NORTHERN MICHIGAN INTERNATIONAL CRICKET CHAMPIONSHIP

By Ted Colin
Each year the Northern Michigan International Cricket Championship draws people from all over the world. We have people come from places as far away as Grawn, Fife Lake and, Mancelona. Many of the people who show up each year speak different languages and have very different customs. For instance, many people who attend these games can’t understand why we have pay toilets when the competition takes place in the woods. Personally, I really can’t understand the pay toilet deal myself. Especially, since the pay toilets only take $5.00 bills. I put in a $10.00 bill and I didn’t get any change back. I guess I won’t be buying any more pop from the concessions stands since it costs more for the pop going out than going in.

Well, although there are many differences between the teams and spectators at this year’s cricket event there is one overriding factor that brings everyone together: we all love watching those little critters duke it out in the ring. The main ring this year is an old hula hoop I found out behind one of the pay toilets. It looks like a car ran over it but, it is still holding together well enough to be used as the main ring. The other rings are just drawn in the sand.

Now before you can compete in a cricket match you have to find a cricket. The best way to find a cricket is to leave your front door wide open for a couple of days. Sooner or later out of all of the bugs, animals or looters that comes into your house there is bound to be at least one cricket. Of course getting a cricket into your house is just the first step in catching one.

In order to catch a cricket you have to stay up real late and get really, really tired. Then, when you turn off the lights and try to go to bed the cricket will start chirping so loud that you will rise up like a zombie from the dead but, instead of yearning to eat brains like a zombie the only thing you will yearn to do is get a hold of that cricket. Of course the cricket creature itself has the ability of a ventriloquist in that it can throw its voice to any place in the entire house. It is almost like the cricket just sits and watches you as you look all around under furniture and in closets, in the cloths hamper and behind the washer and dryer. Sometimes you just want to yank out the gas stove even though it has a gas line hooked to it. You are so tired and desperate for sleep you just don’t care anymore. After a while you can almost hear him laughing when he sees you about to find his hiding spot and then the cricket suddenly stops chirping. Then, you just stand there waiting for the creature to start chirping again hoping beyond all hope that you can find the little monster and get him to stop his hideous sounds so you can finally get some sleep. Of course he doesn’t start up again until you’ve turned off the lights and climbed back into bed.

Eventually, the cricket will make a mistake and you will catch him mulling around in the shower or just outside of the refrigerator. Now although the temptation to get revenge upon the cricket for keeping you up all night is strong, it is important that you keep a cool head about you and try to capture the little beast without harming it. After all, a squished bug is not going to win the cricket boxing tournament for you. And, if you accidentally rip off its forearms then he will be disqualified because the bug will no longer be able to wear the tiny boxing gloves that are mandatory in the sport of competitive cricket.

Once you have your cricket you have to put him through a vigorous training program which includes getting your bug to bulk up. Lots of sugar water is a good start to any weight gaining strategy whether it is for humans or bugs. Most people train their crickets to box by at first placing a tiny little mirror in front of the bug in order to get his competitive juices flowing. Then, placing live crickets with your potential champion in a confined area like a shoe box will be all you need to do to hone those talents that are the stuff that all champion bugs have pent up deep within their souls. Of course several hours of meditation should be a part of your potential champions training regiment. That way by the time of the big match-up your bug will be in complete harmony with the universe and he will have gained inner peace. At that moment your cricket will be able to rip the exoskeleton off his competition and eat those blue-green cricket guts all the way up to the eyeballs.

This years champion was named “Killer Bug”. Now Killer B. was not the actual last bug left with its insides in tacked. The last bug left was Spider Snyder but Spider S. was disqualified when the officials realized that he really was a spider and therefore was not really eligible to compete against crickets. The rules might have been bent a little if Spider Snyder happened to be a grasshopper or even a fly but, spiders are not even insects; they are arachnids. The officials just decided that an arachnid fighting an insect just was not a fair fight so Killer B. won this years championship posthumously since Spider Snyder had already devoured all of Killer B’s soft tissues. Hopefully next year the officials will be more on the ball and disqualify non-species entries before they are allowed to compete in the cricket matches.

PAY TOILETS IN THE WOODS

By Tim Colin
As you wander along the forest trails of Northern Michigan, I’m sure you have probably been noticing the orange and purple pay chemical restrooms. These pay toilets are being placed everywhere in Michigan’s woodlands. The bright colors make them easy to spot from literally miles away. Virtually every scenic vista you look out upon will have an orange and purple public pay toilet so easily seen that your eyes will be drawn right to it. Because these pay toilets are so numerous, you don’t have to look far to find one. The price is much higher to get into one further out in the forest so, make sure you take along plenty of dollar bills and include some five dollar bills if you intend to go into the deep backwoods. Our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

So, no longer will people be forced to hold back their natural urges in the forest and, for those less modest, they will no longer have to find a large bush or tree. Hikers in the woods will no longer have to be on the look out for hiker scat. A miss-step along any trail can result in scat tainted athletic shoes that may easily end with the ruin of a pair of expensive athletic sneakers.

Now having these public toilets so readily available to visitors is not only a matter of public privacy and decency but, it is also a matter of public safety. People who relieve themselves in the forest don’t realize it but, what they are doing is putting in a challenge to large predatory animals like cougars, bison, and tree toads. Many people disappear into the bellies of tree toads each year and many of the people I talk to believe it is because of joggers challenging the natural territorial boundaries of the adult, bull toad. People who use our facilities don’t need to worry about animals getting all crazed up because they smell a challenger for their territory. The chemicals in the toilets completely overpower all other smells for miles around. Many people can’t smell anything for days after a trip into one of these chemical safe houses. As an added bonus, people who have dry eyes can expect a surge in natural tear production after just one visit to our new toilet facilities.

Another safety issue is the one regarding poisonous plants which many people inadvertently use when they clean themselves in the woods. In addition to the poisonous plants, you also have to worry about rattlesnakes and venomous spiders whenever you let your guard down for even a moment in Michigan. I will not even talk about bumble bees and the damage they can do.

The cleanliness of our facilities will one day be ranked on a scale of one to five. We don’t have running water in our toilets however; we do have reusable sanitary hand wipes. To keep costs down and to protect the environment, we only issue one hand wipe per toilet per season. We also provide several sheets of toilet paper per facility per season.

Overall, we hope that you will find the use of our outdoor chemical toilets fun and worth using over and over again. I have to disclose that I do have an investment in these facilities therefore, I could get some money from their use however, I am really just glad that I can help to place these environmentally friendly yet, easily seen toilets all over Michigan. Just to remind you once again, please take plenty of one dollar and five dollar bills along with you because our facilities DO NOT MAKE CHANGE!!!

This has been an advertisement for the Load-off Chemical Toilet Company and in no way reflects the views of the owners of this blog. It does reflect poorly on the staff writer/editor who wrote it.

BIG FOOT EGG FOUND IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
Associate Editor, Humor News Nuts Blog
Today I went out into the backwoods of Northern Michigan to meet with the man who has just proclaimed that he has found the first intact Bigfoot egg. The man is Dr. Sumwatt Lyon. He is director of Big Foot Studies at the Accelerated Education Diploma College. AEDC is famous for giving out advanced degrees in science and technology. AEDC guarantees that you will have whatever degree you desire by the time your personal check has cleared the bank. Dr. Sumwatt Lyon has several degrees himself from the prestigious Accelerated Education Diploma College.

I caught up with Dr. Lyon inside an old cave which was located deep in the heart of a cedar swamp. It was a tight fit crawling through the opening to the cave and it was a tight fit inside the cave as well. The cave was no more than 6-8 feet across and only about 4 feet tall the cave smelled just like my grandparents crawl space did every spring when the septic tank backed up underneath the house because the rain had raised the water table up so much.

“Mr. Colin I am so glad you could make it on this historical moment. As Dr. Lyon grabbed my hand and shook it firmly I noticed that there was plenty of light inside the cave since Dr. Lyon had seven or eight crank light lamps scattered about the cave.

Dr. Lyon finally let loose of my hand and with a wave of his hand he directed me to look at what he called his “baby”. It was a large blue ball shaped item that sat just behind the good doctor. “This is the real deal,” Dr. Lyon exclaimed. “This is the first ever captured unhatched egg of the Northern Michigan Big Foot. This egg was obviously laid by a male Bigfoot since female Bigfoot’s, like most other female mammals, lay only pink eggs. Most male mammals lay only blue colored eggs.”

Something was bothering me about this whole notion that males laid blue eggs and females laid pink eggs I asked Dr. Lyon “what lays white and speckled white eggs?”

Dr. Lyon responded by saying in regards to white and speckled white eggs the animal kingdom had a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. Dr. Lyon continued by saying “since you are probably less than six degrees from being a lemur then, you should just mind your own damn business.

I really began becoming troubled with Dr. Lyons theories when I noticed that on the back of the egg there was a imbedded white nipple that looked like a pushed in tube t o blow air into the object in order to inflate the skull ball. The little white. “Dr. Lyon,” I said,” your blue egg looks a lot like a blue rubber ball and there appears to be nipple on the back of the ball where you could inflate said ball at will. What is going on here?”

Dr. Lyon smirked a bit as though he were saying that I was not understanding things the way they obviously were. “My friend,” he began,” you see that imbedded nipple is actually just the belly button of the creature.”

After Dr. Lyon answered all my questions with such expertise, I had no option but to believe his theories and stories regarding the big-foot monster. The blue rubbery egg Dr. Lyon produced to this crew appeared to be the actual egg of a big foot male monster. In our opinion, thus far our researchers have found nothing on the internet to refute or debunk these claims.