PET BEARS ARE BEING LET LOOSE IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
There is a worsening problem here in Northern Michigan. It seems that people are coming from all over the United States and Canada and releasing their pet bears back into the wild here in Michigan. We in Northern Michigan know this because bears have been extinct here for decades. It seems that twenty or so years ago several Big Foot monsters invaded Michigan from Canada and, everyone knows the favorite food of the Big Foot is bear meat. It did not take the Big Foots long to exterminate the bear population and then they started to devour our native yeti population.

At any rate, the citing of bears this fall has been phenomenal. It is not just black bears that people are citing in Northern Michigan but, several citing of Kodiak bears and even polar bears have been reported to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).

Now a lot of you people out there think that Michigan, with its swamps and stands of pine trees would be a perfect place to release your pet bear back to nature. But, you have to understand that by releasing your pet bear here in the northern woods you are really sentencing your pet to a really horrible death. You see we still have a massive number of big
foots in Northern Michigan.

In some counties there are more big monsters than there are people. So, if you release a pet bear in Northern Michigan it will be eaten by a big foot monster. That is just a given. In addition,the big foot monster usually eats the bear alive by starting it's feeding frenzy by
licking then nibbling on the toes. Finally,the big foot monster works it's tongue over the entire animal before it begins to devour first the ears and then the nose. It is of course a long grueling and erotic death for the poor bear.

BIG FOOT EGG FOUND IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor, Humor News Nuts Blog
Today I went out into the backwoods of Northern Michigan to meet with the man who has just proclaimed that he has found the first intact Bigfoot egg. The man is Dr. Sumwatt Lyon. He is director of Big Foot Studies at the Accelerated Education Diploma College. AEDC is famous for giving out advanced degrees in science and technology. AEDC guarantees that you will have whatever degree you desire by the time your personal check has cleared the bank. Dr. Sumwatt Lyon has several degrees himself from the prestigious Accelerated Education Diploma College.

I caught up with Dr. Lyon inside an old cave which was located deep in the heart of a cedar swamp. It was a tight fit crawling through the opening to the cave and it was a tight fit inside the cave as well. The cave was no more than 6-8 feet across and only about 4 feet tall the cave smelled just like my grandparents crawl space did every spring when the septic tank backed up underneath the house because the rain had raised the water table up so much.

“Mr. Colin I am so glad you could make it on this historical moment. As Dr. Lyon grabbed my hand and shook it firmly I noticed that there was plenty of light inside the cave since Dr. Lyon had seven or eight crank light lamps scattered about the cave.

Dr. Lyon finally let loose of my hand and with a wave of his hand he directed me to look at what he called his “baby”. It was a large blue ball shaped item that sat just behind the good doctor. “This is the real deal,” Dr. Lyon exclaimed. “This is the first ever captured unhatched egg of the Northern Michigan Big Foot. This egg was obviously laid by a male Bigfoot since female Bigfoot’s, like most other female mammals, lay only pink eggs. Most male mammals lay only blue colored eggs.”

Something was bothering me about this whole notion that males laid blue eggs and females laid pink eggs I asked Dr. Lyon “what lays white and speckled white eggs?”

Dr. Lyon responded by saying in regards to white and speckled white eggs the animal kingdom had a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Dr. Lyon continued by saying “since you are probably less than six degrees from being a lemur then, you should just mind your own damn business.

I really began becoming troubled with Dr. Lyons theories when I noticed that on the back of the egg there was a imbedded white nipple that looked like a pushed in tube t o blow air into the object in order to inflate the skull ball. The little white. “Dr. Lyon,” I said,” your blue egg looks a lot like a blue rubber ball and there appears to be nipple on the back of the ball where you could inflate said ball at will. What is going on here?”

Dr. Lyon smirked a bit as though he were saying that I was not understanding things the way they obviously were. “My friend,” he began,” you see that imbedded nipple is actually just the belly button of the creature.”

After Dr. Lyon answered all my questions with such expertise, I had no option but to believe his theories and stories regarding the big-foot monster. The blue rubbery egg Dr. Lyon produced to this crew appeared to be the actual egg of a big foot male monster. In our opinion, thus far our researchers have found nothing on the internet to refute or debunk these claims.