THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER

THE LEGEND OF THE FRANKENMOOSE
By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts

The legend has it that the Frankenmoose was created by a German surgeon and neurologist named Dr. Stein Franken. He was a Professor at The University of Michigan Medical School and lived near the town of Frankenmuth Michigan. Dr. Franken lived on a busy highway just out of town. There was a bend in the highway in front of Dr. Franken’s house and there were many fatal accidents.

Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leaped out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.

Dr. Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slammed into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival.

The resulting creature was something the world had never seen before. It had the legs and claws of a tiger, the trunk and head of a moose and, the ears of the driver. The creature also had a brain made up of human, tiger and moose brain cells the resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of the human truck driver. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.


You may ask why Dr. Franken did what he did. Many believe that Dr. Stein Franken was a mad man that was taking the opportunity to experiment with life by bending the very laws of nature. Still others believe that Dr. Franken was operating in the most humane way he could and any person with his skill, placed in the same position, would have acted in the same manner. However, the fact that Doctor Franken was wearing Lederhosen and had just returned from a full day dancing the polka at a beer tent, leads most to believe the good doctor had greatly impaired judgment at the time of the accident. The fact that he had to be driven home from the beer tent seems to further bolster the idea that Dr. Stein Franken had a drinking problem that day.

Doctor Franken had a barn in his back yard where he assembled and then kept the creature. No one was aware of the creatures’ existence. There was such a mess on the highway that the body parts used to create the creature were never missed. . Meanwhile, the creature healed itself in the barn with Dr. Franken giving the creature a meat/ plant plasma substance in an intravenous tube. The doctor tried to nourish all the original animal parts. Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. At first, the creature seemed uncomfortable using the bathroom. Dr. Franken left the creature a little pot to help the monster feel more human. After that, the creature seemed to calm down and he no longer worried about where he relieved himself.

At first the creature seemed quite at ease with Dr Franken, his wife, and their children Celine and Angeles. The children rode the creature around the back yard. They played tag football with the monster and, they even invited it to join them in their nightly bratwurst cookouts. There as one sign of a potential problem. The doctor began to notice that small amounts of his grass were missing. He figured that the children were too young to be getting into his grass. His wife said she was not doing it. Besides, it was her grass too.

One night, during the family bratwurst cookout, the creature accidentally swished his tail across the fiery grill and his tail caught fire. The creature ran back and fourth across the yard until he finally drug his rump several feet across the grass dogie style. This put out the fire on the monsters tail but, it ignited a fierce insanity in the beast. The creature chomped down a bratwurst from the little girls’ hand, guzzled the entire keg of beer the doctor had for himself for the evening, then the creature bounded out into the vast acreage of corn fields that surrounded the doctors’ home.

The creature had escaped from the doctor and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chased down fans that smelled like grass. The Frankenmoose chased after some of the fans if he smelled grass on their clothing. The monster would also rip up any AstroTurf he came across. Apparently the Frankenmoose felt that AstroTurf was an abomination not just because it tasted bad but, because it spoiled the game of football. Man was not made to play such a great sport on plastic grass. That is what I believe the Frankenmoose must have been thinking.

After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful sleeping pill into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game.

The monster was then taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Sutton's Bay Michigan. There they entertain friends and try to forget the tragedy that caused their family such great horror and sorrow. Their children also share the burden of their fathers’ mistake. Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that the Frankenmoose will forever make bratwurst an indigestible food for the Stein Franken family.

MICHIGAN BACK FORTY WHISKY STILL KEEPERS SEE BAD WINTER COMMING

By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.

The Back Forty Whisky still Keepers Association has issued a statement regarding giving out free samples of product to lumber jacks. It seems that back forty whisky and cutting down trees is not a good mixture. In fact there is a drink in Northern Michigan called the Flattened Lumberjack. One drink and you feel like a big pine tree that you felled wrong flattened your body. The good news is that after a drink of backwoods whisky even if a tree does fall on you, you won't ever feel a thing.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN DEER HUNTING ADVICE: TOILETS IN THE WOODS

by Mike Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts

Well, it's deer hunting season again and I'm getting ready to go way out into the deer woods and see if I can't bag me a big buck.  I've got my dad's 30'06 rifle and that gun will take'em down but, I also picked up some buckshot so I could get a buck this year but, I can't seem to get the ammo to fit.  I sure hope I can figure it out while I'me out in my deer blind.

As far as blinds go I've put the best one together.  My girlfriend lets me use her credit card when she isn't looking and this year I used her card to have a wrecker haul in a bunch of old cars and set them up in a fortress.  I think I'm going to get in between the cars and be able to peer out at the deer or have a "deer peer."  I'm not that big of a dude so, I should able to hide quite easily from the deer.  Also, the metal in the vehicles should give me personal protection from other hunters. The deer woods is a dangerous place in Northern Michigan.

 I'm not hunting with my brothers this year so, I don't expect to get anymore wounds.  My one brother is always drinking and shooting at everything that moves.   My other brother just seems to like shooting at me.  I'm sure he means to miss me but, I'm beginning to hate spending every Thanksgiving on life-support.

 Hunting without my family will seem kind of different this year but, my brothers and cousins all sat down on the toilet seats at the county fair and seem to have developed a rare form of terminal scabies.  You would think that with all the skin diseases my family has had over the years that we would have developed an immunity to those little scabies bugs.  Of course, you would think that grown men would know better than to sit down on public toilets in Northern Michigan.  My cousin Lacey claims she got pregnant from a public toilet.  After hearing that I decided that toilet seats were just too dangerous to sit down on.
Now, for most deer hunters the woods is their toilet.  Every hunting season the lives of a lot of trees are saved as hunters switch from using toilet paper to leaves, grass and of course twigs  and sticks for older hunters.  There are some hunters who want to show how tough they are by using pine cones.  Others, like going bear-style by rubbing against some rough tree bark.  Overall, the type of natural toiletries used is just one of those things that make deer hunting a memorable experience.

Well, it's time for me to hit the hay and get some sleep before my hunting adventure begins tomorrow.  Finally, I wish all of you hunters out there the best of luck hunting and I wish all of you non-hunters out there the best of luck at avoiding the many stray bullets this season is sure to bring us.  And of course, everyone should make sure that they know their blood type.  It saves a lot of time once you get to the emergency room.