ROAD KILL RESTAURANT

By Tim Colin
I just got back from the best road kill restaurant I have ever gone too. The place is modestly called “The Tire Stake Café”. They serve the widest variety of animal stakes in the country. They even have stakes that come from Michigan endangered species like: the golden gopher, the lilac smelling skunk, the two headed square faced deer, the saber toothed tiger and even the speckled, plump rump Yeti. This food is yummy for your tummy.

Chef Hebert Hubert told me that the reason the road kill at his restaurant was so delicious was that he used only the juices of the animal itself to flavor the food. He told me that it was a little more work to suck up the juices off the payment but, the result was always well worth it. Chef Hubert also told me that none of his meat ever needed to be tenderized. He said the weight of vehicles running over the meat for a few days, along with the constant pecking at the carcass by crows and seagulls, made the meat so tender that it would melt in your mouth.

Chef Hebert was so right about the meat melting in your mouth. In fact, the meat is so tender you have to eat it with a spoon. The meat will just drip through the tongs on a fork. I noticed that there were many very elderly patrons in the café who were using straws to suck up their meals.

With such a fine cuisine you would think that this café was a really price place to eat. Actually, the restaurant is one of the cheapest places I have ever dined. The special is an all you can eat meat buffet for only $1.99. Is that not a spectacular price? They even take competitors coupons so you can really eat cheap. I asked Chef Hebert why his prices were so competitive and he told me that because his meat was so tender, he saved a fortune on knives. He said that he liked to pass his savings on to the customers.

Overall, “The Tire Stake Café” is a great place to eat. The food is priced for the common man but tastes like it was prepared for kings. There is also a certain quaint ambiance about the café. For aesthetic purposes, there are no electric lights or indoor toilets in the Café. With no doors or glass in the windows you really don’t need any lights. Furthermore, there is an authentic outhouse that sits in front of the building but, you must make sure you ask for a roll of toilet paper before you go out to use it. They won’t actually give you toilet paper but instead, they will give you a handful of leaves. It really is an authentic backwoods restaurant. After my experience with “The Tire Stake Café” all I can say is that I am definitely going back for seconds.

A NORTHERN MICHIGAN FESTIVAL WITH FUNGUS AND A PETTING ZOO

THE NORTHERN MICHIGAN FUNGUS FESTIVAL
By Tim Collin
Editor In Chief,
Humor News Nuts Publications

This year marks the 300th anniversary of the annual Fungus Festival in the little northern village of Foot Michigan. The festival is very important to this little town since it is the only source of revenue to sustain 14 residents, two ducks and a black bear named Sandy. The festival is extremely important for Sandy since she is in charge of the towns sanitation department. Sandy really cleans up after the festival and gains an average of 200 lbs. Without having to forage for food anymore for the year Sandy can slip right into hibernation even though the Fungus Festival ends May 1st. What an enviable position; only having to work one week each year and then being able to lie around in your cave the other fifty one weeks.

Now the two ducks are the featured attraction at the towns petting zoo. They are the only live animals there and are joined by a stuffed fox, a Marten and a skunk. The little kids especially like to pet the skunk even though the display is getting kind of old and the glass eyes keep falling out. The town mayor has told me that Mr. Ziegler, who owns the farm at the end of 1st street, has agreed to donate his old dog Patches to the petting zoo when the animal passes on. The mayor seemed quite enthused about replacing the skunk with Patches since Patches was born with only three legs and no tail. Hence, the mayor said they could advertise a "Petting Zoo And Freak Show" on the billboard sign near the highway. The mayor hopes this will bring in some tourist business during the off-season when the Fungus Festival is over.

As for the Fungus Festival itself, it has been a bad year for fungus growth in the woods of Northern Michigan. In fact, there is still a foot of snow on the ground all around this quaint little village. To compensate for the lack of fungus growing in the forest, the town fathers cleaned out the township treasury and hitchhiked to and from the nearest supermarket which was located some 50 miles away. At the supermarket the town fathers bought up all the packages of fresh mushrooms that were available. Unfortunately, all the whole mushrooms were sold out and the only ones available were sliced. The mushrooms were white in color so they are very hard to see once sprinkled around in the snow.

Still, the tourists that have shown up so far were not too terribly troubled about the mushroom situation. Instead, they just showed up looking for a fun time and asking for directions on how to get to the Sou Locks. Hopefully, another vehicle will show up full of tourists who are equally as enthused about the Northern Michigan Foot Fungus Festival.

 

DON’T CHEW YOUR BANANNA WHEN MAKING WINE

By Tim Collin
Editor, Humor News Nuts Websites

Most people in Northern Michigan know how to make banana wine.  There are literally millions of internet sites dedicate to making banana wine.  However, most people in  Northern Michigan learn how to make banana wine when they are only twelve or thirteen years old (in other words, the first time they go to jail).  All you need is a cooked banana, just shy of a gallon of water, a cup of sugar and a package of yeast.   Just mix it all together in a milk jug and ten days later it is time to party.

 Regular Northern Michiganders call this “Happy Winter Wine”.  Banana wine is a winter wine because there is nothing that grows in Michigan in the winter and bananas are about the only fruit that wage earners in Northern Michigan can afford.

Now ten day old wine is good for the fact that it does make people happy but it does not make them crazy.   Only about one in four banana wine drinkers commits any type of felony while they are drinking.  That is almost the same as coffee drinkers in Northern Michigan.

With all that is said above it is still best to give out a warning to all potential banana wine creators.  This warning involves the banana itself that lies mostly on the tope of your banana wine milk jug.  In short, don’t eat your banana.  Eating your banana is very hazardous to your health

In the Journal of Mediocre At Best Medicine it has been reported that people who chew on and eat the banana  they  have in their banana wine, not only become uncontrollably intoxicated but, they suffer hallucinations not much different then eating magic mushrooms.

So, if you want to really experiment with the really bad stuff then go ahead, eat your banana and see what happens. But, at least be socially responsible.  Don‘t share your banana with anyone else..