By Ted Colin
Associate Editor, Humor News Nuts Blog
Today I went out into the backwoods of Northern Michigan to meet with the man who has just proclaimed that he has found the first intact Bigfoot egg. The man is Dr. Sumwatt Lyon. He is director of Big Foot Studies at the Accelerated Education Diploma College. AEDC is famous for giving out advanced degrees in science and technology. AEDC guarantees that you will have whatever degree you desire by the time your personal check has cleared the bank. Dr. Sumwatt Lyon has several degrees himself from the prestigious Accelerated Education Diploma College.
I caught up with Dr. Lyon inside an old cave which was located deep in the heart of a cedar swamp. It was a tight fit crawling through the opening to the cave and it was a tight fit inside the cave as well. The cave was no more than 6-8 feet across and only about 4 feet tall the cave smelled just like my grandparents crawl space did every spring when the septic tank backed up underneath the house because the rain had raised the water table up so much.
“Mr. Colin I am so glad you could make it on this historical moment. As Dr. Lyon grabbed my hand and shook it firmly I noticed that there was plenty of light inside the cave since Dr. Lyon had seven or eight crank light lamps scattered about the cave.
Dr. Lyon finally let loose of my hand and with a wave of his hand he directed me to look at what he called his “baby”. It was a large blue ball shaped item that sat just behind the good doctor. “This is the real deal,” Dr. Lyon exclaimed. “This is the first ever captured unhatched egg of the Northern Michigan Big Foot. This egg was obviously laid by a male Bigfoot since female Bigfoot’s, like most other female mammals, lay only pink eggs. Most male mammals lay only blue colored eggs.”
Something was bothering me about this whole notion that males laid blue eggs and females laid pink eggs I asked Dr. Lyon “what lays white and speckled white eggs?”
Dr. Lyon responded by saying in regards to white and speckled white eggs the animal kingdom had a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Dr. Lyon continued by saying “since you are probably less than six degrees from being a lemur then, you should just mind your own damn business.
I really began becoming troubled with Dr. Lyons theories when I noticed that on the back of the egg there was a imbedded white nipple that looked like a pushed in tube t o blow air into the object in order to inflate the skull ball. The little white. “Dr. Lyon,” I said,” your blue egg looks a lot like a blue rubber ball and there appears to be nipple on the back of the ball where you could inflate said ball at will. What is going on here?”
Dr. Lyon smirked a bit as though he were saying that I was not understanding things the way they obviously were. “My friend,” he began,” you see that imbedded nipple is actually just the belly button of the creature.”
After Dr. Lyon answered all my questions with such expertise, I had no option but to believe his theories and stories regarding the big-foot monster. The blue rubbery egg Dr. Lyon produced to this crew appeared to be the actual egg of a big foot male monster. In our opinion, thus far our researchers have found nothing on the internet to refute or debunk these claims.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
THE HOARD OF THE FLIES
HOARD OF THE FLIES
By Tim Colin
While at the bar, my dad and I had an argument a few days ago. He told me that if you take a boat out of Frankfort Michigan and go due west you would eventually get to Wisconsin. I and my two brothers all laughed at dad since we knew from our school books that the state that lies directly across Lake Michigan from Northern Michigan is Utah. Well, of course we had to bet on it and since it was a question that involved the high seas we decided to bet a bottle of rum. .
Neither dad nor I or either of my two brothers could quite figure out how to find out if the state lying just across the Lake was Wisconsin or Utah so, we asked our co-worker and guest writer for our blog Gerrard. Gerrard said he hated geometry in school because he couldn’t figure out what some theorem about supplements of congruent angles is congruent had to do with state capitals. Gerrard did have an idea as to how we could answer our question. He said that if we took a boat across to the other side then, we could ask someone once we arrived. Gerrard does not look too bright but, he seemed to have an idea that we all agreed was the best way to find out which state is on the other side of Lake Michigan.
A couple of days later my dad had found a boat and before you knew it we were all headed out of the harbor in Frankfort for some unknown state that laid beyond our view. The crew consisted of me, my dad, my older brother Ted and my younger brother Mike and of course Ted and Mike’s friend, Gerrard. My dad had borrowed the boat from some buddy of his from the Vietnam War. I think Vietnam was after WWII but, before the French Revolution. Anyway, no matter how much any of us begged my dad refused to let anyone drive the boat except himself.
It was a nice boat, about twenty five feet long with a little room down below where you could use the bathroom in case you had a party with girls on board. Otherwise, it was easier just to give Mother Nature her due by aiming over the side of the boat for the big lake. Of course you should always be aiming downwind. I kept telling my brothers and Gerrard that they needed to always be downwind of me when they relieved themselves but, do you think they ever listened?
Well things were going pretty good for quite a while. My dad, brothers and I were on one side of the boat and Gerrard was on the other so the boat was pretty much balanced out. Unfortunately, when we were about ten miles out of port we ran out of gas. It seems that dad was a little tight on cash that day so he figured out just exactly how much gas it would take to get to the other side of Lake Michigan and that was all he bought. In order to get back to Michigan he figured we’d each have to get some sort of part time jobs on the other side of the lake to buy gas. Of course that was a mute point now since we were out of gas and were most likely either going to starve to death or be eaten by Lake Michigan tiger sharks. Of course dad finally figured out that his mistake was that he did not take Gerrard’s weight into consideration when he bought gas so that was why we did not even make it half way across Lake Michigan.
After about a half hour of contemplating who would be eaten for dinner my brother Mike spotted an island off the aft port starboard bow that we were drifting toward. About an hour later our boat hit a rock and sank just about fifty feet from shore. We all managed to climb off the boat and wade to shore. No one saved anything from the boat except dad managed to a bottle of rum and as soon as he got to shore he walked off the beach to the nearest tree, sat down and began to swig down the rum without offering any to anybody else. Within twenty minutes he had consumed the entire bottle and passed out with his face buried flat in the sand.
Upon seeing dad with his face in the sand my brother Mike said,” Maybe someone ought to do something with dad. He might suffocate like that.”
To which I replied,” I don’t care. Just let it be known that any of you that get yourself killed is going to be on my supper menu tonight. There might be nuts, bird eggs and, shellfish on this island but I need protein everyday to sustain myself. I will even eat my own kin just so I can stay alive. “
I took my two bothers to the side and said that “I have a real problem with Gerrard running around the island with just his underwear on. For one thing, why is he doing this?”
My brother Ted said that at home Gerrard’s mother didn’t allow him to run around with just his underwear on so he was trying to express his freedom while on a deserted island where his mom could not see him. My other brother Mike said that Gerrard told him that he had stripped off all his cloths because he figured there would be hula girls somewhere on the island and he wanted to impress them with his massive physique.
I also told my brothers that maybe being lost at sea was a good thing. I said that I was going to set up a camp on the other side of the island for guys who want to hunt and stuff and have a good time. My older brother Ted agreed with me but, my stupid younger Brother Mike decided that he and Miss Piggy (My new nick name for Gerrard), would stay on the side of the island where the old man was passed out in case he needed help. Mike also said he and Miss Piggy would keep a fire going so someone might rescue us. I told him that we were at least twelve miles off shore and no one would ever rescue us.
Ted and I hunted all over our side of the island but, the only creatures we found were bugs. Finally, I stumbled across a whole patch of mushrooms. At last we hunters would be able to provide a feast for everyone on the island. Those would show everyone how superior hunters are to guys that just sit around trying to get rescued.
The one problem Ted and I had was that neither of us had any way to start a fire. I knew that if only one of us had a pair of glasses then we could refract sunlight onto some dry grass and start a fire. The problem with that idea was that I’ve never had to wear glasses and Ted had laser surgery on his eye balls back when he worked at Wall Mart and had some insurance. I soon realized that the only way that we could get some fire to cook our mushrooms on was to steal the fire from the other camp.
I take great joy in being sneaky so, I sneaked over to the other camp and took a stick that had hot coals on the end of it. I was right in plain sight of my brother Mike but, he did not put up any kind of fight. He just said to Gerrard “I guess my brothers need some fire. You’d think they’d just ask for a lighter or some matches.”
Once the mushrooms were cooked Ted and I each tried a few. Suddenly, we no longer felt any anxiety about being lost off the Lake Michigan Coast or anything else for that matter. I’m not sure what Ted did after we consumed some mushrooms but I wandered out to the beach and saw several dozen gorgeous pastel colored mermaids just lying around relaxing. They were lying around just like they were waiting for me.
After several hours of having kissy-face with the mermaids I suddenly laying in the sand and staring up at a guy in some sort of uniform. He said “What in the world is going on here?” I had stinky seaweed all over my face and a hoard of flies were moving in and out of my nostrils, ears and, mouth.
Well the guy was from the Coast Guard and they rescued all of us and took us back to Michigan. We never did get to the other side of the lake to find out what state was over there but, after lots of research on the internet it seems that the state on the other side of Lake Michigan from Michigan is Ecuador. Who would have thanked it?
By Tim Colin
While at the bar, my dad and I had an argument a few days ago. He told me that if you take a boat out of Frankfort Michigan and go due west you would eventually get to Wisconsin. I and my two brothers all laughed at dad since we knew from our school books that the state that lies directly across Lake Michigan from Northern Michigan is Utah. Well, of course we had to bet on it and since it was a question that involved the high seas we decided to bet a bottle of rum. .
Neither dad nor I or either of my two brothers could quite figure out how to find out if the state lying just across the Lake was Wisconsin or Utah so, we asked our co-worker and guest writer for our blog Gerrard. Gerrard said he hated geometry in school because he couldn’t figure out what some theorem about supplements of congruent angles is congruent had to do with state capitals. Gerrard did have an idea as to how we could answer our question. He said that if we took a boat across to the other side then, we could ask someone once we arrived. Gerrard does not look too bright but, he seemed to have an idea that we all agreed was the best way to find out which state is on the other side of Lake Michigan.
A couple of days later my dad had found a boat and before you knew it we were all headed out of the harbor in Frankfort for some unknown state that laid beyond our view. The crew consisted of me, my dad, my older brother Ted and my younger brother Mike and of course Ted and Mike’s friend, Gerrard. My dad had borrowed the boat from some buddy of his from the Vietnam War. I think Vietnam was after WWII but, before the French Revolution. Anyway, no matter how much any of us begged my dad refused to let anyone drive the boat except himself.
It was a nice boat, about twenty five feet long with a little room down below where you could use the bathroom in case you had a party with girls on board. Otherwise, it was easier just to give Mother Nature her due by aiming over the side of the boat for the big lake. Of course you should always be aiming downwind. I kept telling my brothers and Gerrard that they needed to always be downwind of me when they relieved themselves but, do you think they ever listened?
Well things were going pretty good for quite a while. My dad, brothers and I were on one side of the boat and Gerrard was on the other so the boat was pretty much balanced out. Unfortunately, when we were about ten miles out of port we ran out of gas. It seems that dad was a little tight on cash that day so he figured out just exactly how much gas it would take to get to the other side of Lake Michigan and that was all he bought. In order to get back to Michigan he figured we’d each have to get some sort of part time jobs on the other side of the lake to buy gas. Of course that was a mute point now since we were out of gas and were most likely either going to starve to death or be eaten by Lake Michigan tiger sharks. Of course dad finally figured out that his mistake was that he did not take Gerrard’s weight into consideration when he bought gas so that was why we did not even make it half way across Lake Michigan.
After about a half hour of contemplating who would be eaten for dinner my brother Mike spotted an island off the aft port starboard bow that we were drifting toward. About an hour later our boat hit a rock and sank just about fifty feet from shore. We all managed to climb off the boat and wade to shore. No one saved anything from the boat except dad managed to a bottle of rum and as soon as he got to shore he walked off the beach to the nearest tree, sat down and began to swig down the rum without offering any to anybody else. Within twenty minutes he had consumed the entire bottle and passed out with his face buried flat in the sand.
Upon seeing dad with his face in the sand my brother Mike said,” Maybe someone ought to do something with dad. He might suffocate like that.”
To which I replied,” I don’t care. Just let it be known that any of you that get yourself killed is going to be on my supper menu tonight. There might be nuts, bird eggs and, shellfish on this island but I need protein everyday to sustain myself. I will even eat my own kin just so I can stay alive. “
I took my two bothers to the side and said that “I have a real problem with Gerrard running around the island with just his underwear on. For one thing, why is he doing this?”
My brother Ted said that at home Gerrard’s mother didn’t allow him to run around with just his underwear on so he was trying to express his freedom while on a deserted island where his mom could not see him. My other brother Mike said that Gerrard told him that he had stripped off all his cloths because he figured there would be hula girls somewhere on the island and he wanted to impress them with his massive physique.
I also told my brothers that maybe being lost at sea was a good thing. I said that I was going to set up a camp on the other side of the island for guys who want to hunt and stuff and have a good time. My older brother Ted agreed with me but, my stupid younger Brother Mike decided that he and Miss Piggy (My new nick name for Gerrard), would stay on the side of the island where the old man was passed out in case he needed help. Mike also said he and Miss Piggy would keep a fire going so someone might rescue us. I told him that we were at least twelve miles off shore and no one would ever rescue us.
Ted and I hunted all over our side of the island but, the only creatures we found were bugs. Finally, I stumbled across a whole patch of mushrooms. At last we hunters would be able to provide a feast for everyone on the island. Those would show everyone how superior hunters are to guys that just sit around trying to get rescued.
The one problem Ted and I had was that neither of us had any way to start a fire. I knew that if only one of us had a pair of glasses then we could refract sunlight onto some dry grass and start a fire. The problem with that idea was that I’ve never had to wear glasses and Ted had laser surgery on his eye balls back when he worked at Wall Mart and had some insurance. I soon realized that the only way that we could get some fire to cook our mushrooms on was to steal the fire from the other camp.
I take great joy in being sneaky so, I sneaked over to the other camp and took a stick that had hot coals on the end of it. I was right in plain sight of my brother Mike but, he did not put up any kind of fight. He just said to Gerrard “I guess my brothers need some fire. You’d think they’d just ask for a lighter or some matches.”
Once the mushrooms were cooked Ted and I each tried a few. Suddenly, we no longer felt any anxiety about being lost off the Lake Michigan Coast or anything else for that matter. I’m not sure what Ted did after we consumed some mushrooms but I wandered out to the beach and saw several dozen gorgeous pastel colored mermaids just lying around relaxing. They were lying around just like they were waiting for me.
After several hours of having kissy-face with the mermaids I suddenly laying in the sand and staring up at a guy in some sort of uniform. He said “What in the world is going on here?” I had stinky seaweed all over my face and a hoard of flies were moving in and out of my nostrils, ears and, mouth.
Well the guy was from the Coast Guard and they rescued all of us and took us back to Michigan. We never did get to the other side of the lake to find out what state was over there but, after lots of research on the internet it seems that the state on the other side of Lake Michigan from Michigan is Ecuador. Who would have thanked it?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
THERE WERE THREE WOLVES
By Tim Colin
Three stray wolves have been menacing the people of Northern Michigan lately. In particular, they have been hunting down and eating severely overweight snowboarders. Local Department of Natural Resources officials believe that the reason the wolves eat severely overweight snowboarders is that thin snow boarders race downhill too fast for the wolves to grab them but, severely overweight individuals jump on their snowboards and just sink into the snow. Thus, they become the perfect treat for wolves that have been starving in Cedar Swamps most of the winter.
Investigations by area officials have determined that overweight snowboarders who are full of hot cocoa are the main victims. One official speaking with anonymity said that the wolves seem to crave the taste of hot cocoa. “Overweight individuals full of hot cocoa are just like giant thermoses to the wolves. The layers of fat evidently keep the cocoa warm and steamy. There is nothing better than hot steamy cocoa on a cold snowy day.”
A zoologist from Sea World has disagreed with the cocoa concept. She believes that the wolves are actually attracted to the taste of marshmallows. Since severely overweight people put lots of marshmallows in their cocoa then, it does stand to reason that the wolves would pick them out for eating due to their sweet marshmallow goodness.
To be on the safe side the Department of Natural Resources has banned all overweight snowboarders who drink hot cocoa loaded with marshmallows from going out on the ski slopes of Northern Michigan. This ban will remain in effect until the wolves are captured and transported to an island in Lake Michigan where marshmallows grow naturally.
THE YETI IN THE OUTHOUSE
Three stray wolves have been menacing the people of Northern Michigan lately. In particular, they have been hunting down and eating severely overweight snowboarders. Local Department of Natural Resources officials believe that the reason the wolves eat severely overweight snowboarders is that thin snow boarders race downhill too fast for the wolves to grab them but, severely overweight individuals jump on their snowboards and just sink into the snow. Thus, they become the perfect treat for wolves that have been starving in Cedar Swamps most of the winter.
Investigations by area officials have determined that overweight snowboarders who are full of hot cocoa are the main victims. One official speaking with anonymity said that the wolves seem to crave the taste of hot cocoa. “Overweight individuals full of hot cocoa are just like giant thermoses to the wolves. The layers of fat evidently keep the cocoa warm and steamy. There is nothing better than hot steamy cocoa on a cold snowy day.”
A zoologist from Sea World has disagreed with the cocoa concept. She believes that the wolves are actually attracted to the taste of marshmallows. Since severely overweight people put lots of marshmallows in their cocoa then, it does stand to reason that the wolves would pick them out for eating due to their sweet marshmallow goodness.
To be on the safe side the Department of Natural Resources has banned all overweight snowboarders who drink hot cocoa loaded with marshmallows from going out on the ski slopes of Northern Michigan. This ban will remain in effect until the wolves are captured and transported to an island in Lake Michigan where marshmallows grow naturally.
THE YETI IN THE OUTHOUSE
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