HOW TO HUNT THE MIGHTY SNOWMAN

By Tim Colin

Hunting snowmen in Michigan is a highly regulated sport.  For one thing you can only hunt them after Christmas because desecrating a snowman is a felony during the holidays.  I guess it upsets little kids a lot just like cleaning a fish upsets a lot of people.  Well, to those non-fishermen and snowman hugging little monsters I say “Bah Humbug!”  Snowman hunting season should be extended year around in Michigan.
After all, many Northern Michiganders depend on snowman meat to sustain them through those cold winter months when bugs and worms are hard to dig up.

Anyways, snowman hunting starts on January 1st and ends on March 16th.    No one hunts on March 17th because we are all at the local pub crawl for St Patrick’s Day of course.

In the state of Michigan it is only legal to hunt snowmen with old fashioned lawn jarts.  Of course disabled persons can hunt snowmen with a crossbow if they   get the proper permit from the DNR (Department of Nationalized Resources).  Of course we all have to pay $700 for a permit to hunt snowmen.  At least we all have to pay that amount unless you have access to a Kodak copying machine.  They make the best copies you know.

With my license plastered on my back and three blue lawn jarts in my hands I started out into the nearest subdivision looking for a nice big snowman to bag this season.  It was not long before I came upon two of them.  They were just sitting there all still and such.   At first I thought that they saw me because they both froze and did not move an inch.   But after several minutes of observing them  just standing there stiff as a board  I figured they were in some sort of snowman trance like they were trying to communicate with some higher plain of existence or something.  I of course figured while they were busy contemplating their existence on a higher plain or something I would end their need to waste time existing on my plain by shoving a lawn jart through their heart.   I of course proceeded to do just that and the snow creatures became my future barbeques.

 Now some people say that snowmen are kind of a fatty meat to eat.  I myself find that after frying them up in olive oil and barbeque sauce that snowmen are kind of watery.   In fact unless I add some mushrooms the snowmen have to be drank like water and have no real flavor at all except for of course the barbeque sauce and the olive oil.

Most people wonder why in the world would you want to eat such a bland meat?  Of course according to the Michigan Surgeon General’s office Snowmen are very heart healthy with zero fats, zero cholesterol, zero carbs, zero sodium and of course zero calories.

According to the Michigan Surgeon General “Eating snowman meat is like drinking water.  The worst it can do to you is to cause you  to urinate more often than normal.





   

NORTHERN MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER WARNING IN SILLY PROSE

The Michigan Lizard monster scare,
Has frightened people everywhere,
But, he eats only pork,
If you're scared you're a dork,
If you see him, hug him I dare,
If he eats you I really don't care.

WARNING!!!! The above is just a silly poem. If you see the lizard monster in Northern Michigan please, do not approach him because he is dangerous. Hugging the lizard monster is a very stupid thing to do. If you come across the lizard monster stand perfectly still. If you have recently eaten any bacon or other pork products keep your mouth shut and try not to breath. The lizard monster might smell the pork on your breath and it might drive him to do unspeakable acts. Please be careful and vigilant for the lizard monster when you are hiking in the woods of Northern Michigan.
THANK YOU!!

This has been a public service announcement.

CELEBRATING THE NEW YEAR IN RURAL MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Every year since 2009 there has been a big  "Eve of New Years Eve" celebration in down town Pine Nuts City Michigan. The celebration of the coming of the New Year is held the day before New Years Eve since everyone in Pine Nuts City will travel to a real city to celebrate the elaborate festivities that areas with a better tax base can afford. In addition to a low tax base, Pine Nuts City does not have any stores or churches or clubs that can help organize and pay for really elaborate festivities.

Although Pine Nuts City lacks the finances for an elaborate celebration of the new year the 14 and 2/3 residents of the small town (the 2/3 is the child that Randy and Heather are expecting), make up for their stark lack of funds with a spirit of heart that cannot be measured in the number of fancy balls being droped or fireworks or fancy musical artists.

The Eve of New Years Eve celebration begins with the entire population of the town gathering around one of the large red pine tries that are up on the hill behind the mayor’s house. Once the residents are assembled around one of the pre-chosen trees the town’s people hold hands and sing the old spiritual song from the 1939 Wizard of Oz movie “Ding, Dong the witch is dead…”

Once the musical part of the program is completed and the clock strikes midnight the Mayor takes out his twenty inch chain saw. The chainsaw the mayor uses has been in his family since his son bought it for him two years ago at a garage sale.

The town crowd is very quiet as they look on as the mayor proceeds to cut the mighty red pine down. The height of the red pine trees on the hill average about 100 feet and the average circumference is approximately 3 ½ feet. It is always fun to watch people scurry out of the way just in time as the tree smashes into the snow. In 2009 there were 18 residents participating in the tree drop but because four of them were not paying close attention to the monster tree as it fell, there are just the 14 residents now with of course the expected child coming along in about another three months.

After the cutting down of the mighty red pine the towns people meander down the hill behind the mayor’s house and reassemble at the crossroads of the main street and M-72. The only local business owner is a big bald hairy armed man named Burly. Burly owns a junk yard and gets old wrecked cars and other items made from metal ready to ship overseas. On the Eve before New Years Eve Burly will pile several of his wrecked vehicles in the center of the highway M-72 and Main Street crossroads and set them on fire. All the plastics and rubber tires in the vehicles serve to make an awesome fire that really lights up the town and can be seen for miles away by cars and trucks traveling down M-72. The roaring fire and the smells given off by the melting plastics and the rubber tires makes everyone very giddy and light headed with joy.

Pine Nuts City is a small town in the backwoods of Michigan but, it is steeped in tradition including their famous" Eve of New Years Eve" Celebration.