. Giant tadpoles don’t have to be actually hooked to reel them in. Giant tadpoles just kind of suck in the bait and then clamp their toothy jaws so firmly down that it would take ten sticks of dynamite to open them up again. Giant tadpoles love their food and once it is in their belly they will not let anyone have it or in this case, have it back. The bait we were using was a skunk I hit last week with about four pounds of bacon grease soaked into the fur. Even though for humans skunk smell really stinks, to some animals it is like a dinner bell. For example, skunk fur is used to make trout flies in the spring. Now the smell of bacon or pork makes every single plant and animal in the universe start to salivate. We have giant lizards in Michigan that live exclusively on pork.
Finally, Gerrard and I were all set to catch us a whopper of a tadpole. My dad and I used to go fishing for them when I was just a kid. One giant tadpole would feed my folks my brothers and me for most of the winter so; my dad always took our annual tadpole expedition very seriously. Once we had the bait tied securely with wire onto the chain just above the hook on the wench, we waded out about ten feet into the pond and tossed the bait out about another eight feet which was as far as Gerrard and I together could throw it. Then, Gerrard and I splashed around and around in the water to help draw a giant tadpole into our bait. I remembered when I was a kid my dad would have me swim out about 30-50 feet from shore and then splash around to draw the in the really big tadpoles. Then they would swarm in like piranhas. Of course just being a kid I could run like crazy to get away from the monsters. Now that I’m in my early twenties I think I might be slowing down too much to swim that far out into the lake and lure in the monsters.
So we were all set to catch a monster tadpole that day but, we did not imagine the size of the monster that we lured into the bait. About half way across the lake a giant creature broke the water and when it came down it was just a few yards away from where Gerrard and I were splashing around. Gerrard and I quickly ran from the lake and got into the tow truck. “Do you know what giant tadpoles turn into when they are mature?” asked Gerrard.
I gulped and responded “I’ve never seen them but, they must turn into giant frogs”.
No sooner had I said that and the monster frog had a hold of the skunk bait and had swallowed the entire chain all the way back to the boom on the back of the tow truck. I hit the gas but went nowhere. Gerrard and I each jumped out of the truck and started running back toward the main highway. I turned around for just a second and saw the giant frog swallow the rest of the tow truck. Luckily the tow truck must have filled the giant frog up because he did not pursue us.
Gerrard and I got away but I did lose my uncles tow truck. My uncle was upset until I offered to let him have the Jaguar. He was content with the deal and within a week he found a girlfriend and she consented to marry him. So, I ended up gaining a new aunt out of the experience even though I lost my girlfriends Jaguar. I didn’t mind. My girlfriend was so rich that it meant nothing to her and I liked driving her Trans Am a lot better anyway.
By Mike Colin
Most people would not think of tadpoles as being a delicious delicacy. Actually, the little tikes you find swimming in ditches and murky ponds in the spring and summer do taste quite awful. I ate some on a dare once and ended up getting my stomach pumped. In fairness to the tadpoles I also ate on a dare that day some tree bark, some lily pads and some raw road kill. But, out of everything I ate that day the tadpoles tasted the worst. The main lesson I learned from that ordeal is not to let your older brothers dare you to do anything.
Now as I was saying about tadpoles, the little boogers most people think of are not good to eat however, there is a type of tadpole that lives in Northern Michigan and it is just right for the dinner table but, they are not available until after the snow is piled high. These tadpoles are gray in color and can get up to seven feet long and unlike their summer cousins, these tadpoles have rows and rows of sharp, nasty teeth that can rip through a fiberglass boat like a chainsaw. I can still see the one I lost a few years ago from the shoreline. It sank in about five feet of water.
Now these large, toothy but tasty tadpoles I have found only in one small lake in Michigan. It is not far from where I grew up as a kid. The lake is in the exact spot that a nuclear reactor once sat. I guess there was some sort of accident and the reactor disappeared into the ground and a small lake formed in its place. I believe the accident was never covered in the news because a lot of government officials wanted to keep the place a secret because it was such a great site for catching delicious monster tadpoles. My dad use to catch fish in the reactor holding pond back before I was born. I’ve been told that’s why I was born with webbing between my toes and a set of functioning gills. My gills scare off a lot of girls every time they try to give me a hickey.
Now the location of this lake remains a secret to most but, if you happen upon it you will see the name is “Keep Out” lake or maybe lake “Keep Out”. I’m not sure which since the word “Lake” was left out of the name on the signs. The name is on a sign about every 20 feet on the ten foot high chain link fence that surrounds the lake. There is also a ring of barbed wire on top of the chain link fence so it would be very difficult to enter except that about 10 years ago a large tree fell across the backside of the fence and now you can walk right in. I disabled the barb wire so it won’t cut my tires when I drive over it.
On my last tadpole fishing trip I brought along a guy I work with named Gerrard. He’s an old guy (about 27) and he lives in his mom’s basement and raises rats for a living. The rat business he inherited when his dad disappeared. There was a lot of buzz around town that Gerrard’s old man was eaten by rats. I never asked Gerrard about his old man but I always think about being attacked by rats when I go into any basement. Of course the main reason I brought Gerrard along is that it takes two people to catch those really big whopper tadpoles. It also takes a tow truck and I happened to borrow one from my uncle Frank. I let him drive my girlfriends Jaguar for a day while I got the use of his tow truck so I could go fishing for monster tadpoles.
Now these monster tadpoles weigh from 200-800 lbs. My dad says he’s seen them lurking around in the mucky waters that were 20ft long and might of weighed 2-3 tons. That’s why just a fishing reel and plastic line won’t work on these tadpoles. If their sharp teeth don’t cut right through the line then they will simply run out the spool of line on your reel. The really big tadpoles are just about impossible to stop when they start to run because of their great weight and because they usually have little nubbins started for legs and arms. The nubbins give them a grip on the lake bottom.
Well, I backed the tow truck up to Keep Out Lake and released some slack in the wench. I had a tow hook already on the end of the chain and that was all I needed to catch a giant tadpole. Giant tadpoles don’t have to be actually hooked to reel them in. Giant tadpoles just kind of suck in the bait and then clamp their toothy jaws so firmly down that it would take ten sticks of dynamite to open them up again. Giant tadpoles love their food and once it is in their belly they will not let anyone have it or in this case, have it back. The bait we were using was a skunk I hit last week with about four pounds of bacon grease soaked into the fur. Even though for humans skunk smell really stinks, to some animals it is like a dinner bell. For example, skunk fur is used to make trout flies in the spring. Now the smell of bacon or pork makes every single plant and animal in the universe start to salivate. We have giant lizards in Michigan that live exclusively on pork.
Finally, Gerrard and I were all set to catch us a whopper of a tadpole. My dad and I used to go fishing for them when I was just a kid. One giant tadpole would feed my folks my brothers and me for most of the winter so; my dad always took our annual tadpole expedition very seriously. Once we had the bait tied securely with wire onto the chain just above the hook on the wench, we waded out about ten feet into the pond and tossed the bait out about another eight feet which was as far as Gerrard and I together could throw it. Then, Gerrard and I splashed around and around in the water to help draw a giant tadpole into our bait. I remembered when I was a kid my dad would have me swim out about 30-50 feet from shore and then splash around to draw the in the really big tadpoles. Then they would swarm in like piranhas. Of course just being a kid I could run like crazy to get away from the monsters. Now that I’m in my early twenties I think I might be slowing down too much to swim that far out into the lake and lure in the monsters.
So we were all set to catch a monster tadpole that day but, we did not imagine the size of the monster that we lured into the bait. About half way across the lake a giant creature broke the water and when it came down it was just a few yards away from where Gerrard and I were splashing around. Gerrard and I quickly ran from the lake and got into the tow truck. “Do you know what giant tadpoles turn into when they are mature?” asked Gerrard.
I gulped and responded “I’ve never seen them but, they must turn into giant frogs”.
No sooner had I said that and the monster frog had a hold of the skunk bait and had swallowed the entire chain all the way back to the boom on the back of the tow truck. I hit the gas but went nowhere. Gerrard and I each jumped out of the truck and started running back toward the main highway. I turned around for just a second and saw the giant frog swallow the rest of the tow truck. Luckily the tow truck must have filled the giant frog up because he did not pursue us.
Gerrard and I got away but I did lose my uncles tow truck. My uncle was upset until I offered to let him have the Jaguar. He was content with the deal and within a week he found a girlfriend and she consented to marry him. So, I ended up gaining a new aunt out of the experience even though I lost my girlfriends Jaguar. I didn’t mind. My girlfriend was so rich that it meant nothing to her and I liked driving her Trans Am a lot better anyway.
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