THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN YETTI MONSTER

THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN YETI
By Ted Colin
It has long been established that a creature known as “Big Foot” roams freely throughout Northern Michigan. In fact, many people who believe they have seen a black bear have actually seen the much more common creature we call big foot. The big foot is a half ape, half man creature who, wanders freely from one garbage dump to another eating almost anything that has an organic nature. The big foot creature hibernates during the winter months. The big foot no doubt uses its body to keep its eggs warm until they can hatch in the spring.

The big foot is one of just a few mammals that lay eggs. Dr. Donald Fraudster, a published big footologist and professor of eggonomics at the Wharton School of Poultry, has found massive eggshells and big foot fecal matter together in the same den. Dr. Fraudster has described the eggs as being about the size of turkey eggs. The doctor knew the fecal matter had the texture of other big foot droppings he has examined unfortunately, when the fecal material was to be examined at the Fecal Studies Institute in Washington D.C., it was mixed up with the droppings of a black bear. No one knows what happened to the fecal matter originally found in the big foot nest (den).

From all that has been written about the Northern Michigan big foot it would be easy to surmise that the big foot is the queerest creature in all of Michigan. There is however, one creature far queerer than even the notorious big foot. That creature is the Northern Michigan Yeti. Besides aliens from outer space, the yeti may indeed be the queerest animal to ever exist on the planet we call Earth.

Unlike the big foot creature and other mammals, the yeti hibernates in the summertime and comes out only in the winter. Unlike the giant ape size of the big foot, the yeti is relatively small, perhaps the size of a chimpanzee. In further contrast to the big foot, the yeti is covered in snow white hair whereas the big foot has always been reported to have black hair. The biggest difference between a big foot and a yeti is that the big foot lays turkey sized eggs in its winter den. On the other hand, I imagine the yeti must lay its eggs just like a frog, in gelatinous form on water plants. The yeti eggs then turn into tadpoles and swim around eating bugs throughout the summer and fall months. Then, just as winter sets in the fully grown yetis emerge from the water to forage all winter so that they can lay their eggs in the spring and then hibernate during the summer.

The Northern Michigan Yeti is a very elusive animal and is seldom seen in the wild. It is rumored that many people keep them as pets. It has been noted that yeti owners often dress up their pets as Old St. Nick and rent them out as mall Santa’s. The yeti is known to be very good with children however; yetis like to have a child for a snack every now and then. Therefore, it is important that you do not leave any child you like alone with a yeti for any length of time.

Because of the strangeness of the yeti, I have decided to become obsessed with finding one of these creatures. Once I find a yeti, I hope to get close enough so I can tag it. When I was a kid I dreamed of being one of those guys that makes movies of them taking down wild beasts, manhandling then, tagging the writhing creatures.. Finally, I would let the creatures go hoping they would not be too traumatized by the experience. Once tagged by man, many animals have relationship problems with creatures of their own kind.

One night after being cut off at the bar, my friend Gerrard and me decided to go out into the forest and find a yeti. When we got outside we immediately noticed that we were in the midst of a horrendous blizzard. The snow was swirling all around us in little mini tornadoes. You could not see more than 15 feet. Like all experienced adventurers, we knew we had to tie ourselves together so that neither of us would get lost in the blizzard. We did not have any rope but, luckily Gerrard had a spool of 10 lb. test monofilament fishing line in his jacket pocket.

Once we were tied together we were good to go except, we did not have anything to tag the yeti with if we found one. Once again Gerrard proved his worth by producing a black permanent marker from his front pocket. He new it had ink in it since his shirt was stained black in front because Gerrard had not put the cap firmly on the marker before he put it in his pocket. That’s why I always have a pocket protector. My brothers call me a nerd because I always use protection but, unlike them it does not cost me a fortune to get those awful stains out of my laundry.

Gerrard and I walked down the street in single file knowing that sooner or later we would either find a forest or be walking out into Grand Traverse Bay. Finally, after we had walked about 20 blocks we came to a wooded area. It was difficult to evaluate how deep the woods went because the blizzard still made it impossible to see very far. Our visibility was much less as we entered the forest since there were no street lights.

We had not gone far into the woods when suddenly we saw something large move ahead of us. We moved up slowly towards the creature vigilantly looking to see if it were truly a yeti. The creature did appear to be white colored like a yeti and the size of a large dog. Suddenly, just as Gerrard was getting ready to charge the creature with his magic marker in hand, the creature made a barking sound. Then in the distance, we heard a shrill female voice call out the name “Freddy”. The creature stopped barking and ran away from us on all fours. We new we could not keep up with this pet yeti someone had named “Freddy”. The creature was gone.

Somehow that night Gerrard and I found our way back to our respective apartments. I slept well that night but, the next couple of days I had to recuperate from a bad headache and upset stomach both of which must have been brought on by the cold air. I tried calling up Gerrard and talking to him about the yeti we saw but, he was even sicker than I was and did not want to talk because thinking gave him a terrible headache.

Because of Gerrard’s condition, I will have to summarize what was learned that night without his collaboration. First of all, the creature known as the yeti does exist. We have no physical evidence for the existence of the creature however; we did make personal contact with it. Secondly, the yeti we saw was the size of a large dog. It also barked like a dog and when it ran it ran away on all fours just like a dog. Evidently the yeti is not yet as evolved as the big foot creature that walks upright on two limbs. Finally, we know that someone in Traverse City is keeping a yeti for a pet. Next Christmas I will certainly be visiting all the area shopping centers to see if this yeti is being rented out as a mall Santa. I will pull on the beard of every Santa I come across until I find one that barks like a dog, runs away on all fours and, answers to the name of Freddy.

IS CEREAL GOOD OR IS IT JUST CHEAP CRAP SOLD AT A HIGH PRICE

By Mike Colin
I’ve been made to eat rotten tasting cereal for years. My parents made me eat it. I had to eat it in Head Start and I had to eat it at the homeless shelters. Now that I’ve got money that my girlfriend gave me I decided I’d be a scientist and test my cereal to see how good it is. I’ve been feeding chipmunks, birds and, squirrels for the past couple of months. I started out feeding those peanuts. Boy, did they love them. I then started feeding them moldy bread and spoiled stuff from my refrigerator. All that stuff the animals loved.

So, I decided to feed the local animals some of my cereal that I have been forced to eat since I was a little kid twenty years ago. On the cereal box it says that the cereal is packed with all kinds of needed vitamins and minerals that are needed for a healthy body. The animals treated my cereal literally like cat litter. Evidently my rotten tasting cereal was not full of anything that animals need to stay alive otherwise they would have fought over those golden, crispy flakes. Maybe I need to change to a diet of eggs and bacon. I put some spoiled eggs and bacon out one time and a chimpmunk ran off with the entire breakfast tucked away in his cheeks.

TROLLING IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN OR LIFE UNDER A BRIDGE

In Northern Michigan jobs are scarce and from time to time you may find yourself without an indoor residence. You can try to go camping in one of the parks or maybe just sleep in bathroom stalls but, the more experienced persons will tell you the best thing to do is to find a bridge and stay under it. Ones that are over rivers and streams are the best because you won't be rolling out into the traffic while you are sleeping. Bridges over steams and rivers also provide a good sourse of water to wash up in or just cool off.

If your bridge home is in a area of heavy foot traffic, you also have a good chance of getting a bite to eat if someone drops or throws their food over the side. Sometimes you can pick up change or cans with deposits on them under the bridge. This is great. In most homes people aren't going to throw money and food off the roof for you to have. I especially like the money because then I can go get a couple of 40 ounce beers to kick back with at night.

Nights are pretty cool under a bridge and you meet a lot of interesting people and animals. I once had a stand-off with a rabid skunk. It was neat how he was all wild eyed, foaming at the mouth and, barring his teeth at me.

People who live under bridges are often thought of as trolls like, in the Billy goat gruff story. In fact, we often call each other troll. When we see each other we might say "hey troll, how's it hanging?", or maybe we'd say "he's my main troll,". Don't ever say "she's my trollfriend," instead of "she's my girlfriend." Girls are a little more sensitive then guys at being called trolls. Of course the most important thing is that if you don't live under a bridge, don't call people who live under bridges trolls. It just isn't cool. It makes you sound like you are racially prejudiced against troll people.

Overall, trolling is an optional life style if you have no place else to go. Most people are on again off again trolls and don't always live under a bridge. You might just hang out there for the summer or, if your wife, girlfriend or parents kick you out of the house. Just remember that if you see a troll, just set that last bit of hot dog or sandwich down with the outside wrapper still on it. If you just drop your leftovers on the ground they get all sandy and gritty. That's bad for the digestive system.

Finally, I'd like to just mention the virtues of dumpster diving. In dumpsters you can pick up some pretty good eats for free but, you might have to fight off the sea gulls. I'd go into dumpster diving more completely but, I don't have the time. Finding your meals in dumpsters is quite a complicated science with what my brother calls a lot of caveats to it. So be good and stay cool troll. Maybe someday we'll be living under the same bridge together.