By Mike Colin
You have to be really careful with guns. I once shot my toes off when I was a kid but they grew back. For most people their toes don’t grow back but I guess I’m some sort of mutant because my dad used to feed us kids fish he caught at a nuclear generator cooling pond. I was born with webbed toes, webbed feet and a functioning set of gills. I’d be a regular fish-man excerpt I can only dive down two feet and then my ears start to pop.
Well, enough with my personal stuff. What I’m really trying to tell people is that gun safety is important. For one thing you should never walk around with a loaded gun and the safety off. Of course many backwoods people defunctionalize the safety on their gun because in the backwoods they think that safety is for sissies. But, the problem is that most people will not grow back a second set of toes if they happen to blow the first set off with a shotgun. Not only that but take it from a guy who did loose his first set of toes: it really hurts. Besides that mutants don’t have toes that grow back instantly like in the movies. It took nearly ten minutes before my second set of toes were completely back and functional.
Now, walking around with a gun that isn’t loaded still makes you look cool to the ladies. I know most of my friends can easily find a date just by driving around the county with a gun rack in their pick-up, with a variety to weapons of course and, a couple of half drank 40 oz beers on the top of the dash board. Chicks just love 40 ouncers. The size of a man’s beer bottle is very important to the kind of women you find in the backwoods. The half drank beer bottles also signal to the ladies that the man is safe to date. Because the bottles are half drank it means that this man has been dating women and that he has been giving them his 40 ouncers. If the guy had full 40 ouncers it would signal to a woman that he had never had a date before and that he was some sort of city slicker weirdo out in the county for heinous purposes.
I just hope that by reading this article you’ve learned a lot about gun safety. Let me end by telling you a little story about my aunt May. Now aunt May was blind as a beaver pup. She could not see anything and she also had a bad limp so, she always walked around using a double barrel shotgun as a cane. Well, one day when her cousin Big Hairy Larry came up behind her she turned around, thought she saw a big foot monster, and blew his head off. Of course she went to prison. The jury didn’t believe her story that she was just trying to protect herself from Bigfoot. Instead, they believed the prosecutor who said that May killed her husband because she had found out he was having a fling with her sister.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
FOLLOW UP TO THE LONG LAKE CRASH LANDING OF AN UFO
PART I
By Tim Colin
This is a follow-up investigation to the one we had last year regarding the reported crash landing of a spaceship in the Grand Traverse County body of water known as Long Lake. During our investigation last year we found strange footprints along the shore and a partially eaten fish. The footprints led us to a wooded area where we glimpsed some sort of creature which then disappeared into the brush. We noticed that the creature was too short to be a big foot or a yeti however, it was way too hairy to be a human, unless of course it was someone visiting this area from the Upper Peninsula.
We did go out on the lake itself to try to locate the spaceship however, it got dark and the lake is like over 60 feet deep. Our snorkeling equipment only allowed us to search the lake to a depth of two feet. Because my father feed the family fish he caught at a water containment pond at a nuclear plant, my brother Mike was born with a set of working gills. However, he can’t dive down more than two feet in the water because his ears always start to pop. So, we were unable to find the crashed alien spaceship on our first excursion out on Long Lake.
Even though our first attempt at finding the alien spaceship was unsuccessful, we were determined to return and continue looking. The largest problem to returning to the water has been that we no longer have access to any type of boat. During our various investigations on lakes throughout Michigan for alien life forms, we have had numerous accidents and seizures of equipment by state and local officials. Now no one will loan or rent to us any form of water transport. We can’t buy a boat because no one will insure us at this time. I do believe that after five years our water safety and hazard violations will be set aside. Our lawyer told us he would get back to us. That was eight months ago.
Now that Long Lake is frozen over it is the ideal time to continue our investigation. We no longer needed any form of water transport other than for the equipment and portable ice shanty. To get our stuff out onto the lake I borrowed a toboggan and hitched my colleague Gerrrard up to it. Gerrard is quite big so I did not notice him having any difficulty hauling the toboggan through the deep snow and about ½ mile out onto the lake.
I am confident that Gerrard will be helpful during this investigation. However, I’m not sure if my brother Mike will be much help. My brother Mike thinks that he is becoming a vampire. He believes that his ex-girlfriend was a vampire who sprouted wings and flew off to Cancun Mexico with a bunch of other vampires. I think Mike is becoming mentally imbalanced. I’m not sure what the family is going to do with him. I guess if he gets much worse we’ll have to send him off to the e Upper Peninsula. That’s where all the crazy people in my family live. The U.P. brings out the most in a person especially, hair. Once in the U.P. for a couple of months, humans find that they start to grow hair in the most unnatural places like, between the fingers, under the toe nails and, even the eyeballs have to be tweaked once a week.
It’s now about two o’clock in the afternoon. Our plan is to make three small wholes in the ice to try to locate the aliens. We will place the holes about 20 feet apart. I sit next to one hole and I will be covered with our portable ice shanty. The other two holes will be manned by Gerrard and my brother Mike. I volunteered to man the hole that was covered with the ice shanty. The shanty is just made out of some sort of nylon and it really makes a terrible sound when the cold wind comes across the lake. It is much better to be outside in the wind than to have to put up with the sound of wind hitting against the sides of the nylon walls. Mike and Gerrard both volunteered to sit in the ice shanty but, I insisted that because I was the leader of our expedition that I should be the one to suffer inside the shanty while they enjoyed the outdoors.
Mike and Gerrard are just about done cutting holes in the ice for themselves. They only need to cut one for me and then slip the ice shanty over it and we’ll be ready to do some real research. I feel really confident that we will soon either find the crashed space craft or we will locate one of its inhabitants. Time will tell. For now I am going to turn off my digital recorder cell phone. I need to conserve my battery.
By Tim Colin
This is a follow-up investigation to the one we had last year regarding the reported crash landing of a spaceship in the Grand Traverse County body of water known as Long Lake. During our investigation last year we found strange footprints along the shore and a partially eaten fish. The footprints led us to a wooded area where we glimpsed some sort of creature which then disappeared into the brush. We noticed that the creature was too short to be a big foot or a yeti however, it was way too hairy to be a human, unless of course it was someone visiting this area from the Upper Peninsula.
We did go out on the lake itself to try to locate the spaceship however, it got dark and the lake is like over 60 feet deep. Our snorkeling equipment only allowed us to search the lake to a depth of two feet. Because my father feed the family fish he caught at a water containment pond at a nuclear plant, my brother Mike was born with a set of working gills. However, he can’t dive down more than two feet in the water because his ears always start to pop. So, we were unable to find the crashed alien spaceship on our first excursion out on Long Lake.
Even though our first attempt at finding the alien spaceship was unsuccessful, we were determined to return and continue looking. The largest problem to returning to the water has been that we no longer have access to any type of boat. During our various investigations on lakes throughout Michigan for alien life forms, we have had numerous accidents and seizures of equipment by state and local officials. Now no one will loan or rent to us any form of water transport. We can’t buy a boat because no one will insure us at this time. I do believe that after five years our water safety and hazard violations will be set aside. Our lawyer told us he would get back to us. That was eight months ago.
Now that Long Lake is frozen over it is the ideal time to continue our investigation. We no longer needed any form of water transport other than for the equipment and portable ice shanty. To get our stuff out onto the lake I borrowed a toboggan and hitched my colleague Gerrrard up to it. Gerrard is quite big so I did not notice him having any difficulty hauling the toboggan through the deep snow and about ½ mile out onto the lake.
I am confident that Gerrard will be helpful during this investigation. However, I’m not sure if my brother Mike will be much help. My brother Mike thinks that he is becoming a vampire. He believes that his ex-girlfriend was a vampire who sprouted wings and flew off to Cancun Mexico with a bunch of other vampires. I think Mike is becoming mentally imbalanced. I’m not sure what the family is going to do with him. I guess if he gets much worse we’ll have to send him off to the e Upper Peninsula. That’s where all the crazy people in my family live. The U.P. brings out the most in a person especially, hair. Once in the U.P. for a couple of months, humans find that they start to grow hair in the most unnatural places like, between the fingers, under the toe nails and, even the eyeballs have to be tweaked once a week.
It’s now about two o’clock in the afternoon. Our plan is to make three small wholes in the ice to try to locate the aliens. We will place the holes about 20 feet apart. I sit next to one hole and I will be covered with our portable ice shanty. The other two holes will be manned by Gerrard and my brother Mike. I volunteered to man the hole that was covered with the ice shanty. The shanty is just made out of some sort of nylon and it really makes a terrible sound when the cold wind comes across the lake. It is much better to be outside in the wind than to have to put up with the sound of wind hitting against the sides of the nylon walls. Mike and Gerrard both volunteered to sit in the ice shanty but, I insisted that because I was the leader of our expedition that I should be the one to suffer inside the shanty while they enjoyed the outdoors.
Mike and Gerrard are just about done cutting holes in the ice for themselves. They only need to cut one for me and then slip the ice shanty over it and we’ll be ready to do some real research. I feel really confident that we will soon either find the crashed space craft or we will locate one of its inhabitants. Time will tell. For now I am going to turn off my digital recorder cell phone. I need to conserve my battery.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
A STONE AGE TOY AND TOOL COMPANY
By Tim Colin
Editor
Last week I went to a manufacturing company that is really rocking in these tough economic times. The name of the company is the Rock Crackers Toy and Tool Company. The company is located in the little town of Rock Crackers. Rock Crackers is located right on top of a hill which is almost completely made up of flint rock.
I met with Mr. Rock Crackers who is the president of the company and learned a lot about rock cracking and how important rocks will be to our new green economy. Mr. Crackers told me that Flint is the stone that has been used by humans for millions of years to make tools, toys and various types of ornaments and even as a building material. The first spaceships sent into low Earth orbit were actually carved out of various forms of stones including flint. A large flint rock was actually used to ignite the gun powder that propelled the first spaceships upward into outer space. Of course today our space program uses a chemical rocket propulsion system consisting of a mixture of baking soda and apple cider vinegar.
Mr. Crackers went on to say that “…demand for our tools has never been greater since Americans can no longer afford fancy tools and toys made overseas. Iron, aluminum, copper, zinc and every other rare earth element are being sent overseas where the economies are booming. Shoot, even our sewage is being sent overseas to make fertilizer. In America we have almost nothing left to use but, we have lots of rocks. Flint has always been one of the best rocks to make stuff out of so that’s why I built my factory here.”
After his brief combination tirade and advertisement, Mr. Crackers took on a tour of his plant. Although the Rock Crackers plant makes primitive tools it is nearly fully automated with all types of rock cracking machines made out of rocks. It seems in order to crack a rock you just need to hit it with a sharper and/ or heavier rock. This is known as the Negative Law of Thermo Dynamics, “Stuff gets smaller if you hit it long enough”. I guess that’s why my younger brother is such a little wimp. Of course he always told mom and dad that his older brother’s were picking on him by cuffing and slapping him but, they just told us to “stop it“. Who listens to their parents when they say the words “stop it”?
The kind of stuff being manufactured in the factory were tools likes hoes, rakes, shovels, wheelbarrows hammers, screw drivers and snow blowers. These were all the types of tools our ancestors must have manufactured for millions of years or until they invented wood. After they used wood tools for a few thousand years then humans started to use metal.
Most of the scientists that I talk to believe that making metal was not discovered by humans but was taught to humans by space aliens. Of course the last time space aliens were here they taught humans how to make plastic bags. Space aliens needed plastic bags to freeze fresh humans for long space flights. That way the humans would still be good to munch on back on the alien home world. Evidently, according to my sources of information, space aliens tried canning humans to take home but, it was tough to find enough mason jars and even if the aliens had enough jars it was really hard to find enough lids that fit. The aliens used mostly old mayonnaise jars and the lids are really wide and hard to come by. Plastic bags were just a lot more convenient and the main ingredient was oil and that is really plentiful here on earth. So, that is why space aliens taught humans how to make plastic.
Now the types of toys manufactured at Rock Crackers are baby rattles, baseballs, tetherballs, footballs, softballs and any other type of ball you can kick, hit or, bat. Rock Crackers is currently working to develop a line of water toys but so far none of their ideas have floated with tests groups. The water board Rock Crackers developed turned out to be a better anchor than a device to skim behind a watercraft. A line of water safety items has also not done well in tests. The life preserver tests are ongoing since it has been over a year and none of the test subjects have surfaced with any data.
The entire Rock Cracker plant is powered by elephant dung. Mr. Crackers told me that the elephants were actually ones he rounded up out in Montana. It seems that when the Spanish came to America they brought over horses that got away from them and went wild and, the Spanish also brought over elephants and many of them also escaped and therefore, not only are there wild horses but, there are herds of wild elephants roaming freely all over the Western United States.
Of course feeding the elephants would normally be a problem but, The Rock Cracker engineers thought of pretty much everything. You see there is a large forest full of oak trees nearby and oak trees produce acorns. The Rock Cracker people have trained an enormous army of squirrels to bring acorns one at a time to each of the several hundred elephants that make up the Dung Energy Complex PLC which is located next to the Rock Cracker manufacturing facility. Acorns really give the elephants some monstrous releases of gas. I suppose it is a bad idea to eat raw acorns before going out on a date or going on a long trip in a car with people you like. However, eating raw acorns and going on a long trip with family members might be kind of funny.
Overall, I learned a lot about human history and the latest techniques used by American manufactures who are anxious to be competitive in this new world economy. Cracking rocks, gathering nuts and, making dung flavored gasses are things we Americans do better than anyone else in the world.
Editor
Last week I went to a manufacturing company that is really rocking in these tough economic times. The name of the company is the Rock Crackers Toy and Tool Company. The company is located in the little town of Rock Crackers. Rock Crackers is located right on top of a hill which is almost completely made up of flint rock.
I met with Mr. Rock Crackers who is the president of the company and learned a lot about rock cracking and how important rocks will be to our new green economy. Mr. Crackers told me that Flint is the stone that has been used by humans for millions of years to make tools, toys and various types of ornaments and even as a building material. The first spaceships sent into low Earth orbit were actually carved out of various forms of stones including flint. A large flint rock was actually used to ignite the gun powder that propelled the first spaceships upward into outer space. Of course today our space program uses a chemical rocket propulsion system consisting of a mixture of baking soda and apple cider vinegar.
Mr. Crackers went on to say that “…demand for our tools has never been greater since Americans can no longer afford fancy tools and toys made overseas. Iron, aluminum, copper, zinc and every other rare earth element are being sent overseas where the economies are booming. Shoot, even our sewage is being sent overseas to make fertilizer. In America we have almost nothing left to use but, we have lots of rocks. Flint has always been one of the best rocks to make stuff out of so that’s why I built my factory here.”
After his brief combination tirade and advertisement, Mr. Crackers took on a tour of his plant. Although the Rock Crackers plant makes primitive tools it is nearly fully automated with all types of rock cracking machines made out of rocks. It seems in order to crack a rock you just need to hit it with a sharper and/ or heavier rock. This is known as the Negative Law of Thermo Dynamics, “Stuff gets smaller if you hit it long enough”. I guess that’s why my younger brother is such a little wimp. Of course he always told mom and dad that his older brother’s were picking on him by cuffing and slapping him but, they just told us to “stop it“. Who listens to their parents when they say the words “stop it”?
The kind of stuff being manufactured in the factory were tools likes hoes, rakes, shovels, wheelbarrows hammers, screw drivers and snow blowers. These were all the types of tools our ancestors must have manufactured for millions of years or until they invented wood. After they used wood tools for a few thousand years then humans started to use metal.
Most of the scientists that I talk to believe that making metal was not discovered by humans but was taught to humans by space aliens. Of course the last time space aliens were here they taught humans how to make plastic bags. Space aliens needed plastic bags to freeze fresh humans for long space flights. That way the humans would still be good to munch on back on the alien home world. Evidently, according to my sources of information, space aliens tried canning humans to take home but, it was tough to find enough mason jars and even if the aliens had enough jars it was really hard to find enough lids that fit. The aliens used mostly old mayonnaise jars and the lids are really wide and hard to come by. Plastic bags were just a lot more convenient and the main ingredient was oil and that is really plentiful here on earth. So, that is why space aliens taught humans how to make plastic.
Now the types of toys manufactured at Rock Crackers are baby rattles, baseballs, tetherballs, footballs, softballs and any other type of ball you can kick, hit or, bat. Rock Crackers is currently working to develop a line of water toys but so far none of their ideas have floated with tests groups. The water board Rock Crackers developed turned out to be a better anchor than a device to skim behind a watercraft. A line of water safety items has also not done well in tests. The life preserver tests are ongoing since it has been over a year and none of the test subjects have surfaced with any data.
The entire Rock Cracker plant is powered by elephant dung. Mr. Crackers told me that the elephants were actually ones he rounded up out in Montana. It seems that when the Spanish came to America they brought over horses that got away from them and went wild and, the Spanish also brought over elephants and many of them also escaped and therefore, not only are there wild horses but, there are herds of wild elephants roaming freely all over the Western United States.
Of course feeding the elephants would normally be a problem but, The Rock Cracker engineers thought of pretty much everything. You see there is a large forest full of oak trees nearby and oak trees produce acorns. The Rock Cracker people have trained an enormous army of squirrels to bring acorns one at a time to each of the several hundred elephants that make up the Dung Energy Complex PLC which is located next to the Rock Cracker manufacturing facility. Acorns really give the elephants some monstrous releases of gas. I suppose it is a bad idea to eat raw acorns before going out on a date or going on a long trip in a car with people you like. However, eating raw acorns and going on a long trip with family members might be kind of funny.
Overall, I learned a lot about human history and the latest techniques used by American manufactures who are anxious to be competitive in this new world economy. Cracking rocks, gathering nuts and, making dung flavored gasses are things we Americans do better than anyone else in the world.
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