By Ted Colin
I caught up with Dr. Stein Franken in a back alley as he exited the sheriff’s headquarters in downtown Traverse City. I asked the good doctor if he would join me for a cup of coffee at a nearby café. At first he scoffed at the idea but then, he recognized me as the blog reporter who interviewed him and his family after they were attacked during a neighborhood backyard luau by the notorious Northern Michigan Lizard Monster. Evidently, Dr. Franken thought that I understood what he and his family went through when they were attacked by the lizard monster. Dr. Franken had appreciated the fact that I had not put too fine a point on the fact that he and his neighbors were nudists and that they were all buck naked when the lizard monster attacked. It seems my cover-up of the nudist propensities of this former University of Michigan research geneticist had earned me an interview.
Dr. Stein Franken and I drove over to the Flap Jack Shack for coffee and pancakes. They have terrific pancakes but, the coffee there is simply great and I figured an old lush like Dr. Franken could probably use a little coffee to make his story more coherent. Dr. Franken ravenously ate down a plate of pancakes and guzzled an entire coffee pot of caffeinated coffee. I was unable to finish my pancakes because Dr. Franken has a long grey beard and it was just full of pieces of pancake and sticky pancake syrup and he was sitting right across from me and he just made me sick. He had coffee drooling out the corner of his mouth and his bad breath made my eyes tear up.
Finally, I decided to start the interview. “So Dr. Franken, what have you done now?” I asked.
“It really is not my fault” replied Dr. Franken,” I have a real drinking problem and every time I overindulge I start thinking about how I can improve the world. I begin to think about how I could play God and make this a better place for all creatures great and small. I see all the creatures frolicking in the forest and I really believe that I can help evolution along in some way. Well, yesterday I was fishing and drinking cherry schnapps when this big black bear came out of the woods and he would not leave me alone until I gave to him my two rainbow trout I had caught that morning. While this thieving creature ate my trout I noticed a giant snapping turtle was crawling up the river bank. I decided that the bear might be more attractive with a turtle head, backside and, shell so I kicked the bear as hard as I could in the groin and did the same to the turtle. Both animals were in such pain that they passed out and did not come too until the operation was complete. I had spliced together the genes and body parts of a bear and turtle and created the world’s first bearturt.”
“So what happened with this bearturt?” I asked.
The old Doctor looked blankly at me as he was retrieving what turned out to be some horrifying memories of the bearturt. “Well,” began the doctor,” the bearturt was really quite a hideous creature and I told it so. It seemed to get perturbed but I’m not sure if it was mad because of what I had done to it or that I had told it that it was ugly. At any rate, it chased me out of the forest and onto a highway. The bearturt then flipped over several cars and flipped off several SUV drivers. SUV drivers always tailgate so I always preprogram all the creatures I create to flip SUV drivers off. At about this point the sheriff and his deputies showed up and starting shooting at the awful looking creature but it seems the turtle shell kept the bullets from penetrating any vital organs. The creature then fled into the woods to do whatever horrible a bear/turtle monster might do.”
Dr. Stein Franken was so high on coffee that I had to drive him home. After I dropped off the mad scientist I began to wonder how mankind could make such hideous destructive things like the turkbear but, we are unable to cure male pattern baldness. We are truly a messed up society and we do not have our priorities right.
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
Friday, July 2, 2021
NOSE SLUGS ENTER BRAINS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN
THE BED BUG NOSE SLUG
By Tim Colin
Many people with cabins in the deep woods of Northern Michigan have been complaining about being attacked by a type of nose slug that lives in the bedding like a bed bug. But, unlike a bed bug the nose slug slithers up into your nose, nourishes itself on your nose hairs and then continues up into the brain cavity where it lays its eggs and then dies. For the next six weeks the victim will have to go everywhere without a single nose hair hanging down below the nostril.
Drake Nostrello was one such victim. “You cannot believe how embarrassing it is to walk around with no nose hairs. It would be less noticeable if I had had my eyebrows eaten off then my nose hairs. Without nose hairs my nostrils are always so dry that they constantly itch. You can tell when someone has been attacked by a nose slug because they constantly have their fingers up their nose scratching away at that incredibly dry nostril skin.”
Diane Nosette, another victim of the nose slug said that “The worst thing about the nose slug is when the eggs they lay in your brain hatch out. The eggs turn into little butterfly that fly out of your nose at the oddest times. Sometimes they fly out during dinner which makes anyone you’re having dinner with quite uncomfortable. No one ever says anything because I guess they don’t want to embarrass me by pointing out that little butterflies are coming out of my nose. I recently got married and my honeymoon was a complete disaster. My husband still won’t give my nose a kiss because he’s afraid a bunch of bugs will fly out at him."
There has never been an outbreak of nose slugs in Michigan that was this serious. Most experts believe the nose slugs entered this country from Canada where nose slugs are very common. It seems the first settlers in Canada did not have anything to trim their nose hairs so they imported the first nose slugs to this continent. The Canadians also found that nose slugs were very good to eat and worked well as a sausage casing. Nose slugs by themselves are said to taste best with mayonnaise although French Canadians prefer nose slugs with cheese sauce and light vinaigrette.
By Tim Colin
Many people with cabins in the deep woods of Northern Michigan have been complaining about being attacked by a type of nose slug that lives in the bedding like a bed bug. But, unlike a bed bug the nose slug slithers up into your nose, nourishes itself on your nose hairs and then continues up into the brain cavity where it lays its eggs and then dies. For the next six weeks the victim will have to go everywhere without a single nose hair hanging down below the nostril.
Drake Nostrello was one such victim. “You cannot believe how embarrassing it is to walk around with no nose hairs. It would be less noticeable if I had had my eyebrows eaten off then my nose hairs. Without nose hairs my nostrils are always so dry that they constantly itch. You can tell when someone has been attacked by a nose slug because they constantly have their fingers up their nose scratching away at that incredibly dry nostril skin.”
Diane Nosette, another victim of the nose slug said that “The worst thing about the nose slug is when the eggs they lay in your brain hatch out. The eggs turn into little butterfly that fly out of your nose at the oddest times. Sometimes they fly out during dinner which makes anyone you’re having dinner with quite uncomfortable. No one ever says anything because I guess they don’t want to embarrass me by pointing out that little butterflies are coming out of my nose. I recently got married and my honeymoon was a complete disaster. My husband still won’t give my nose a kiss because he’s afraid a bunch of bugs will fly out at him."
There has never been an outbreak of nose slugs in Michigan that was this serious. Most experts believe the nose slugs entered this country from Canada where nose slugs are very common. It seems the first settlers in Canada did not have anything to trim their nose hairs so they imported the first nose slugs to this continent. The Canadians also found that nose slugs were very good to eat and worked well as a sausage casing. Nose slugs by themselves are said to taste best with mayonnaise although French Canadians prefer nose slugs with cheese sauce and light vinaigrette.
Friday, March 20, 2020
THE MULTI-VERSE ME
WILL I EVER SEE ME AGAIN?
By Tim Colin
Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.
The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.
Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.
“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”
The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.
Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.
“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”
“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the backroom and found out that the secret ingredient in the best burgers in the multi-verse is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”
“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.
“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”
“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.
“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.
“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”
“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.
By Tim Colin
Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.
The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.
Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.
“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”
The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.
Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.
“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”
“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the backroom and found out that the secret ingredient in the best burgers in the multi-verse is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”
“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.
“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”
“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.
“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.
“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”
“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.
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