HOW THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER SAVED CHRISTMAS

By Bob White
I have been following the legendary Frankenmoose, the one created by Dr. Stein Franken currently of Suttons Bay Michigan and formerly of Frankenmuth Michigan. It is said that Dr. Franken created his creature after a circus truck hit a moose just outside of Frankenmuth Michigan. The circus truck had a human driver and a full-grown Siberian tiger in the back. Dr. Franken could only find enough living tissue from the three victims to put together a single creature. The creature was part tiger, part moose and, part human. Although there are, other creatures called Frankenmoose this creature was in part named after its creator, Dr. Stein Franken.

Because Dr. Franken had created this monster in an area not zoned for creating monsters, he had to keep its existence a secret. Dr. Franken and his family nursed the creature back to health and the Frankenmoose eventually became one of the family. Everything went well until the Frankenmoose was burned on the behind by the family bratwurst grill. The fire and the burning sensation it caused, seemed to make the creature go mad. It went on a rampage of destruction all across the state. Finally, the Men in Dark Suits (MIDS) were able to trap the beast and send it off to a secret underground military base located beneath the sand dunes in Leelanau County Michigan.

The Frankenmoose had the wiles of a tiger, the intelligence of a human and the strength of a moose so; it was not long before the creature escaped the maximum-security base. After his escape, the Frankenmoose knew he would have to find work. He read the local papers and found an advertisement for a four-legged animal that could work hauling logs for an environmentally friendly logging company. It seems the company had a horse but the horse became old and had to be retired to the Grand Rapids Glue Factory and Retirement Home for Horses.

The Frankenmoose easily convinced the owners of the lumber company that he would be an effective animal employee who could carry several times his weight up a steep hill. On the day before Christmas, there was a terrible winter storm. The Frankenmoose was happily hauling large red pine logs up hill to an awaiting truck when suddenly a snowmobile smashed into the truck and an old white bearded man went flying through the air and landed on top of the left antler of the Frankenmoose. “Ouch,” went the old man as he rolled off the antler of the Frankenmoose and feel into the hard packed snow.

The truck driver, who was also the owner of the lumber company, jumped out of his truck cab and ran over to where the old man laid. “Are you hurt old timer?” the lumberjack asked.

“I’m fine,” the old man replied, “but, I’ve got to get to the toy factory in Mancelona and pick up some toys and take them to the orphanage in Kalkaska. I make this trip every year.”

The old man struggled to his feet, got on top of his snowmobile, and tried to start it. The engine would not even turn over. “Phooey Sticks,” the old man cursed, “I’m not going no where with this machine.”

The Monster had been listening to every word and had an idea. The great beast suddenly started burping and snorting in what seemed to be very chaotic patterns. Nonetheless, the lumberjack and the hold man listened intently. “The creature is signaling in Morris code!” exclaimed the old man.

“I know,” retorted the truck driver, “this creature is part human and the human part was in the navy just like I was. Morris code is how the creature communicates. I think he is saying that he will pull you and your snowmobile to the toy factory and back to the orphanage in Kalkaska.”

With the help of the lumberjack, the Frankenmoose was soon harnessed up to the snowmobile and running along the highway on his way to the little town of Mancelona. It was not more than an hour before the colored Christmas lights of Mancelona could be seen flickering in the distance. Then, just about a mile before the Frankenmoose got to town; a large ogre stepped out onto the snowmobile trail and blocked the only passage to town. The Frankenmoose stopped. “Oh no,” said the old man to the moose. “It is the nasty Pinecone Ogre. He eats pinecones all day and then his stomach gets so upset that he becomes mean and tries to ruin everyone’s day.”

The Frankenmoose was undaunted. He simply bent his head down and hurled himself with the snowmobile in tow, directly toward the Ogre. The Ogre would not move but simply growled and howled at the oncoming monster. The bad natured Ogre was no match for the Frankenmoose for the big rack of the monster caught up the Ogre and the Ogre was soon flying high to the other side of the county.

The Frankenmoose and the old man were soon sledding through the Christmas decorated village of Mancelona. Colored lights and ding-dong bells were all along both sides of the street. When they came up to an old abandoned and boarded up cheese factory, the old man said ‘Whoa,’ and the Frankenmoose came to a stop. The old man whistled and an overhead garage door at one end of the building slid up and the Frankenmoose hauled the old man and his busted sled inside. Inside the old building was a well-lit modern toy factory with hundreds of tiny persons dressed up like Christmas elves, working diligently packaging and wrapping thousands of toys.

The Frankenmoose was so captivated by the toy factory that he could not grunt or belch out a single word. In the mean time, the old man had disappeared into an office and reappeared dressed as Santa Claus. “Ho, Ho, Ho,” said the old man. “I bet you are wondering what is going on my monster friend,” the old man said to the Frankenmoose. “You’ve probably guessed that I am really Santa but, no doubt you are wondering why I don’t have my regular sleigh and reindeer and also why am I making toys down here in Northern Michigan? Well, I do not have my reindeer here because so many people shoot deer for food here in Northern Michigan so, I left my friends down state where they would not be injured. I set up a factory here because elves are willing to work more cheaply here in Mancelona then they are up in the Artic Circle. It is nice here with all the lakes, beaches, and fun things to do. In addition, by saving money on wages I can put more money into making toys for the little girls and boys.

The Frankenmoose was glad he had helped the old man and was happier still when they delivered the toys to the orphanage and the monster saw the happy faces of the little boys and girls. The Frankenmoose had made a friend in old Santa Claus and had helped bring a little joy into the lives of orphans. The Frankenmoose had saved Christmas for all the little children at the orphanage. He did not feel like a monster that night but instead, felt like a hero and even a little bit human.

FOLLOW UP TO THE LONG LAKE CRASH LANDING OF AN UFO

PART I
By Tim Colin
This is a follow-up investigation to the one we had last year regarding the reported crash landing of a spaceship in the Grand Traverse County body of water known as Long Lake. During our investigation last year we found strange footprints along the shore and a partially eaten fish. The footprints led us to a wooded area where we glimpsed some sort of creature which then disappeared into the brush. We noticed that the creature was too short to be a big foot or a yeti however, it was way too hairy to be a human, unless of course it was someone visiting this area from the Upper Peninsula.

We did go out on the lake itself to try to locate the spaceship however, it got dark and the lake is like over 60 feet deep. Our snorkeling equipment only allowed us to search the lake to a depth of two feet. Because my father feed the family fish he caught at a water containment pond at a nuclear plant, my brother Mike was born with a set of working gills. However, he can’t dive down more than two feet in the water because his ears always start to pop. So, we were unable to find the crashed alien spaceship on our first excursion out on Long Lake.

Even though our first attempt at finding the alien spaceship was unsuccessful, we were determined to return and continue looking. The largest problem to returning to the water has been that we no longer have access to any type of boat. During our various investigations on lakes throughout Michigan for alien life forms, we have had numerous accidents and seizures of equipment by state and local officials. Now no one will loan or rent to us any form of water transport. We can’t buy a boat because no one will insure us at this time. I do believe that after five years our water safety and hazard violations will be set aside. Our lawyer told us he would get back to us. That was eight months ago.

Now that Long Lake is frozen over it is the ideal time to continue our investigation. We no longer needed any form of water transport other than for the equipment and portable ice shanty. To get our stuff out onto the lake I borrowed a toboggan and hitched my colleague Gerrrard up to it. Gerrard is quite big so I did not notice him having any difficulty hauling the toboggan through the deep snow and about ½ mile out onto the lake.

I am confident that Gerrard will be helpful during this investigation. However, I’m not sure if my brother Mike will be much help. My brother Mike thinks that he is becoming a vampire. He believes that his ex-girlfriend was a vampire who sprouted wings and flew off to Cancun Mexico with a bunch of other vampires. I think Mike is becoming mentally imbalanced. I’m not sure what the family is going to do with him. I guess if he gets much worse we’ll have to send him off to the e Upper Peninsula. That’s where all the crazy people in my family live. The U.P. brings out the most in a person especially, hair. Once in the U.P. for a couple of months, humans find that they start to grow hair in the most unnatural places like, between the fingers, under the toe nails and, even the eyeballs have to be tweaked once a week.

It’s now about two o’clock in the afternoon. Our plan is to make three small wholes in the ice to try to locate the aliens. We will place the holes about 20 feet apart. I sit next to one hole and I will be covered with our portable ice shanty. The other two holes will be manned by Gerrard and my brother Mike. I volunteered to man the hole that was covered with the ice shanty. The shanty is just made out of some sort of nylon and it really makes a terrible sound when the cold wind comes across the lake. It is much better to be outside in the wind than to have to put up with the sound of wind hitting against the sides of the nylon walls. Mike and Gerrard both volunteered to sit in the ice shanty but, I insisted that because I was the leader of our expedition that I should be the one to suffer inside the shanty while they enjoyed the outdoors.

Mike and Gerrard are just about done cutting holes in the ice for themselves. They only need to cut one for me and then slip the ice shanty over it and we’ll be ready to do some real research. I feel really confident that we will soon either find the crashed space craft or we will locate one of its inhabitants. Time will tell. For now I am going to turn off my digital recorder cell phone. I need to conserve my battery.