NOSE SLUGS ENTER BRAINS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

THE BED BUG NOSE SLUG
By Tim Colin
Many people with cabins in the deep woods of Northern Michigan have been complaining about being attacked by a type of nose slug that lives in the bedding like a bed bug. But, unlike a bed bug the nose slug slithers up into your nose, nourishes itself on your nose hairs and then continues up into the brain cavity where it lays its eggs and then dies. For the next six weeks the victim will have to go everywhere without a single nose hair hanging down below the nostril.

Drake Nostrello was one such victim. “You cannot believe how embarrassing it is to walk around with no nose hairs. It would be less noticeable if I had had my eyebrows eaten off then my nose hairs. Without nose hairs my nostrils are always so dry that they constantly itch. You can tell when someone has been attacked by a nose slug because they constantly have their fingers up their nose scratching away at that incredibly dry nostril skin.”

Diane Nosette, another victim of the nose slug said that “The worst thing about the nose slug is when the eggs they lay in your brain hatch out. The eggs turn into little butterfly that fly out of your nose at the oddest times. Sometimes they fly out during dinner which makes anyone you’re having dinner with quite uncomfortable. No one ever says anything because I guess they don’t want to embarrass me by pointing out that little butterflies are coming out of my nose. I recently got married and my honeymoon was a complete disaster. My husband still won’t give my nose a kiss because he’s afraid a bunch of bugs will fly out at him."

There has never been an outbreak of nose slugs in Michigan that was this serious. Most experts believe the nose slugs entered this country from Canada where nose slugs are very common. It seems the first settlers in Canada did not have anything to trim their nose hairs so they imported the first nose slugs to this continent. The Canadians also found that nose slugs were very good to eat and worked well as a sausage casing. Nose slugs by themselves are said to taste best with mayonnaise although French Canadians prefer nose slugs with cheese sauce and light vinaigrette.

HUNTING LEPRECHAUNS IN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Recently, my co-worker Gerrard and I went down to Mt. Pleasant to work on a story about co-eds and their behavior in night clubs that have live bands versus their behavior at night clubs that have a DJ. Gerrard had this theory that college women are more likely to go out on the dance floor and jump around if there is a DJ instead of a live band. I was kind of skeptical so, we thought we would do some research on Gerrard’s theory and then write an article about it. We figured we could get a room for a weekend in Mt. Pleasant paid for by our editor, my brother Tim. My cheap brother laughed at us as he said “No way you dumb…” Tim only uses colorful language when he talks about spending money.

It was just as well that Tim turned us down because I was able to borrow enough money from my brother Mike so that Gerrard and I could each get our own room. My brother Mike has a rich girlfriend that gave him a bunch of money. He claims his girlfriend is a vampire but, I don’t believe in such foolish stuff. Of course I really don’t care what she is as long as we got enough money out of Mike so that Gerrard and I can each have our own room. You need to have your own room when traveling with Gerrard because he always drinks too many beers then, he starts to drink shots and shooters and finally, he gets really sick for about two or three days. I think that’s why his mom makes him live down in the basement.

There are lots of motels and hotels to stay at in Mt. Pleasant. We stayed at one that had a night club in it with a large dance floor. This way we would not be driving while drinking. Just to make sure that we wouldn’t do anything stupid like try to drive somewhere after we were kicked out of the nightclub, I gave my keys to the front desk and asked them not to give me back the keys until the next day because I knew I would be unfit to drive anywhere. The front desk girl thought that I had a really good idea. I hoped I had scored some points with her since she was really nice looking. I asked her if she was going to be at the night club later on and she said she would and she’d look for me there.

I obviously scored some points with the front desk girl when I turned in my keys and showed her how responsible I was unfortunately, by the time she showed up at the night club I was already having problems standing and she quickly left the place after I accidentally fell on her. Evidently, she was not impressed. She should have been glad Gerrard didn’t fall on her because he weighs nearly twice as much as I do.

After watching the girls at the night club dance a little bit, the next thing I remember doing was wandering down the streets of a town called Clare. It was early morning and I could not figure out what had happened. Gerrard was also wandering around in a confused state. This little Irish town is located just about 15 miles North of Mt. Pleasant. Neither Gerrard nor I ever figured out just how we got there.
There was an Amish horse and buggy parked nearby and our shoes and pants were covered with horse manure. An Amish fellow also waved to us as he got in the cart and drove off. Maybe we hitched a ride. At any rate, we decided that we should find a place out of the cold. Luckily, Irish towns have plenty of pubs so we went in the nearest one and bellied up to the bar.

Gerrard and I didn’t want to spend too much money so we each ordered an Old Millpond draft. I was shocked because the draft was green colored. I said to the bartender, “What’s up with this? I never drank Old Millpond beer that was green like this.”

“It’s St. Patty’s Day. The beer just has green dye in it today, “replied the bartender as he busily unloaded his dishwasher.

I had forgotten that it was St. Patrick’s Day. I usually missed the holiday because I usually started celebrating way too early. After a couple of green beers I started to feel a bit more coherent. Gerrard also seemed to be coming out of his stupor. Then, Gerrard wondered out loud “I wonder if we can go hunting for leprechauns today. “

At that moment in time I thought maybe Gerrard had a good idea. “We couldn’t actually hunt one with a rifle since I left mine back home,” I said,” and, my lawn jarts are in the trunk of my car but, if we could capture one I think the DNR has some sort of reward for them.”

Gerrard finished off his beer and ordered up another one and said, “I think you get some sort of gold pot if you turn one in. I think that’s the bounty on them this time of year.”

The bartender brought over a frothy beer to Gerrard and said, “There, that’s your last beer for now. It’s only 9 o’clock in the morning and by the sound of things you fellows have already had too many. You need to sober up a bit so you can watch the big parade at noon today. There‘ll be leprechauns all over the place during the parade. ”

That was all Gerrard and I had to hear. We drank down our beers and just went pub crawling down the street for the next few hours. I was trying to steady myself on top of a bar stool when suddenly; I heard the blast of trumpets from a band. I used to play trumpet in High School so I know what they sound like. Gerrard was sleeping face down on the bar when I roused him to go outside to see if we could find a leprechaun to capture.

When we got to the sidewalk we witnessed a pretty good parade going by. It had floats and horses and marching bands. Then, suddenly, a whole bunch of leprechauns all dressed in traditional leprechaun cloths came marching down the street. The only thing odd about these leprechauns was that they were all pretty tall. Gerrard and I decided to go for the biggest one since we figured we’d get the biggest reward with his capture.

Mike came down from Traverse City and picked Gerrard and I up at the county building. There weren’t any charges filed against us but, we each got a pair of black eye shiners. The sheriff’s deputy explained that the guy we tried to capture was a national Golden Gloves champion and we were lucky he didn’t kill both of us with his bare hands. Mike took us back to our rooms at the hotel in Mt. Pleasant.

I think it is going to be a while before I go on another road trip. I’m not yet convinced that Mike’s girlfriend is a vampire but, she does have lots of money. That Jaguar Mike drives is a really nice car. I wonder if Mike’s vampire girlfriend has a rich vampire sister. Even if vampires bite, it is still better than getting beaten to death by the bare knuckle fists of a leprechaun.

FOLLOW UP TO THE LONG LAKE CRASH LANDING OF AN UFO

PART I
By Tim Colin
This is a follow-up investigation to the one we had last year regarding the reported crash landing of a spaceship in the Grand Traverse County body of water known as Long Lake. During our investigation last year we found strange footprints along the shore and a partially eaten fish. The footprints led us to a wooded area where we glimpsed some sort of creature which then disappeared into the brush. We noticed that the creature was too short to be a big foot or a yeti however, it was way too hairy to be a human, unless of course it was someone visiting this area from the Upper Peninsula.

We did go out on the lake itself to try to locate the spaceship however, it got dark and the lake is like over 60 feet deep. Our snorkeling equipment only allowed us to search the lake to a depth of two feet. Because my father feed the family fish he caught at a water containment pond at a nuclear plant, my brother Mike was born with a set of working gills. However, he can’t dive down more than two feet in the water because his ears always start to pop. So, we were unable to find the crashed alien spaceship on our first excursion out on Long Lake.

Even though our first attempt at finding the alien spaceship was unsuccessful, we were determined to return and continue looking. The largest problem to returning to the water has been that we no longer have access to any type of boat. During our various investigations on lakes throughout Michigan for alien life forms, we have had numerous accidents and seizures of equipment by state and local officials. Now no one will loan or rent to us any form of water transport. We can’t buy a boat because no one will insure us at this time. I do believe that after five years our water safety and hazard violations will be set aside. Our lawyer told us he would get back to us. That was eight months ago.

Now that Long Lake is frozen over it is the ideal time to continue our investigation. We no longer needed any form of water transport other than for the equipment and portable ice shanty. To get our stuff out onto the lake I borrowed a toboggan and hitched my colleague Gerrrard up to it. Gerrard is quite big so I did not notice him having any difficulty hauling the toboggan through the deep snow and about ½ mile out onto the lake.

I am confident that Gerrard will be helpful during this investigation. However, I’m not sure if my brother Mike will be much help. My brother Mike thinks that he is becoming a vampire. He believes that his ex-girlfriend was a vampire who sprouted wings and flew off to Cancun Mexico with a bunch of other vampires. I think Mike is becoming mentally imbalanced. I’m not sure what the family is going to do with him. I guess if he gets much worse we’ll have to send him off to the e Upper Peninsula. That’s where all the crazy people in my family live. The U.P. brings out the most in a person especially, hair. Once in the U.P. for a couple of months, humans find that they start to grow hair in the most unnatural places like, between the fingers, under the toe nails and, even the eyeballs have to be tweaked once a week.

It’s now about two o’clock in the afternoon. Our plan is to make three small wholes in the ice to try to locate the aliens. We will place the holes about 20 feet apart. I sit next to one hole and I will be covered with our portable ice shanty. The other two holes will be manned by Gerrard and my brother Mike. I volunteered to man the hole that was covered with the ice shanty. The shanty is just made out of some sort of nylon and it really makes a terrible sound when the cold wind comes across the lake. It is much better to be outside in the wind than to have to put up with the sound of wind hitting against the sides of the nylon walls. Mike and Gerrard both volunteered to sit in the ice shanty but, I insisted that because I was the leader of our expedition that I should be the one to suffer inside the shanty while they enjoyed the outdoors.

Mike and Gerrard are just about done cutting holes in the ice for themselves. They only need to cut one for me and then slip the ice shanty over it and we’ll be ready to do some real research. I feel really confident that we will soon either find the crashed space craft or we will locate one of its inhabitants. Time will tell. For now I am going to turn off my digital recorder cell phone. I need to conserve my battery.

BIG FOOT EGG FOUND IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor, Humor News Nuts Blog
Today I went out into the backwoods of Northern Michigan to meet with the man who has just proclaimed that he has found the first intact Bigfoot egg. The man is Dr. Sumwatt Lyon. He is director of Big Foot Studies at the Accelerated Education Diploma College. AEDC is famous for giving out advanced degrees in science and technology. AEDC guarantees that you will have whatever degree you desire by the time your personal check has cleared the bank. Dr. Sumwatt Lyon has several degrees himself from the prestigious Accelerated Education Diploma College.

I caught up with Dr. Lyon inside an old cave which was located deep in the heart of a cedar swamp. It was a tight fit crawling through the opening to the cave and it was a tight fit inside the cave as well. The cave was no more than 6-8 feet across and only about 4 feet tall the cave smelled just like my grandparents crawl space did every spring when the septic tank backed up underneath the house because the rain had raised the water table up so much.

“Mr. Colin I am so glad you could make it on this historical moment. As Dr. Lyon grabbed my hand and shook it firmly I noticed that there was plenty of light inside the cave since Dr. Lyon had seven or eight crank light lamps scattered about the cave.

Dr. Lyon finally let loose of my hand and with a wave of his hand he directed me to look at what he called his “baby”. It was a large blue ball shaped item that sat just behind the good doctor. “This is the real deal,” Dr. Lyon exclaimed. “This is the first ever captured unhatched egg of the Northern Michigan Big Foot. This egg was obviously laid by a male Bigfoot since female Bigfoot’s, like most other female mammals, lay only pink eggs. Most male mammals lay only blue colored eggs.”

Something was bothering me about this whole notion that males laid blue eggs and females laid pink eggs I asked Dr. Lyon “what lays white and speckled white eggs?”

Dr. Lyon responded by saying in regards to white and speckled white eggs the animal kingdom had a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Dr. Lyon continued by saying “since you are probably less than six degrees from being a lemur then, you should just mind your own damn business.

I really began becoming troubled with Dr. Lyons theories when I noticed that on the back of the egg there was a imbedded white nipple that looked like a pushed in tube t o blow air into the object in order to inflate the skull ball. The little white. “Dr. Lyon,” I said,” your blue egg looks a lot like a blue rubber ball and there appears to be nipple on the back of the ball where you could inflate said ball at will. What is going on here?”

Dr. Lyon smirked a bit as though he were saying that I was not understanding things the way they obviously were. “My friend,” he began,” you see that imbedded nipple is actually just the belly button of the creature.”

After Dr. Lyon answered all my questions with such expertise, I had no option but to believe his theories and stories regarding the big-foot monster. The blue rubbery egg Dr. Lyon produced to this crew appeared to be the actual egg of a big foot male monster. In our opinion, thus far our researchers have found nothing on the internet to refute or debunk these claims.

LEADING NORTHERN MICHIGAN OUTDOORSMAN GOES OUT WITH A BANG

By Mike Colin
The greatest outdoorsman I have ever known has died in a tragic underground explosion. I am of course talking about my Great Uncle Oslo. Uncle Oslo was a hunting and fishing maverick. He invented new ways to hunt and fish faster than the government could pass laws to ban them. Thanks to Uncle Oslo you can no longer hunt geese using lawn jarts or, use horse shoes to hunt chickadees. His electric chair for the snow shoe hair was once featured in “The Alternative Hunter Magazine.” He was also on 60 Minutes before he went to jail for helping his friend, Dr. Kevorkian.

The local police believe that Oslo was blown up by a still he kept hidden in an old bear cave. My aunt told me that in fact, Uncle Oslo was getting ready to go fishing and was busy making up some home made dynamite when the explosion occurred. My dad said Uncle Oslo would be alive today if he had only stuck to the old family recipe for making dynamite instead of downloading one off the internet.

There is some good to come out of the tragic death of my uncle. It seems that Uncle Oslo never told anyone as to whether he wanted his remains cremated or buried after he died. Well, since his body was instantly vaporized in the blast and then the ashes were buried when the bear cave caved in, one way or the other my uncle’s final wishes have been carried out.

IS CEREAL GOOD OR IS IT JUST CHEAP CRAP SOLD AT A HIGH PRICE

By Mike Colin
I’ve been made to eat rotten tasting cereal for years. My parents made me eat it. I had to eat it in Head Start and I had to eat it at the homeless shelters. Now that I’ve got money that my girlfriend gave me I decided I’d be a scientist and test my cereal to see how good it is. I’ve been feeding chipmunks, birds and, squirrels for the past couple of months. I started out feeding those peanuts. Boy, did they love them. I then started feeding them moldy bread and spoiled stuff from my refrigerator. All that stuff the animals loved.

So, I decided to feed the local animals some of my cereal that I have been forced to eat since I was a little kid twenty years ago. On the cereal box it says that the cereal is packed with all kinds of needed vitamins and minerals that are needed for a healthy body. The animals treated my cereal literally like cat litter. Evidently my rotten tasting cereal was not full of anything that animals need to stay alive otherwise they would have fought over those golden, crispy flakes. Maybe I need to change to a diet of eggs and bacon. I put some spoiled eggs and bacon out one time and a chimpmunk ran off with the entire breakfast tucked away in his cheeks.