HUNTING MORNING DOVES OR, NAPALM SMELLS GOOD IN THE MORNING

By Mike Colin
The state of Michigan is a very pro-hunter state. You can hunt almost any creature imaginable and shoot them with any weapon you can find provided that you have the proper permits. Recently I decided to go hunting for morning doves. Now morning doves like to sit along gravel roads in small groups. Morning doves are a dangerous bird that attacks passersby’s with the voracity of a Big Foot monster. The only problem is that morning doves are not very big and are very hard to hit with even a shot gun shot. Of course another problem with morning doves is that because they are not so big you really need to get a mess of them at once if you are going to have them as a main course at dinner time.

I was able to solve my morning dove problems by visiting my grandpa. You see he is a collector of Viet Nam War era memorabilia. He has everything in his collection from machine guns to barrels of Agent Orange. Of course he can have all this neat stuff because he has the proper permits. My grandpa gets some of his stuff from other collectors but most of it he accumulated when he was in Viet Nam during the war. I guess he was one of those people you’d call a picker. You see he’d go around to military ammo dumps and pick out stuff he thought you could use back in the Michigan for hunting and fishing. He then sent the stuff back home through the mail. It cost my grandpa everything he earned just for postage. Just the cannon and rocket launcher he sent back was three months army pay.

Now when I went to see old grandpa he suggested that I use some land mines to hunt doves. He said the land mines he had were really sensitive. I told him that the only problem was that I intended to go hunting on state land and I wouldn’t want some hiker to get blown away. You see I was always taught to handle weapons in a responsible manner. My grandpa agreed and said that land mines might be overkill so he suggested that I use a mortar launcher. A mortar would be the perfect weapon to use against morning doves. You see not only would a mortar round eliminate several of the enemy doves at a time the doves would also be cleaned, feathers burned off and, cooked instantly. I’d have a meal ready to eat right there in the woods. My grandpa added that because doves had a reputation of being vicious if wounded the mortar would eliminate my trying to handle the nasty the little beasts up close.

Once I gout out in the woods on some state land I found a small opening in an old cedar swamp. There was an old partially graveled lumber trail road running through the center of the opening. I knew that was the perfect spot to hunt for morning doves. The next morning before daybreak I set up my mortar about 100 feet from the little opening. It wasn’t long before I spotted about a half dozen doves just sitting quietly out in the open. I dropped in my mortar round and fired. The only problem was I wasn’t use to setting the mortar cannons proper angle of projection so I overshot the morning doves by about 1000 feet.

Overshooting the doves would not have been much of a problem except that in Northern Michigan a lot of people don’t like to pay the liquor tax on whiskey so they set up their own still in the backwoods. Well, my mortar round happened to hit a still and suddenly there was a huge mushroom cloud rising up into the sky. I would have stood there looking at the mushroom cloud and all the trees that were vaporized but the shock wave knocked me to the ground and I laid there in a coma for three days.

After I got out of the hospital burn unit I decided I was not going to hunt morning doves anymore. Doves were just too difficult an animal to hunt especially when you consider the meager amount of meat on each morning dove. My soul is at peace with the nasty little dove. Instead, I can hardly wait to get some of my grandpa’s napalm to use when I go deer hunting next fall.

GUN SAFETY IN MICHIGAN

By Mike Colin
You have to be really careful with guns. I once shot my toes off when I was a kid but they grew back. For most people their toes don’t grow back but I guess I’m some sort of mutant because my dad used to feed us kids fish he caught at a nuclear generator cooling pond. I was born with webbed toes, webbed feet and a functioning set of gills. I’d be a regular fish-man excerpt I can only dive down two feet and then my ears start to pop.

Well, enough with my personal stuff. What I’m really trying to tell people is that gun safety is important. For one thing you should never walk around with a loaded gun and the safety off. Of course many backwoods people defunctionalize the safety on their gun because in the backwoods they think that safety is for sissies. But, the problem is that most people will not grow back a second set of toes if they happen to blow the first set off with a shotgun. Not only that but take it from a guy who did loose his first set of toes: it really hurts. Besides that mutants don’t have toes that grow back instantly like in the movies. It took nearly ten minutes before my second set of toes were completely back and functional.

Now, walking around with a gun that isn’t loaded still makes you look cool to the ladies. I know most of my friends can easily find a date just by driving around the county with a gun rack in their pick-up, with a variety to weapons of course and, a couple of half drank 40 oz beers on the top of the dash board. Chicks just love 40 ouncers. The size of a man’s beer bottle is very important to the kind of women you find in the backwoods. The half drank beer bottles also signal to the ladies that the man is safe to date. Because the bottles are half drank it means that this man has been dating women and that he has been giving them his 40 ouncers. If the guy had full 40 ouncers it would signal to a woman that he had never had a date before and that he was some sort of city slicker weirdo out in the county for heinous purposes.

I just hope that by reading this article you’ve learned a lot about gun safety. Let me end by telling you a little story about my aunt May. Now aunt May was blind as a beaver pup. She could not see anything and she also had a bad limp so, she always walked around using a double barrel shotgun as a cane. Well, one day when her cousin Big Hairy Larry came up behind her she turned around, thought she saw a big foot monster, and blew his head off. Of course she went to prison. The jury didn’t believe her story that she was just trying to protect herself from Bigfoot. Instead, they believed the prosecutor who said that May killed her husband because she had found out he was having a fling with her sister.

FOLLOW UP TO THE LONG LAKE CRASH LANDING OF AN UFO

PART I
By Tim Colin
This is a follow-up investigation to the one we had last year regarding the reported crash landing of a spaceship in the Grand Traverse County body of water known as Long Lake. During our investigation last year we found strange footprints along the shore and a partially eaten fish. The footprints led us to a wooded area where we glimpsed some sort of creature which then disappeared into the brush. We noticed that the creature was too short to be a big foot or a yeti however, it was way too hairy to be a human, unless of course it was someone visiting this area from the Upper Peninsula.

We did go out on the lake itself to try to locate the spaceship however, it got dark and the lake is like over 60 feet deep. Our snorkeling equipment only allowed us to search the lake to a depth of two feet. Because my father feed the family fish he caught at a water containment pond at a nuclear plant, my brother Mike was born with a set of working gills. However, he can’t dive down more than two feet in the water because his ears always start to pop. So, we were unable to find the crashed alien spaceship on our first excursion out on Long Lake.

Even though our first attempt at finding the alien spaceship was unsuccessful, we were determined to return and continue looking. The largest problem to returning to the water has been that we no longer have access to any type of boat. During our various investigations on lakes throughout Michigan for alien life forms, we have had numerous accidents and seizures of equipment by state and local officials. Now no one will loan or rent to us any form of water transport. We can’t buy a boat because no one will insure us at this time. I do believe that after five years our water safety and hazard violations will be set aside. Our lawyer told us he would get back to us. That was eight months ago.

Now that Long Lake is frozen over it is the ideal time to continue our investigation. We no longer needed any form of water transport other than for the equipment and portable ice shanty. To get our stuff out onto the lake I borrowed a toboggan and hitched my colleague Gerrrard up to it. Gerrard is quite big so I did not notice him having any difficulty hauling the toboggan through the deep snow and about ½ mile out onto the lake.

I am confident that Gerrard will be helpful during this investigation. However, I’m not sure if my brother Mike will be much help. My brother Mike thinks that he is becoming a vampire. He believes that his ex-girlfriend was a vampire who sprouted wings and flew off to Cancun Mexico with a bunch of other vampires. I think Mike is becoming mentally imbalanced. I’m not sure what the family is going to do with him. I guess if he gets much worse we’ll have to send him off to the e Upper Peninsula. That’s where all the crazy people in my family live. The U.P. brings out the most in a person especially, hair. Once in the U.P. for a couple of months, humans find that they start to grow hair in the most unnatural places like, between the fingers, under the toe nails and, even the eyeballs have to be tweaked once a week.

It’s now about two o’clock in the afternoon. Our plan is to make three small wholes in the ice to try to locate the aliens. We will place the holes about 20 feet apart. I sit next to one hole and I will be covered with our portable ice shanty. The other two holes will be manned by Gerrard and my brother Mike. I volunteered to man the hole that was covered with the ice shanty. The shanty is just made out of some sort of nylon and it really makes a terrible sound when the cold wind comes across the lake. It is much better to be outside in the wind than to have to put up with the sound of wind hitting against the sides of the nylon walls. Mike and Gerrard both volunteered to sit in the ice shanty but, I insisted that because I was the leader of our expedition that I should be the one to suffer inside the shanty while they enjoyed the outdoors.

Mike and Gerrard are just about done cutting holes in the ice for themselves. They only need to cut one for me and then slip the ice shanty over it and we’ll be ready to do some real research. I feel really confident that we will soon either find the crashed space craft or we will locate one of its inhabitants. Time will tell. For now I am going to turn off my digital recorder cell phone. I need to conserve my battery.