BEWARE OF EATING TOO MANY FROGS

By Ted Colin
Last night I ate way too many frogs at my cousin Vern’s wedding reception.  I than had to do the pioneer shuffle all night long until the last froggy entrails were no longer engaged in percolating in my belly.  No one else seemed to have the same problem but, I suppose it is because while I was drinking foreign beer all night everyone else was drinking fresh whisky out of my grandpa’s still.  White pine liqueur tends to kill all the bacteria in your stomach before it causes partial liver and kidney failure.

I think that maybe the problem with the frogs is that my Aunt Cora can’t see too good anymore and she might have not cleaned the frogs too well.  Of course it could be that my uncle Fred who has a real problem understanding the passage of time, might just have undercooked the frogs.  In any case the frogs were certainly tainted.

Of course it could be that my cousin Jimmy some toads along with the frogs.  You see my cousin Jimmy is really lazy and he might just have taken a short cut on catching frogs to eat at the  wedding reception  by picking up a few toads.  Now toads give people warts on the outside but on the inside they give people a really great craving to partake of the little building with the crescent moon carved in the door for light.

AT any rate I’m just glad that the newspaper didn’t run out in the outhouse last night.  The next thing to use when the newspaper ran out was the leaves from the surrounding trees.  Unfortunately all the trees in the nearby woods are white pine trees and white pine needles are a long way from the softness of Charmin.    

HOW TO HUNT THE MIGHTY SNOWMAN

By Tim Colin

Hunting snowmen in Michigan is a highly regulated sport.  For one thing you can only hunt them after Christmas because desecrating a snowman is a felony during the holidays.  I guess it upsets little kids a lot just like cleaning a fish upsets a lot of people.  Well, to those non-fishermen and snowman hugging little monsters I say “Bah Humbug!”  Snowman hunting season should be extended year around in Michigan.
After all, many Northern Michiganders depend on snowman meat to sustain them through those cold winter months when bugs and worms are hard to dig up.

Anyways, snowman hunting starts on January 1st and ends on March 16th.    No one hunts on March 17th because we are all at the local pub crawl for St Patrick’s Day of course.

In the state of Michigan it is only legal to hunt snowmen with old fashioned lawn jarts.  Of course disabled persons can hunt snowmen with a crossbow if they   get the proper permit from the DNR (Department of Nationalized Resources).  Of course we all have to pay $700 for a permit to hunt snowmen.  At least we all have to pay that amount unless you have access to a Kodak copying machine.  They make the best copies you know.

With my license plastered on my back and three blue lawn jarts in my hands I started out into the nearest subdivision looking for a nice big snowman to bag this season.  It was not long before I came upon two of them.  They were just sitting there all still and such.   At first I thought that they saw me because they both froze and did not move an inch.   But after several minutes of observing them  just standing there stiff as a board  I figured they were in some sort of snowman trance like they were trying to communicate with some higher plain of existence or something.  I of course figured while they were busy contemplating their existence on a higher plain or something I would end their need to waste time existing on my plain by shoving a lawn jart through their heart.   I of course proceeded to do just that and the snow creatures became my future barbeques.

 Now some people say that snowmen are kind of a fatty meat to eat.  I myself find that after frying them up in olive oil and barbeque sauce that snowmen are kind of watery.   In fact unless I add some mushrooms the snowmen have to be drank like water and have no real flavor at all except for of course the barbeque sauce and the olive oil.

Most people wonder why in the world would you want to eat such a bland meat?  Of course according to the Michigan Surgeon General’s office Snowmen are very heart healthy with zero fats, zero cholesterol, zero carbs, zero sodium and of course zero calories.

According to the Michigan Surgeon General “Eating snowman meat is like drinking water.  The worst it can do to you is to cause you  to urinate more often than normal.





   

NORTHERN MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER WARNING IN SILLY PROSE

The Michigan Lizard monster scare,
Has frightened people everywhere,
But, he eats only pork,
If you're scared you're a dork,
If you see him, hug him I dare,
If he eats you I really don't care.

WARNING!!!! The above is just a silly poem. If you see the lizard monster in Northern Michigan please, do not approach him because he is dangerous. Hugging the lizard monster is a very stupid thing to do. If you come across the lizard monster stand perfectly still. If you have recently eaten any bacon or other pork products keep your mouth shut and try not to breath. The lizard monster might smell the pork on your breath and it might drive him to do unspeakable acts. Please be careful and vigilant for the lizard monster when you are hiking in the woods of Northern Michigan.
THANK YOU!!

This has been a public service announcement.