Tim Colin
Recently, Northern Michigan suffered an outbreak of giant, brain eating, flying, zombie, squirrels. The first of these creatures was observed near the famed Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park. It is widely known that beneath the park is a government run, super secret, experimental sciences laboratory known as Area 91.
The modus operandi of these monsters is to swoop down upon their victims from behind and then proceed to gnaw through the skull and into the brain cavity. Then, the zombie squirrels eat every single brain cell. So far there have been over two dozen victims. None of the victims have fully recovered from their attack. Most of theses brain cell challenged individuals don’t seem to miss their brains too much however, after a while each victim seems to go in to a zombie trance and then, the new zombies begin to try to eat the brains out of non-zombies. It is almost like they are trying to replace the brains they lost by stealing as a meal, the brains of the non-dead.
In addition to their bad behavior, each person who transitions into the zombie state has no pulse and feels cold to the touch. The disease spreads between humans just as it spreads from squirrel to human. Each person attacked by human zombies also becomes stone cold and has no heartbeat. It seems that the virus is transmitted only through saliva since in order to get the disease; the potential victim must be bitten. Once bitten, the victim has a 100% chance of coming down with the disease. The disease is of course incurable and the only treatment is to destroy any brain cells that zombie might have. You have to hit the zombie in the head to stop them. Otherwise, they will simply get up and pursue another victim.
I have recruited my friend Gerrard to help to stop this zombie epidemic in Northern Michigan before it becomes a world wide pandemic. Gerrard raises rats in his mother’s basement for scientific experiments so; he has some knowledge of rodent behavior. I also consulted local Traverse City psychic Madam Misty Merkel. She in turn consulted a friend oh her’s who is a witch. The witch told Madam Misty that the best person to talk to would be someone from Jamaica. In almost every old zombie movie the person who gave the zombie life was either from Jamaica or Hattie. The witch insisted that zombies are created by persons who practice the art of voodoo.
After consulting the web, Gerrard found that there was a Jamaican living in Saginaw Michigan and working at Delta College who was on loan from the Jamaican University of Occult Arts and Crafts. We immediately contacted this man and after intense negotiations, he agreed to meet with us for $15.00 and a carton of menthol flavored cigarettes.
The learned Jamaican was Professor Main E. Ack. The professor was assigned to the custodial sciences at Delta College while his credentials are being checked and pending the outcome of his deportation hearing. The professor has listed on his face book page
that he is the world’s foremost expert on mammals with brain eating disorders.
When I met the professor I noticed that he did not have dreadlocks. When I mentioned this to him he accused me of being a racist and besides, he was actually from Brazil but had to go to Jamaica to study the occult sciences at university level because he did not have the grades to study the occult sciences in Brazil.
Professor Ack did give us one very important information that we did not have before. It seems that according to a History News Nuts blog, brain eating squirrels were common to North America until the time of Columbus. Columbus and his brother discovered that by hitting the squirrels directly in the head you could kill them. Since that time brain eating zombie squirrels were thought to be extinct.
After we gave Professor Ack his $15.00 and a case of menthol cigarettes, Gerrard and I returned to our base in Traverse City. We now knew exactly how to stop the brain eating zombie squirrels and the humans they had infected. You had to hit them in the head. That was the only way to stop them. Hit them in the head with a bullet, a ball bat or a golf club, it did not matter. The brain had to be destroyed or whatever brain cells were left after other zombies had feasted on the head.
It was not long until everyone in the Traverse City area was hunting down zombies and bashing their brains in. Traverse City area residents used various methods to destroy the zombified squirrels and humans. Some residents used golf clubs. Some used coffee cups with the most exquisite latté in them. Others used such brain killers as hockey sticks, tether balls and lawn jarts. In the end, zombism died in the forests of Grand Traverse and Benzie counties.
Although all know zombies were wiped out there are still several unresolved questions regarding the zombie outbreak? First of all, why did the zombie outbreak get started in the first place? Have there always been zombie brain eaters out there that we ignored until a massive outbreak was staring us in the face?
Another interesting question is what part did area 91 play in the zombie outbreak? Do the scientists that play god under the sand dunes have some chemical that causes the dead to become undead and crave brains? Is this some sort of military experiment?
Perhaps the scientists who work at area 91 under the sand dunes have some sort of time travel machine. Maybe they retrieved diseased animals from the past before Christopher Columbus and his brother eradicated the little monsters from our continent.
One other interesting issue is that we were attacked by brain eating flying zombie squirrels. Clearly, the history books state that the original brain eating zombie squirrels swung down from vines to attack their victims. They could not fly evidently or, they would not have had to swing down. Was the change from regular squirrels attacking humans on vines and the current monsters being capable of flight, an accident of nature or the hand of man at work making a killing machine just that much more perfect in design?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
NEW ICE ROAD RULE HARMS OUTDOORS PEOPLE
By Tim Colin
Editor
I and everyone I know are extremely disturbed. It seems that the State of Michigan is going to be ticketing people who drive their vehicles out onto lakes and rivers when there is little if any ice to hold up said vehicles. It seems the government believes it is the driver’s responsibility to check to make sure that there is adequate ice on a lake to hold up your personal vehicle. What kind of nonsense is this? How in the world do you know if your vehicle can be supported by the ice unless you first test the ice by driving your vehicle out on it? Of course once you’re out on the lake you is either going to find that there is ice to support your vehicle or there is not; in which case you will go through the ice and have to pay a big fine.
In addition to the fact that sometimes it is hard to tell if the ice is thick enough to hold your vehicle sometimes, it is hard to know if there is any ice at all to drive on. For instance, just last summer my dad was driving along a lake late one night when he decided to try to take a detour home across the ice. Unfortunately it was really foggy that evening and my dad couldn't see that there was no ice to drive on so he ended up 40 ft. out from shore and 15 ft. under water. Luckily my dad equipped his truck with an automotive snorkel device or ASD.
An ASD is just a long tube tied to a balloon that you release from your car hood whenever you find yourself underwater. Most people I know use their ASD at least once a year. The state legislature is talking about making an ASD mandatory on every car sold in Michigan because we have so many lakes.
The automotive snorkel device certainly kept my dad from having to chance swimming to the surface and getting all wet and maybe catching a cold. It allowed the old guy to remain calm and collect his thoughts since the snorkel device would allow him to stay under water for several days even weeks if he could find a way to catch a couple of fish. Meanwhile there was an emergency kit that he used to help pass the time. In there emergency kit he had some dried peanut butter sandwiches and a package of prunes to stay regular.
My dad was actually rescued the next day after a fisherman trolling for crappies hooked upon my dad’s truck. Unfortunately for my dad he had found in the emergency kit a bottle of tequila and when the deputy divers smelled his breath it was away to the jail for dear old dad. He also lost his license and had to pay some heavy fines. Right about now he is just about done with his community service. It seems it didn’t matter that my dad had not been drinking before he went into the drink. The fact that he drank while in his truck while under the drink was all the judge needed to know.
Well, it kind of serves him right. He never treated me that good when I was a kid. He always paid a lot more attention to what my brothers were doing. Just because I wasn’t able to get into the marching band like my brothers, my father always ignored me. Of course I had a hard job trying out for the marching band because I couldn’t play an instrument. Playing the drums gave me a headache and playing any kind of wind instrument gave me nose bleeds. No, I just could never be a band jock like my old man wanted me to be and I’ve always felt he thought less of me for it.
Editor
I and everyone I know are extremely disturbed. It seems that the State of Michigan is going to be ticketing people who drive their vehicles out onto lakes and rivers when there is little if any ice to hold up said vehicles. It seems the government believes it is the driver’s responsibility to check to make sure that there is adequate ice on a lake to hold up your personal vehicle. What kind of nonsense is this? How in the world do you know if your vehicle can be supported by the ice unless you first test the ice by driving your vehicle out on it? Of course once you’re out on the lake you is either going to find that there is ice to support your vehicle or there is not; in which case you will go through the ice and have to pay a big fine.
In addition to the fact that sometimes it is hard to tell if the ice is thick enough to hold your vehicle sometimes, it is hard to know if there is any ice at all to drive on. For instance, just last summer my dad was driving along a lake late one night when he decided to try to take a detour home across the ice. Unfortunately it was really foggy that evening and my dad couldn't see that there was no ice to drive on so he ended up 40 ft. out from shore and 15 ft. under water. Luckily my dad equipped his truck with an automotive snorkel device or ASD.
An ASD is just a long tube tied to a balloon that you release from your car hood whenever you find yourself underwater. Most people I know use their ASD at least once a year. The state legislature is talking about making an ASD mandatory on every car sold in Michigan because we have so many lakes.
The automotive snorkel device certainly kept my dad from having to chance swimming to the surface and getting all wet and maybe catching a cold. It allowed the old guy to remain calm and collect his thoughts since the snorkel device would allow him to stay under water for several days even weeks if he could find a way to catch a couple of fish. Meanwhile there was an emergency kit that he used to help pass the time. In there emergency kit he had some dried peanut butter sandwiches and a package of prunes to stay regular.
My dad was actually rescued the next day after a fisherman trolling for crappies hooked upon my dad’s truck. Unfortunately for my dad he had found in the emergency kit a bottle of tequila and when the deputy divers smelled his breath it was away to the jail for dear old dad. He also lost his license and had to pay some heavy fines. Right about now he is just about done with his community service. It seems it didn’t matter that my dad had not been drinking before he went into the drink. The fact that he drank while in his truck while under the drink was all the judge needed to know.
Well, it kind of serves him right. He never treated me that good when I was a kid. He always paid a lot more attention to what my brothers were doing. Just because I wasn’t able to get into the marching band like my brothers, my father always ignored me. Of course I had a hard job trying out for the marching band because I couldn’t play an instrument. Playing the drums gave me a headache and playing any kind of wind instrument gave me nose bleeds. No, I just could never be a band jock like my old man wanted me to be and I’ve always felt he thought less of me for it.
Monday, November 29, 2010
HUNTING DEER IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN
A GUIDE TO HUNTING DEER IN MICHIGAN WITHOUT BEING KILLED
By Mike Colin
Many people in Michigan look forward to hunting deer for fun and profit. The fun part is being able to look a fellow creature in the eyes and put a bullet or arrow through its lungs. Girls often do that to me. They look me in the eyes like they really care about me and then they shoot me through the heart when they say they just want to be friends.
The profit from deer does not come from the meat (called venison). The steaks on a deer are pretty good but the rest of the deer tastes pretty gamey and should be used for stews (add lots of onions for better flavor). Stews are what you feed your relatives and other people you don’t care about when they stop by at dinner time. I save my good meat to impress dates. I don’t actually cook it. Instead, I just open up the freezer to show off all the expensive steaks I keep. After I show off my expensive meat I always take dates out to eat. My cooking is not very good. I can’t make a slice of toast that I’d be proud of.
The real profit from deer comes from the hides. A lot of hunters will pay big bucks (LOL) to have their hide tanned. A lot of guys make a good living tanning deer hides but, sooner or later they come down with anthrax and then, they have to pass their business on to their kids.
Before you go out after the Michigan white tail deer, you need to decide how you want to kill the deer. In Michigan there are several approved of seasons for deer including bow (or crossbow for old geezers), rifle, shotgun, muzzleloader and, pistol. We also have some unapproved deer seasons like dynamite and, off road vehicle slam banging.
Once you have decided on the type of hunting you are going to do then you must purchase the appropriate uniform. For instance, during bow season most people dress in camouflage so that the relatives and spouses they hunt with can’t pick them off so easily. During firearms season, most people are smart enough not to go with their greedy and trigger happy relatives. Then, they can dress in bright orange suits so the other hunters can see them. Note: If you do go with your relatives during deer hunting season make sure you let them know that your life insurance policies have lapsed because of non-payment and that you don’t intend to make up the payments until deer season is over.
Once you have decided which season you are going to hunt in then, you must choose your weapon. I like a nice deer hunting rifle that costs less than ten bucks (LOL). I usually find a rifle at the U Steal We Fence Pawn Shop. These guns usually need some minor adjustments which can be held in place with duct tape. Instead of spending a lot of money for a scope, I just duct tape a pair of old binoculars to the top of my rifle. A regular scope reminds me too much of my high school science class. Not only did I get a black eye from the crappy telescope but I got a D+ in the class because I couldn’t tell an ameba from a protozoa. Like whoever needs to know that crap in the real world? I never talk about amebas or protozoa with any of my friends.
Once you are in the deer woods you need to find some proper protection. The best thing to hide behind is a big rock. Unless the other hunters are using grenade launchers you can feel pretty safe hiding behind a large rock. However, there are usually few large rocks in the deer woods so you will often have to protect yourself by hiding behind a large tree. The tree should be some hardwood variety like oak and be at least 20 inches thick. A lot of guys are using armor piercing bullets that can pierce a 12 inch spruce tree like a lawn jart can puncture your liver.
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.
I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but, my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his 30, 06 rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.
Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.
By Mike Colin
Many people in Michigan look forward to hunting deer for fun and profit. The fun part is being able to look a fellow creature in the eyes and put a bullet or arrow through its lungs. Girls often do that to me. They look me in the eyes like they really care about me and then they shoot me through the heart when they say they just want to be friends.
The profit from deer does not come from the meat (called venison). The steaks on a deer are pretty good but the rest of the deer tastes pretty gamey and should be used for stews (add lots of onions for better flavor). Stews are what you feed your relatives and other people you don’t care about when they stop by at dinner time. I save my good meat to impress dates. I don’t actually cook it. Instead, I just open up the freezer to show off all the expensive steaks I keep. After I show off my expensive meat I always take dates out to eat. My cooking is not very good. I can’t make a slice of toast that I’d be proud of.
The real profit from deer comes from the hides. A lot of hunters will pay big bucks (LOL) to have their hide tanned. A lot of guys make a good living tanning deer hides but, sooner or later they come down with anthrax and then, they have to pass their business on to their kids.
Before you go out after the Michigan white tail deer, you need to decide how you want to kill the deer. In Michigan there are several approved of seasons for deer including bow (or crossbow for old geezers), rifle, shotgun, muzzleloader and, pistol. We also have some unapproved deer seasons like dynamite and, off road vehicle slam banging.
Once you have decided on the type of hunting you are going to do then you must purchase the appropriate uniform. For instance, during bow season most people dress in camouflage so that the relatives and spouses they hunt with can’t pick them off so easily. During firearms season, most people are smart enough not to go with their greedy and trigger happy relatives. Then, they can dress in bright orange suits so the other hunters can see them. Note: If you do go with your relatives during deer hunting season make sure you let them know that your life insurance policies have lapsed because of non-payment and that you don’t intend to make up the payments until deer season is over.
Once you have decided which season you are going to hunt in then, you must choose your weapon. I like a nice deer hunting rifle that costs less than ten bucks (LOL). I usually find a rifle at the U Steal We Fence Pawn Shop. These guns usually need some minor adjustments which can be held in place with duct tape. Instead of spending a lot of money for a scope, I just duct tape a pair of old binoculars to the top of my rifle. A regular scope reminds me too much of my high school science class. Not only did I get a black eye from the crappy telescope but I got a D+ in the class because I couldn’t tell an ameba from a protozoa. Like whoever needs to know that crap in the real world? I never talk about amebas or protozoa with any of my friends.
Once you are in the deer woods you need to find some proper protection. The best thing to hide behind is a big rock. Unless the other hunters are using grenade launchers you can feel pretty safe hiding behind a large rock. However, there are usually few large rocks in the deer woods so you will often have to protect yourself by hiding behind a large tree. The tree should be some hardwood variety like oak and be at least 20 inches thick. A lot of guys are using armor piercing bullets that can pierce a 12 inch spruce tree like a lawn jart can puncture your liver.
This year on opening day of deer season I went back to my favorite spot to hunt deer. I call it Fort Deer Camp since it is made up of a bunch of large logs that give me about three feet of cover on each side. Fort Deer Camp is an easy landmark to spot since on top of one side of the fort there are a bunch of dead limbs that look like a large 10 point buck from a distance. The big buck standing on top of my blind helps to get the attention of other big bucks that might be itching for a fight. A lot of guys swear that from about 50 yards away it looks like I have a real deer overlooking my little fort.
I didn’t see any deer on opening day this year since I was pinned down on my belly by rifle fire. This happens every year on opening day. I always have to wait until the tourists go home later on in the week before I can sit up and watch for deer. This year I didn’t think I’d ever get out of the woods but, my old man happened by my blind and laid down some cover for me with his 30, 06 rifle. I crawled on my belly out to the road where my old man was smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t seen any deer either that day but, he had gotten a nice buck the day before the season opened. Now he got the deer legally since he didn’t shoot it. Instead he hit it with his truck. He said it was an accident. He even told the deer and the game warden he was sorry.
Dad invited me back to his house where mom was fixing venison steaks and morel mushrooms for supper. The supper was super and it was a good way to end the day. Northern Michigan is a great place to live. Most people can even live through deer season. You just have to keep your head down low and hide behind some really thick trees.
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