By Tim Colin
Recently there have been a number of bear sightings in Northern Michigan. Of course everyone knows there are no bears in Northern Michigan because the big foots ate them all. All the best scientific minds that I personally know, all say the same thing. So why is the public so ignorant about the bear/big foot facts. I decided to look beyond the scientific community to someone with some historical knowledge as to how the bears disappeared and were replaced with big foots.
To gain an accurate history regarding how bears disappeared in Michigan I thought about finding a bear expert at some college. Of course I remembered how boring college teachers are from my one semester at CMU so, I decided to look up someone who had first hand knowledge about how the big foots replaced the bears in Northern Michigan. That person was an old retired sheriff from Kalkasky County. I found the old grizzled man living in a trailer with a bunch of old bats. When I walked through his front door he told me to close it fast because his bats were light sensitive and when spooked by sunlight they immediately pee.
“How many bats you got now Sheriff Nutsman? And, how are you doint?" I asked as I approached an old man who was sitting on a bean bag chair and starring at a lava lamp. He was smoking a medicinal substance so I concluded he must have glaucoma or cancer or maybe really bad hemorrhoids since he was sitting on a bean bag chair.
“Some of them bats is pets and some of them is just plain wild. I'm doing really well right at the moment,” the sheriff commented as he took a deep puff on his pain reliever. “Say, do I know you?” he asked.
“You don’t know me but, you know my family. You arrested my dad, his brothers and my granddad several times over the years.”
“So, your last name must be Colin?” Sheriff Nutsman said as he remembered my family.
“Yes,” I replied. “My name is Tim Colin.”
“Yeah, I knew your family. They was always getting arrested for hunting and fishing out of season. They also liked to use homemade dynamite as their favorite way to take wild game. They also liked to rustle cattle and had sticky fingers everywhere they worked. Yeah, I knew that bunch really well. I knew your daddy well too. I knew you mom especially well. I don’t know what she ever saw in your dad. He was such a looser. Say, you’re not here for some sort of paternity suit or something?”
‘No Sheriff,” I responded. “I’m only interested in how the big foots got rid of the bears and took over the forest in Northern Michigan. You’re not some eccentric millionaire living in a beat up old trailer full of bat materials?”
“No. What you see is what you’d get, son.” Answered Sheriff Nutsman.
I was a bit disappointed and said” I think I’d rather be homeless than inherit this place. I’m really only interested in the bears.”
“Good choice boy,” Sheriff Nutsman said. “Now I’ll tell you my story. It was way back in the 1970’s when I was just a journeyman deputy for sheriff Goober Peas. Now old Goober was getting ready to retire when he and I had to drive out into the cedar swamps to investigate what was a complete massacre of bears.
There were tore up bears and ripped-up bicycles everywhere I said to the sheriff, ‘What happened here?’
“It would appear that this was an illegal honey deal gone wrong,” said Sheriff Peas. “A couple of those bicycles are from Canada. You can tell because they have “God Save The Queen” on their License Plates. These other bikes say “Made in Japan” on them so some of these bears must be locals. You know we can’t seem to build anything in America anymore,” the sheriff said in a disgusted voice. He was really ticked that we don’t make much in the U.S. anymore.
I pointed out to the sheriff that there was a large tricycle with a big wheel that didn’t have a scratch on it. Evidently the owner had been chased off by someone.”
“I know who owns that bike,” the sheriff exclaimed. “It belongs to Boo Boo Bear. I don’t believe he’s mixed up with this stuff. I think he might have the Canadian honey that appears to be missing from this crime scene.”
Now I found something in a muck hole. “Come over here and look at this,” I said.
The sheriff came over and looked at the muck. “It looks like we have ourselves a big foot going after poor Boo Boo. There was this big foot named Goldie Locks that escaped from a zoo last week up in Canada. He could have just took off out of the zoo and been done with it but this big foot is a real psychopath. Before he left the zoo he stopped off at the squirrel cage and ate every single squirrel at the zoo. There must have been thirty squirrels that he ate just out of meanness. I know for a fact that Canadian zoos always make sure their big foots are well feed and cared for so he didn’t have to eat all the squirrels. He didn’t even have to eat a one of them. You just can’t make these things up.
Well, poor Boo Boo was found all ate up. In fact, bears started to disappear all over Michigan as more and more Canadian Big Foots crossed the border into our state. Now there is not a single bear left here anywhere in Michigan. All there are left are those big foot monsters. You just can’t make this stuff up.
You know last night I had this dream. It was about the old days and my dad was still alive. He and I were on roller skates like people used to be way back in the 1960’s. Dad passed me while smoking a home rolled cigarette. I knew that he was going on ahead to find a couple of chairs to sit down in so we could each enjoy one of his home rolled cigarettes.”
“
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN YETTI MONSTER
THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN YETI
By Ted Colin
It has long been established that a creature known as “Big Foot” roams freely throughout Northern Michigan. In fact, many people who believe they have seen a black bear have actually seen the much more common creature we call big foot. The big foot is a half ape, half man creature who, wanders freely from one garbage dump to another eating almost anything that has an organic nature. The big foot creature hibernates during the winter months. The big foot no doubt uses its body to keep its eggs warm until they can hatch in the spring.
The big foot is one of just a few mammals that lay eggs. Dr. Donald Fraudster, a published big footologist and professor of eggonomics at the Wharton School of Poultry, has found massive eggshells and big foot fecal matter together in the same den. Dr. Fraudster has described the eggs as being about the size of turkey eggs. The doctor knew the fecal matter had the texture of other big foot droppings he has examined unfortunately, when the fecal material was to be examined at the Fecal Studies Institute in Washington D.C., it was mixed up with the droppings of a black bear. No one knows what happened to the fecal matter originally found in the big foot nest (den).
From all that has been written about the Northern Michigan big foot it would be easy to surmise that the big foot is the queerest creature in all of Michigan. There is however, one creature far queerer than even the notorious big foot. That creature is the Northern Michigan Yeti. Besides aliens from outer space, the yeti may indeed be the queerest animal to ever exist on the planet we call Earth.
Unlike the big foot creature and other mammals, the yeti hibernates in the summertime and comes out only in the winter. Unlike the giant ape size of the big foot, the yeti is relatively small, perhaps the size of a chimpanzee. In further contrast to the big foot, the yeti is covered in snow white hair whereas the big foot has always been reported to have black hair. The biggest difference between a big foot and a yeti is that the big foot lays turkey sized eggs in its winter den. On the other hand, I imagine the yeti must lay its eggs just like a frog, in gelatinous form on water plants. The yeti eggs then turn into tadpoles and swim around eating bugs throughout the summer and fall months. Then, just as winter sets in the fully grown yetis emerge from the water to forage all winter so that they can lay their eggs in the spring and then hibernate during the summer.
The Northern Michigan Yeti is a very elusive animal and is seldom seen in the wild. It is rumored that many people keep them as pets. It has been noted that yeti owners often dress up their pets as Old St. Nick and rent them out as mall Santa’s. The yeti is known to be very good with children however; yetis like to have a child for a snack every now and then. Therefore, it is important that you do not leave any child you like alone with a yeti for any length of time.
Because of the strangeness of the yeti, I have decided to become obsessed with finding one of these creatures. Once I find a yeti, I hope to get close enough so I can tag it. When I was a kid I dreamed of being one of those guys that makes movies of them taking down wild beasts, manhandling then, tagging the writhing creatures.. Finally, I would let the creatures go hoping they would not be too traumatized by the experience. Once tagged by man, many animals have relationship problems with creatures of their own kind.
One night after being cut off at the bar, my friend Gerrard and me decided to go out into the forest and find a yeti. When we got outside we immediately noticed that we were in the midst of a horrendous blizzard. The snow was swirling all around us in little mini tornadoes. You could not see more than 15 feet. Like all experienced adventurers, we knew we had to tie ourselves together so that neither of us would get lost in the blizzard. We did not have any rope but, luckily Gerrard had a spool of 10 lb. test monofilament fishing line in his jacket pocket.
Once we were tied together we were good to go except, we did not have anything to tag the yeti with if we found one. Once again Gerrard proved his worth by producing a black permanent marker from his front pocket. He new it had ink in it since his shirt was stained black in front because Gerrard had not put the cap firmly on the marker before he put it in his pocket. That’s why I always have a pocket protector. My brothers call me a nerd because I always use protection but, unlike them it does not cost me a fortune to get those awful stains out of my laundry.
Gerrard and I walked down the street in single file knowing that sooner or later we would either find a forest or be walking out into Grand Traverse Bay. Finally, after we had walked about 20 blocks we came to a wooded area. It was difficult to evaluate how deep the woods went because the blizzard still made it impossible to see very far. Our visibility was much less as we entered the forest since there were no street lights.
We had not gone far into the woods when suddenly we saw something large move ahead of us. We moved up slowly towards the creature vigilantly looking to see if it were truly a yeti. The creature did appear to be white colored like a yeti and the size of a large dog. Suddenly, just as Gerrard was getting ready to charge the creature with his magic marker in hand, the creature made a barking sound. Then in the distance, we heard a shrill female voice call out the name “Freddy”. The creature stopped barking and ran away from us on all fours. We new we could not keep up with this pet yeti someone had named “Freddy”. The creature was gone.
Somehow that night Gerrard and I found our way back to our respective apartments. I slept well that night but, the next couple of days I had to recuperate from a bad headache and upset stomach both of which must have been brought on by the cold air. I tried calling up Gerrard and talking to him about the yeti we saw but, he was even sicker than I was and did not want to talk because thinking gave him a terrible headache.
Because of Gerrard’s condition, I will have to summarize what was learned that night without his collaboration. First of all, the creature known as the yeti does exist. We have no physical evidence for the existence of the creature however; we did make personal contact with it. Secondly, the yeti we saw was the size of a large dog. It also barked like a dog and when it ran it ran away on all fours just like a dog. Evidently the yeti is not yet as evolved as the big foot creature that walks upright on two limbs. Finally, we know that someone in Traverse City is keeping a yeti for a pet. Next Christmas I will certainly be visiting all the area shopping centers to see if this yeti is being rented out as a mall Santa. I will pull on the beard of every Santa I come across until I find one that barks like a dog, runs away on all fours and, answers to the name of Freddy.
By Ted Colin
It has long been established that a creature known as “Big Foot” roams freely throughout Northern Michigan. In fact, many people who believe they have seen a black bear have actually seen the much more common creature we call big foot. The big foot is a half ape, half man creature who, wanders freely from one garbage dump to another eating almost anything that has an organic nature. The big foot creature hibernates during the winter months. The big foot no doubt uses its body to keep its eggs warm until they can hatch in the spring.
The big foot is one of just a few mammals that lay eggs. Dr. Donald Fraudster, a published big footologist and professor of eggonomics at the Wharton School of Poultry, has found massive eggshells and big foot fecal matter together in the same den. Dr. Fraudster has described the eggs as being about the size of turkey eggs. The doctor knew the fecal matter had the texture of other big foot droppings he has examined unfortunately, when the fecal material was to be examined at the Fecal Studies Institute in Washington D.C., it was mixed up with the droppings of a black bear. No one knows what happened to the fecal matter originally found in the big foot nest (den).
From all that has been written about the Northern Michigan big foot it would be easy to surmise that the big foot is the queerest creature in all of Michigan. There is however, one creature far queerer than even the notorious big foot. That creature is the Northern Michigan Yeti. Besides aliens from outer space, the yeti may indeed be the queerest animal to ever exist on the planet we call Earth.
Unlike the big foot creature and other mammals, the yeti hibernates in the summertime and comes out only in the winter. Unlike the giant ape size of the big foot, the yeti is relatively small, perhaps the size of a chimpanzee. In further contrast to the big foot, the yeti is covered in snow white hair whereas the big foot has always been reported to have black hair. The biggest difference between a big foot and a yeti is that the big foot lays turkey sized eggs in its winter den. On the other hand, I imagine the yeti must lay its eggs just like a frog, in gelatinous form on water plants. The yeti eggs then turn into tadpoles and swim around eating bugs throughout the summer and fall months. Then, just as winter sets in the fully grown yetis emerge from the water to forage all winter so that they can lay their eggs in the spring and then hibernate during the summer.
The Northern Michigan Yeti is a very elusive animal and is seldom seen in the wild. It is rumored that many people keep them as pets. It has been noted that yeti owners often dress up their pets as Old St. Nick and rent them out as mall Santa’s. The yeti is known to be very good with children however; yetis like to have a child for a snack every now and then. Therefore, it is important that you do not leave any child you like alone with a yeti for any length of time.
Because of the strangeness of the yeti, I have decided to become obsessed with finding one of these creatures. Once I find a yeti, I hope to get close enough so I can tag it. When I was a kid I dreamed of being one of those guys that makes movies of them taking down wild beasts, manhandling then, tagging the writhing creatures.. Finally, I would let the creatures go hoping they would not be too traumatized by the experience. Once tagged by man, many animals have relationship problems with creatures of their own kind.
One night after being cut off at the bar, my friend Gerrard and me decided to go out into the forest and find a yeti. When we got outside we immediately noticed that we were in the midst of a horrendous blizzard. The snow was swirling all around us in little mini tornadoes. You could not see more than 15 feet. Like all experienced adventurers, we knew we had to tie ourselves together so that neither of us would get lost in the blizzard. We did not have any rope but, luckily Gerrard had a spool of 10 lb. test monofilament fishing line in his jacket pocket.
Once we were tied together we were good to go except, we did not have anything to tag the yeti with if we found one. Once again Gerrard proved his worth by producing a black permanent marker from his front pocket. He new it had ink in it since his shirt was stained black in front because Gerrard had not put the cap firmly on the marker before he put it in his pocket. That’s why I always have a pocket protector. My brothers call me a nerd because I always use protection but, unlike them it does not cost me a fortune to get those awful stains out of my laundry.
Gerrard and I walked down the street in single file knowing that sooner or later we would either find a forest or be walking out into Grand Traverse Bay. Finally, after we had walked about 20 blocks we came to a wooded area. It was difficult to evaluate how deep the woods went because the blizzard still made it impossible to see very far. Our visibility was much less as we entered the forest since there were no street lights.
We had not gone far into the woods when suddenly we saw something large move ahead of us. We moved up slowly towards the creature vigilantly looking to see if it were truly a yeti. The creature did appear to be white colored like a yeti and the size of a large dog. Suddenly, just as Gerrard was getting ready to charge the creature with his magic marker in hand, the creature made a barking sound. Then in the distance, we heard a shrill female voice call out the name “Freddy”. The creature stopped barking and ran away from us on all fours. We new we could not keep up with this pet yeti someone had named “Freddy”. The creature was gone.
Somehow that night Gerrard and I found our way back to our respective apartments. I slept well that night but, the next couple of days I had to recuperate from a bad headache and upset stomach both of which must have been brought on by the cold air. I tried calling up Gerrard and talking to him about the yeti we saw but, he was even sicker than I was and did not want to talk because thinking gave him a terrible headache.
Because of Gerrard’s condition, I will have to summarize what was learned that night without his collaboration. First of all, the creature known as the yeti does exist. We have no physical evidence for the existence of the creature however; we did make personal contact with it. Secondly, the yeti we saw was the size of a large dog. It also barked like a dog and when it ran it ran away on all fours just like a dog. Evidently the yeti is not yet as evolved as the big foot creature that walks upright on two limbs. Finally, we know that someone in Traverse City is keeping a yeti for a pet. Next Christmas I will certainly be visiting all the area shopping centers to see if this yeti is being rented out as a mall Santa. I will pull on the beard of every Santa I come across until I find one that barks like a dog, runs away on all fours and, answers to the name of Freddy.
Friday, August 13, 2010
IS CEREAL GOOD OR IS IT JUST CHEAP CRAP SOLD AT A HIGH PRICE
By Mike Colin
I’ve been made to eat rotten tasting cereal for years. My parents made me eat it. I had to eat it in Head Start and I had to eat it at the homeless shelters. Now that I’ve got money that my girlfriend gave me I decided I’d be a scientist and test my cereal to see how good it is. I’ve been feeding chipmunks, birds and, squirrels for the past couple of months. I started out feeding those peanuts. Boy, did they love them. I then started feeding them moldy bread and spoiled stuff from my refrigerator. All that stuff the animals loved.
So, I decided to feed the local animals some of my cereal that I have been forced to eat since I was a little kid twenty years ago. On the cereal box it says that the cereal is packed with all kinds of needed vitamins and minerals that are needed for a healthy body. The animals treated my cereal literally like cat litter. Evidently my rotten tasting cereal was not full of anything that animals need to stay alive otherwise they would have fought over those golden, crispy flakes. Maybe I need to change to a diet of eggs and bacon. I put some spoiled eggs and bacon out one time and a chimpmunk ran off with the entire breakfast tucked away in his cheeks.
I’ve been made to eat rotten tasting cereal for years. My parents made me eat it. I had to eat it in Head Start and I had to eat it at the homeless shelters. Now that I’ve got money that my girlfriend gave me I decided I’d be a scientist and test my cereal to see how good it is. I’ve been feeding chipmunks, birds and, squirrels for the past couple of months. I started out feeding those peanuts. Boy, did they love them. I then started feeding them moldy bread and spoiled stuff from my refrigerator. All that stuff the animals loved.
So, I decided to feed the local animals some of my cereal that I have been forced to eat since I was a little kid twenty years ago. On the cereal box it says that the cereal is packed with all kinds of needed vitamins and minerals that are needed for a healthy body. The animals treated my cereal literally like cat litter. Evidently my rotten tasting cereal was not full of anything that animals need to stay alive otherwise they would have fought over those golden, crispy flakes. Maybe I need to change to a diet of eggs and bacon. I put some spoiled eggs and bacon out one time and a chimpmunk ran off with the entire breakfast tucked away in his cheeks.
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