MICHIGAN GROUNDHOG DAY (SEASON)

By Mike Colin
In Michigan Groundhog day is the day you go hunting for groundhogs. Basically, on Groundhog Day you just sit in front a groundhog cave. Most of these caves consist of the skirting under a house trailer. Groundhogs have lived under trailer houses for thousands of years.

Now, the best trailers to stake out for groundhogs are ones that have gardens in the yard during the summer. Groundhogs love to chow down on garden stuff. Groundhogs are also very lazy so they don’t like to have to travel too far to get to that garden stuff. This year I staked out a spot in front of a trailer park. I figured with all those trailers at least one of them would have a groundhog under it.

Of course spotting a groundhog does not help unless you can shoot it down with just one shot. Otherwise, the groundhog will scurry back under the nearest trailer and heal up again. It seems that groundhogs are able to instantly regenerate and heal themselves. The only way you can stop them is to shoot them in the head. If you shoot them in the head they’ll stay down. Of course if you miss the groundhog he may scurry away or on a few occasions they might attack you. It is said that anyone bitten by a groundhog will turn into one. It seems that is how they procreate since all groundhogs are males. I think that was on the National Geographic Channel.

Shooting the groundhog in the head requires some real thinking. You might use a rifle if you’re a good enough shot but, if you’re kind of a crappy shot like me then you might opt for a shotgun. A pump shotgun is of course best so that you have a chance to keep shooting in case the groundhog decides to attack and turn you into one of his kind. Being a groundhog must be the worst curse of all since they are all born male. No wonder they are so ornery.

Anyway, I did spot a groundhog and I shot twice at it before it ran back under the trailer it was living under. I shot a third time but unfortunately, I shot right through the trailer. The owner was Misty Merkel and luckily she was not home so she was only upset because I shot out the monitor on her computer. I thought I would just owe her a new monitor but she owned an old AT&T computer and I could not find a monitor to run with it so I had to buy her a whole new setup.

Well, in Michigan if you don’t shoot a groundhog on Groundhog Day then you can expect to have six more months of winter. Since the next winter in Michigan begins on September 1st then we are not going to have any spring, summer or, fall here. Well, I did my part and tried.

22020

TAGGING THE NORTH AMERICAN BIG FOOT

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor,
Humor News Nuts Publications
Although there is not much that you can legally hunt this time of year, it is good to be preparing yourself for hunting season. This year I intend on bagging me one of those big foot monsters that scare away the entire tourist from Northern Michigan. The problem with the typical big foot monster is that they are dark colored and very hard to see at night. Nighttime is the best time to hunt big foots because that is when most of the conservation officers are sleeping.

I have come up with a unique way of solving the coloring issue of the big foot monster. I intend on creeping up to the big foot monsters while they are feeding and paint a large fluorescent ‘X” on the sides of the creatures. In order to minimize the danger to myself, I have with me my younger brother Mike who is going to assist me by actually painting these large, powerful and, hungry beasts. While my brother paints the beast with an “X” I will be hiding in the bushes ready to dial 911 in case something bad happens to my brother. I am just glad that I had the foresight to realize that this was a job that would take two people.

The paint I was using was some I picked up at the county garage. They had a lot of it sitting around so I figured they wouldn’t mind if I borrowed a five gallon bucket. That just made one less can that they would have to deal with.

The bait I was using to lure the big foots in was a garbage sack full of Walleyes. My uncle Mike had gone fishing down south of a chemical plant in Midland. He scooped up a whole bunch of fish with his net. The fish couldn’t swim too well because of all the large tumors they had growing all over them. My uncle soon found out that he couldn’t clean the fish because the stuff oozing from the tumors was eating through the steel of his fish fillet knife.

After my brother poured out the fish on the ground we both hid in the bushes. It was only about ten minutes later when a large brown big foot showed up. It ate on the fish for a couple of minutes before my brother finally got up the guts to go out there to paint an “X” on the creature. My younger brother had a dripping paint bush in his hand as he slowly edged up to the big foot monster. “Hurry up,” I yelled at him, “We don’t have all day,”

Well my hollering must have got the bears attention since he immediately charged my brother and swiped him across his belly with his enormous claw. My brother fell to the ground like a sack of flour. He just laid there shaking and bleeding. AS for the bear, he just turned around and went back to eating the fish. I starting laughing and had an awful time stopping long enough to call 9-11. Just thinking abut my brother lying twitching like he was still brings a smile to my face. The only bad thing is that the big foot ate up all my bait and I didn’t even get him tagged with florescent paint.

My brother only ended up having the front of his shirt tore to shreds and a few scratches. After a hundred or so stitches my brother was ready to go home. It looks like this year I am just not going to have any advantage at all hunting big foots here in Northern Michigan.

1623

NORTHERN MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER BECOMES MORE DANGEROUS

By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

The lizard monster is getting bigger and feeding more. He has spread his siege of terror across Benzie, Grand Traverse and now Leelanau counties. Campers and residents alike have fallen victim to his voracious appetite for bacon. Unfortunately, this creature is growing not just in reputation but, he is getting much bigger than he was when the fist reports started coming in.

The once foot tall creature is now almost three feet tall. It seems he has gone from being a lizard boy to being a lizard tween (not quite a teenage lizard but, no longer just a boy). Lizardologists (scientist who study lizards) would call him a twizzard. The real problem now is that with the growth of his physical body, this absconder of pork products now has an even more voracious appetite.

The latest reported victims were a couple in their 60’s who recently retired from downstate to a quiet cottage just outside of Suttons Bay. Dr. and Mrs. Stein Franken were the last victims of the lizard creature’s appetite. This was an especially cruel attack since the good Dr. Franken and his wife had moved to Northern Michigan to get away from the stigma the couple felt for the involvement of Dr. Franken in the creation of the monster known as the Franken Moose. The Doctor and his wife were sure they could put the past behind them in their quiet woodland cottage far from the technologies that made the creation of the Franken-Moose monster possible. Oh, does fate have no pity?

The incident with the lizard creature occurred a few days ago. It was a hot summer evening and the Franken family had a few neighbors over for a pool party and a luau, complete with a traditional pig roast. Just as everyone was skinny dipping and splashing about in the pool, a smashing noise came from over near the roasting pig. Dr. and Mrs. Franken along with their neighbors climbed out of the pool and approached the roasting pig witch was on the other side of a hedge. As they round the hedge they saw a three foot tall lizard like creature with suction cups on the ends of its fingers and a suction cup for a mouth, holding up the entire pig carcass with one end in each hand and eating it from side to side like an ear of corn. The creature looked directly at the crowd but did not stop eating. Instead, he grimaced like he was annoyed at the people watching him eat, stuffed the carcass under one arm like a football and exited through the hole in the privacy fence that he had originally broken through. Then, he ran off into the woods behind the cottage.

None of the skinny dippers would go after the great lizard since behind the privacy fence were several large poison ivy plants. As soon as it got dark enough so no one could see them, the neighbors went home leaving the Frankens to suffer alone. . The party was ruined and all the participants will need many years of psychoanalysis to remove the trauma from their psyche.

The Frankens already lost a daughter over the Franken-Moose tragedy. She no longer has anything to do with her parents except over the summer and holiday breaks. She also calls them every week to get money since, she is now a junior at Central Michigan University. Beyond that, she never speaks to them.

How much longer can the people of Northwestern Michigan put up with these cruel attacks? We are suffering so much and yet, the federal government does nothing to protect our pork products from this lizard monster. Perhaps it will take the killing of other animals before the federal government decides to get involved. If this creature were killing off some endangered species of mosquito then, the feds would be all over this story.

Well, I digress. We just need some relief. If you can’t count on your pork being protected by your government then, what good is your government? Please, someone just help us stop this monster.

PP07112015

HUNTING SEASON FOR HARPIES IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Mike Colin
Well, as most of you know I love to hunt just about anything. Recently, the government in Michigan said it was alright to hunt Harpies, provided that you paid for the proper license, and had your dead harpies weighed and checked out for rabies by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources. In Michigan, harpies are the number one spreader of rabies to both humans and domestic pets. They also spread an even more dreaded disease known as cooties.

This year I staked out a nice place at a state park where there were lots of grills for down state people to roast their weenies on. Harpies love to eat whatever you have on hand but, harpies really love weenies especially the all beef kind. Harpies won’t go near weenies that have mechanically removed turkey parts in them. It seems even harpies have standards.

Well, as the campers gathered and started to cook their weenies the harpies of course showed up and sat in the trees for a while. In appearance the harpies have the head of an old lady and a thin lizard body with a long tail like a dragon and ears just like Mr. Spock on Star Trek. When the harpies swarmed down to steal the weenies I open fired with my crossbow. Bullets won’t even phase a harpie, but a cross bow will bring them down if you hit them directly in the heart. It took me a few tries but eventually I ended up with a couple of five foot long harpies that I was able to take to my parents to clean and serve that day, for a nice Sunday dinner.

Although the meat of the harpies is really tender the taste is very nasty like dead fish smothered in pig swill. Luckily, mom had some vinegar on the table, so overall, the harpies were edible. Although the harpies were not good tasting, perhaps I saved some weenies for some family on vacation to eat. I think I did good.

112223

THERE ARE NO BEARS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRY ANY ACTIVITIES FOUND ON THIS BLOG. WE ARE INVESTIGATIVE PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST. IF WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE ARE DOING THAN WHO DOES? TRYING TO DO ANYTHING THAT OUR STAFF DOES IS PURE FOOLISHNESS. IN SUMMARY, ONLY FOOLS DO WHAT WE DO.

For many years people have been told that there are bears in the woods in the Northern region of Michigan’s Lower Peninsula. In truth, I have never seen a bear in Michigan except at the zoo. I believe that the rumors of wild bears running around in Michigan are fostered by the Wisconsin tourist industry. They are trying to scare people out of traveling to our wonderful state. Well, I have decided to put an end to these vicious rumors once and for all. So, with my brothers Mike and Ted, we are going off to the deep woods to spend a couple nights camping and looking for evidence of bears in the area.

Day 1
No Bears
Well, we're camping out in Kalkaska County in a large cedar swamp. Bears in Florida like swamps so we figured that bears in Michigan, if they exist, will love this big smelly swamp we found on Google. This is state land but, it does not appear that anyone has ever camped here. The mosquitoes are really bad. Hopefully, when it gets dark the mosquitoes should go to sleep and not bother us until morning. All we have to do now is gather up some firewood and heat up a can of beans and roast our hot dogs. We probably shouldn't’t be eating the beans. We’re liable to have a midnight musical extravaganza. I just hope its country or rock music and not some disco crap like we had to listen to on our last camp out.

2 Hours Later
Well, the sun has gone down but, the strange thing is the mosquitoes have not gone to sleep yet. Instead, they are swarming all around us and seem to be biting more often. Ted said mosquitoes never sleep. I hope Ted is wrong or this is going to be a really long night.

In order to get some bears to come around our campsite, we have left out some chopped up pig carcass on the hood of the car. The engine was really hot by the time we got back here so we decided to cook half of the pig parts a bit to get the scent in the air. The rest of the pig parts we left in the back seat in case we needed more bate for later.

The pig parts were left over from when we were chumming for great white sharks out on Lake Michigan. I’m going to have to pick up a lot of pop and beer cans downtown to pay all the fines the Department of Natural Resources socked us with. Who knew you needed a fishing license to look for great white sharks?

Midnight
Well, my watch says its twelve o’clock and I think something’s going on in the brush. I can’t tell what it is but, something is grunting and, moaning and. circling our camp. At first I thought it was just my brother Mike going for a bathroom break but, he’s still snoring away in his sleeping bag. Well, neither of my brothers is sleeping now. Something big and black just attacked the car. We should have parked the car closer to the camp fire so we could watch the pig carcass better.

I’m not sure what this thing is but, it’s up on its hind legs chomping down on the pig parts. It can’t be a bear because they never stand on their hind legs like a human. It must be a big hairy human. We’ll know more tomorrow when it goes away and the sun is up.

Day 2
It’s 6 a.m. and something has not only eaten every last bit of pig but, it tore the heck out of Ted’s car. Ted is just sitting up in his sleeping bag not moving at all. He just stares over at his ride. I think he’s in some sort of coma or something. It’s a good thing he’s in a coma because all the windows were smashed and his back seat that held the rest of the pig parts well, I never liked the upholstery anyway. The outside of the car was in even worse condition. Two of the tires were chewed right down to the wire mesh inside of them. There are more claw marks than paint left on his old red Chevy. It’s a good thing I talked him into taking his car out on this trip. I’d be really upset if something ripped my car up like that.

We were very fortunate that the creature did leave some evidence behind for us to examine. At first I thought Mike had something to do with it but, he flatly denied knowing anything about the large brown pile of evidence. Yes, the creature took time last night to relieve itself near Ted’s Chevy. Of course, this was no bear that did this. It was a hairy giant manlike thing that stood up on its hind legs while it ate pig and destroyed the red Chevy. I have waited my entire life to find evidence of this creature. Yes, I saw the creature Native Americans call Sasquatch also, known as Big Foot.

Epilogue
As we walked out of the woods I was elated. Not only did I prove there were no bears in Michigan but, I proved the existence of Big Foot. The camera on my cell phone was not working again however, I had in a plastic baggy the evidence I needed to show the scientific world, the quality of the research I do here in Northern Michigan.

We walked about a half mile down the old two track lumber trail then; I thought we had some more luck. We spied a Department of Natural Resources officer walking our way. Unfortunately, the news he had for us was grim. It seems it is illegal to bait bears on state land so I got a whopping ticket for that. My brother Ted received a citation for abandoning a dilapidated vehicle on state land. The worst news was that removing Sasquatch droppings from their natural habitat is also illegal so, I had to put the pile back where I found it. The officer confiscated my empty bag in case I tried to snitch a little bit of illegal Sasquatch droppings.

Well, at least we proved that bears don’t exist here in the lower peninsula of Michigan. I do want to warn everybody that you should not leave any pork parts in your car overnight. My brother Ted found out the hard way that Sasquatch can be really persistent when it comes to pork. Next time, Ted is going to keep any extra pork we have in his sleeping bag where it is safe.

22220

THE NORTHEN MICHIGAN LIZARD MONSTER

By Ted Colin
Assistant Editor,
Humor News Nuts Blogazine

It has come to our attention that there is a strange creature lurking in North Western Michigan and his name is Lizard Boy. Many recent campers have cited this creature usually lying in the dirt slurping up worms and bugs. This would not be unusual for any creatures living in Northern Michigan including the people that live outside of town however, whenever Lizard Boy sees a person, he gets up on his hind legs, looks the person in the eye, they Lizard Boy runs away on his back legs with his long tail flapping behind him.

Besides his aforementioned flat tail, Lizard Boy is described as having a gray/brownish body with black and orange bands on his tail. He also has four toes and four fingers with little suction cups on the ends of his fingers. His eyes are round and his mouth is what many describe, as a round suction cup. Lizard Boy is about 6-15 inches long. Below you can see a rough sketch done by our forensic scientist/sketch type person. This sketch is based upon over 100 sittings of Lizard Boy although, no one really knows if Lizard Boy is a boy, a girl or an it. The sketch is posted below at the bottom of this page.

Upon showing our sketch to the local Department Of Resources (DNR) Agents, they just laughed and said they had "...never seen anything like that before!!!". We asked the DNR if Lizard boy might be from some other world? The DNR responded that "based upon the sketch and descriptions of this creature, it is just as likely it comes from outer space...".

The person who had the closest encounter with this "alien" was a Mrs. Paula Blinder from the town of Wild Imagination Michigan. Paula stated, "I got up out of my tent one morning and there was this lizard thing cooking bacon on my camp stove. The thing looked at me, scrunched up its sucker mouth a couple of times, slurped down my bacon and took off on his back legs, running into the woods. I never saw him again after that but, that picture you have looks just like him."

So, that's the story of Lizard Boy. We can only hope that this Lizard Boy is not just a baby. We can only hope that there is not some bigger Lizard Momma or Lizard Daddy out there waiting to eat even larger pieces of your bacon. Maybe this creature is just a part of an invasion force from another planet. Let us hope not or all of our bacon will be in jeopardy.

ODE TO LIZARD BOY
Mrs. Blinder, the poor lady that had the closest encounter with the lizard creature, has sent us a copy of a poem she wrote about the creature. Her encounter was so traumatic that she said that only through writing poetry can she deal with the nightmares she is still having after her confrontation with the strange creature.

LIZARD MONSTER
Lizard monster from the mist,
In my dreams your face persists,
You turn my mind from thoughts of good,
To your evil ways out in the wood,

Oh lizard boy or, is it man?
Will you grow bigger if you can?
Will your appetites increase?
Shall we campers have no peace?

After stealing my bacon,
Off into the woods you run,
Will you next eat pigs or sheep?
Will you devour me in my sleep?

Lizard boy where are you from,
No one knows from whence you come,
What are you, you little beast?
On what other worlds have you feast?

I have now said all I have to say,
I just wish you would go away,
You stole my bacon and my meal,
Now it's my sanity you steal.

I'm sure everyone wishes this poor lady a speedy recovery. Unfortunately, in regards to the creature, he appears to be getting much larger according to the most recent reports. He has also begun stealing other food from campers besides bacon. Hot dogs, bratwurst and even soda pop have been disappearing all over Northern Michigan. We can only hope that the lizard creature will be hunted down like the reptile he is and have the law serve him vengeance as cold as his reptilian blood.

41616

BIG BARRY’S BALLOONS: A SPACESHIP ODDITY

By Ted Colin
I recently received a call from a Big Barry who owns a toy factory over in Kalkaska County. He said that one night he threw an outdoor cookout party for his employees just behind the factory and according to Barry, several UFO‘s started to hover overhead. Barry said that all of his employees were so amazed at the hovering crafts that many of them dropped their plastic glasses of vodka laced fruit punch.

I was intrigued with what Barry had told me so I asked him if he still had any vodka laced fruit punch left. He said he had about ten gallons of it so I agreed to stake out his factory for an evening as long as I could have a gallon of fruit punch. Barry asked me “Are you going to use the fruit punch as bait to bring in the aliens?”

“Let’s just say that the fruit punch might make it easier for me to spot your UFO’s“, I replied.

Barry agreed to give me what I wanted so I showed up the next evening with my colleague Gerrard to see if we might just spot some UFO’s. Barry left a gallon of fruit punch on a picnic table just behind the main building. It was an old wood plank table set up evidently for the lunch breaks of the employees. Outdoor picnic table lunch facilities are common at Northern Michigan businesses. Barry not only left us the gallon of punch and some plastic cups to drink it with but, he also left us an old box full of various outdated snack packs that came from the vending machine. Barry had certainly gone all out to keep us happy. Gerrard and I each brought a sleeping bag since we were not intending to go anywhere especially if we had any fruit punch.

It was cloudy that evening so it got dark fairly early. Gerrard and I looked up at the gray darkening sky and saw several objects directly over the back parking lot of the factory. Gerrard and I squatted down behind the picnic table so as not to scare off the aliens. I started watching the aliens really close when I heard the constant crunching of corn chips by Gerrard. We had not been there more than twenty minutes and all the candy bars from the snack box were devoured by Gerrard. Now he was working on eating all the corn and potato chips. He was just smacking away while I was vigilantly watching the space ships hover over the yard. I figured it wouldn’t be long and all the snacks would be gone and I had not even eaten a bag of pretzels.

Finally, I had had enough of Gerrard. “Gerrard,” I said, “quit scarping down all the snack food and get your cell phone out. We need to get some pictures of these spaceships to prove that we didn’t just make this up.”

“I can’t take any pictures,” Gerrard replied.

“Why not?” I asked. “Didn’t you bring along your cell phone like I told you?”

“Oh I brought along my cell phone,” Gerrard assured me. “The only thing is the battery is dead so I can’t even tell people live what we’re doing on our Twitter account.”

“Dog gone it Gerrard. I spent all last night trying to figure out how to set up a Twitter account to compliment our blog. I did it just so we could be high tech tonight. Twitter is where it’s at now. Bloging is just so 2010. I was hoping pictures from your cell phone would compliment our tweet tonight and we’d be world famous with our proof of alien visitation. Now since you’ve messed everything up I guess there’s only one thing left for us to do. We’re going to have to capture one of those spacecraft and hold it until morning.”

I was really mad and it was a hot night and the heat made me feel even more intensely upset. I was still determined to prove that we had seen aliens so I stood up and moved around the picnic table and motioned for Gerrard to follow me. The closer we moved toward the initial siting the space ships seemed to appear. There must have been a dozen of them hovering over the ground at different altitudes. Some hovered over the barn while others hovered just a few feet above the earth. All of the spaceships seemed really small so I imagined that either the aliens were little teeny guys or perhaps the spaceships were just drones. In either case capturing just one of them would prove the existence of extraterrestrials once and for all.

As I said before it was really hot that night but, just as Gerrard and I approached the aliens a cool breeze came up which felt really good. Suddenly, the spacecrafts moved and tossed around.

“I’m getting kind of scared,” Gerrard whispered to me. “I’ve got to get a look at those things before I just go up there and grab one.” Gerrard pulled out a flashlight and aimed it directly at one of the spacecrafts. The light hit the nearest craft which was shaped like a heart. I believed that it must have been some sort of stealth design so that conventional radar and even a tachyon beam would not be able to detect it.

The craft itself was blood red in color with a curious message at the heart of it so to speak. It said, “BE MY VALENTINE”. Since we were no where near Valentines Day on the calendar I interpreted the message as one of friendship. Maybe the aliens thought that their message was a way to say “hello”. This gave me confidence that if we grabbed one of them they would not put up much of a fight since they might be thinking that Gerrard and I had peaceful intentions.

Gerrard suddenly flashed his light on another square shaped balloon This balloon was a steel blue in color with purple letters on it that said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”. “Now how did they know that today is my birthday?” Gerrard gasped.

“I didn’t know it was your birthday Gerrard,” I said. “If I had known it was your birthday I wouldn’t have been so upset when you ate up all the free candy bars and didn’t leave any for me.”

“Well, the reason the battery on my cell phone is dead is because I took so many pictures at my birthday party earlier today. I took a picture of mom and then I took dozens of pictures of my new pet rat named Jimmy. He is really quite. I put a little paper birthday hat on him made out of the same construction paper as the hat that mom made for me. He was so adorable I couldn’t stop taking pictures of him even after he drew a lot of blood when he bit mom’s finger. She had to get some rabies and tetanus shots but she‘s o.k. now”.

Gerrard and I were almost up to one of the spaceships when suddenly a gust of wind came up and all the spaceships sailed off into the woods behind the factory and were gone from sight. We did not go after them because the forests in Michigan are so dangerous at night. Big Foots and other monsters are all skulking around in the forest and humans are a nice little bedtime snack for a Michigan forest monster.

Gerrard and I stayed up a while longer waiting to see if the spaceships might return but they never came back. Gerrard saved some pretzels for me so I had my dinner that night and between the two of us we polished off the gallon of fruit punch that Barry had left for our payment.

The next day I told Barry about what Gerrard and I had seen during the night. Barry was puzzled as to why space aliens were so interested in his factory. “After all,” he said “we just make balloons here for special occasions. We make massive amounts of balloons for birthdays or holidays like Valentines Day and then ship them off en-mass to retailers all around the country. Occasionally, we test blown up balloons out back to see how long they stay blown up. Sometimes they go way up height and out of sight but they always return to earth when the helium seeps out. I just don’t understand why aliens would take such and interest in our low tech business.”

Well, there you have it. This is a mystery definitely solved but, not proven. We know aliens hover over Barry’s balloon factory but no one knows why. Perhaps the next time Barry has some left over fruit punch we might go back and spend some more time investigating the UFO sittings at Big Barry’s balloon factory.

11224

THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

HUNTING THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER
By Tim Collin

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protect protected natural habitat, hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggy”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggy if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggy we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapping turtle.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 15 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegmog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggy. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggy but the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggy had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

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EXPERT SAYS PETOSKEY STONES ARE ALIEN BRAIN CELLS THAT DESTROYED THE DINOSAURS

Ted Colin

Junior Editor/Contributor

a humor News Online Publications

What do we really know about the Petoskey Stone? We know it is only found in a very specific region on the planet Earth. That region is Northern Lake Michigan extending up to Lake Superior. Several sites on the internet explain that the petoskey stone is a fossilized coral from the Devonian Era which would make the stone approximately 350 million years old. We have found someone with a very different opinion.

In an old gravel pit about ten miles west of Traverse City, there is a Petoskey stone dig site managed by Professor I. M. Alyar. Professor Alyar teaches Paleontology, Astrophysics, Alien Psychology and, Human Proctology at the Bare Truth Online Institute of Education and Adult Photo Journalism.

We caught up with Professor Alyar at the dig site to ask him about the theory he was advocating regarding the origin of the Petoskey Stone. The Professor had previously contacted us and said he would pay us $50.00 to publish a story about his “Origin of the Petoskey Stone” theory. After some intense negotiations, the Professor also agreed to pay for our gas. The following is an outline of the theory as he explains it:

“The Petoskey Stone came to my attention as I noticed that people were making a lot of money picking up these stones and selling them on EBay and to tourists. I remembered that my uncle I. Ben Alyar owned this old gravel pit where I picked up petoskey stones as an under graduate student. It then occurred to me that I could get a government grant that would pay me a salary to do research on the petoskey stone for a couple of years. So last year I began digging up petoskey stones for research and the extra stones I sell for money (cash only, no receipt if you want any).

Well, last week I received a letter from the government wanting to know why I haven’t published any papers on my findings. The letter went on to say that if I were fraudulently obtaining grant money that I could be prosecuted if I did not return the money with interest. I like most people in Michigan have a penchant for Black Jack so; I have no money to give back and no published paper.

Then, suddenly it hit me. As I was in the bar located out on the highway, I suddenly realized that the petoskey stone seemed to look a lot like a piece of gray brain matter. But, not just any gray matter. Animal gray matter does not have those eyes. Then, I realized that those were not eyes but, they were individual cells. These were cells to the brain of some incredible creature. Brain cells of incredible size that must have belonged to a massive brain. This brain had died 350 million years ago and had been fossilized over time. It all made sense. Over eons of years, glaciers broke up the fossil and scattered brain cells all across Northern Michigan.

But, I asked myself, where does this giant brain come from? There is no evidence in the fossil records to indicate this creature ever existed. Finally, I concluded that this creature was not of this world. It was in fact a creature from outer space that most likely died upon impact with our planet over 350 million years ago.

The fact that the creature had or was a giant brain means it must have been physic. This makes sense because many physics use this stone for healing or to go into trances to see the future. I should charge more money for the stones I sell. Perhaps a medical research facility will be built in my name to study the medical uses of the Petoskey Stone.”

Because the Professor kept rambling on, I shut off my recorder. We of course believe everything he postulated. True to our word, we are publishing his theories now. A couple of days ago the Professor was arrested. This is too bad because we were thinking of making him our official scientific advisor. Yesterday I received a call from the Professor asking if I would use the $50.00 he gave me to help bail him out of jail. I told him that unfortunately, I was a problem gambler and lost the money playing foosball.

ODE TO THE PETOSKEY STONE
By I. M. Alyar
Oh vain,
Petoskey stone,
Are you an alien brain,
Or seaweed bone,

Why do you lay,
And splash on the beach?
Have you something to say?
Have you something to teach?

Maybe your looks,
Can make me some pay,
I'll polish you up,
To sell on eBay.

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FINDING AND AVOIDING QUICK SAND ALONG MICHIGAN RIVERS, LAKES AND, STREAMS

By Tim Colin
Editor
A Humor News Nuts Publication
A Division of Frank Humor and I.M. Nuts Inc.

Today we are going to be talking about a safety issue. Each year pretty much no one is reported drowning in quick sand in Michigan. Of course, the victims of quick sand submerging  are never found, nor are they ever heard from again. This makes it difficult to estimate the number of lethal quick sand incidents each year however, in Michigan alone I would venture to guess that at least a thousand, or so people disappear into the wet cavities of the earth each year. Since there are no apparent remains left after a quick sand incident, the only way the loved ones will ever know of a quick sand disappearance is by using a Ouija Board.

There may of course, be remains found one day of the victim. Perhaps in a million years or so a fossilized finger might turn up in someone’s tomato garden. Of course, the finder of said finger will admire it for a moment or two and then, toss the stone aside just as we do today whenever we find a fossilized animal or human bone in our garden.

Although there is a lot of science stuff regarding what quick sand is and how it is formed etc., etc., I decided the best way to explore quick sand is to go out and find some. I believe that a hands on approach to finding out about quick sand is much better than just reading some mumbo jumbo in a text book. Besides, how complicated could quick sand be? It is wet sand and if you step in it you go down in it and you become a permanent resident of the underground. Besides, I watched an episode of MacGyver where he got out of quick sand so, I pretty much know what to do.

A warning to the public: QUICK SAND IS VERY DANGERROUS SO, IF YOU WANT TO GO SWIMMING IN IT YOU HAD BEST NOT GO ALONE. I was able to get my brother Mike to come along with me on this trip. I promised him he could keep all the cans and bottles we found so he could turn them in for the deposit money.

We picked a fast moving river that ran through a swamp. It had been raining for over a week so the river was about three times deeper and moved much faster than usual. We each wore waders since sometimes the water went up to the crack under your knee caps. We waded down stream from where we were parked for over an hour but, we did not find any quick sand but, there was a lot of mud and bugs. If you opened your mouth, you could get a full course meal of bugs, with textures ranging from jellied to crunchy.

Finally, we had a little action. My brother had wandered off down river about a hundred feet or so when he lost his footing and was grabbed by the current and rushed down river over sharp rocks, sharp sticks and logs as hard as concrete. I smirked a little when he fell in but, when I saw his head bobble away down the rapids I decided I would be expected to at least go look for his body.

Just as I was moving along the river bank trying to figure out how I would explain my brothers demise to my parents and his new girlfriend, wouldn’t you know it, I stepped into some quick sand and was up to my waste in liquid earth. I immediately yelled for my brother Mike to come and save me in the off chance he had managed to save himself and could thus, save me. I yelled several times but, he never showed up so I knew I was on my own. I had a cell phone but, I knew it would be too late for me if I called for help. The best I could do with my phone was to take some pictures as I slowly sank to my doom.

I decided as I sank that I was not going to give up. I wanted to live to inherit some money from my parents one day. With my brother Mike and myself gone, my brother Ted would get everything. I just could not stand that thought. I had to find a way out.

The problem with quick sand is that MacGyver was right on his reality show: the more you struggle the more you sink. I was already up to my belly button and I knew I would not last long. I would have done something based on science like MacGyver but, I flunked chemistry in high school and took mostly PE and Wood Shop classes for electives.

Finally, I had some luck. An overhanging branch from a spruce tree was just in reach of my finger tips. Gradually, I worked my entire hand up the branch then; I grabbed the branch with my other hand and pulled my body up, out of my waders and safely onto muddy, but stable ground. I sat there a couple of minutes covered with mud. My shoes and waders were long gone so I would have to make my way back to the car with just my socks covering my feet. All I wanted to do was go home, take a hot shower and go to the bar.

When I got to the car, my brother Mike was there. He had a lot of cuts and bruises but, he was still alive. He told me that the river wound around back towards the pull off where the car was parked. Mike said that as he sailed past our car he grabbed onto a piece of brush hanging out over the river. He said he didn’t know how he was going to make it to shore since the current was so strong he couldn’t get his feet to touch the river bottom. Finally, his waders filled up with water and then the heavey boot ends sank like rocks to the river bottom. The bottom was just over waste high and with the added weight of the water in his waders, Mike easily walked back up to the shore.

I told Mike I had fallen into quick sand as I rushed to save him. I then asked him why he didn’t come when I hollered for him .He claimed he didn’t hear me scream. He said the rush of the river was so loud that my calls for help must have been drowned out.

In conclusion, you should be careful when looking for quick sand along Michigan’s rivers, lakes and, streams. If you do fall into quick sand hopefully there is a low hanging branch near by so that you can pull yourself out. You see, in woods of Northern Michigan, if you get into trouble,no one can hear you scream.

PP02242020

THE SANTA SECRET TOY FACTORY IN MANCELONA MICHIGAN

By Mike Colin
This year I’ve decided to find out why Santa Claus quit bringing me presents when I was twelve years old. That year all I got for Christmas was a pair of socks. My dad wasn’t working at the time and my parents told me that a pair of socks was all they could afford. “Besides,” my parents said, “you need socks because the sock monster keeps gobbling up your socks in the cloths dryer.” I asked them why I did not get any presents from Santa and they both said I was too old to believe in Santa anymore.

That did not make since to me. If Santa never existed why would everyone tell kids that Santa was going to bring them presents if they were good? Why lie about such a thing as the existence of the jolly old elf? I was traumatized for years.

It has been more than ten years and I still believe in Santa and I am going to find out why he quit coming to my house and giving me presents. I know my brothers are both evil and never deserved any presents. I could see why Santa finally wised up and quit bringing them stuff but, I was different. I was always really good and I never lost faith in his existence.

This year I read somewhere that Santa has a secret toy factory about 50 miles from here in a small town called Mancelona. It seems he purchased an old factory that used to make cheese and now he makes lots of old fashioned, environmentally correct toys. People say that Santa set up a factory in Mancelona because it is beautiful here in Northern Michigan and a great place to live. Consequently, Santa can pay his elves a lot less money if they work here versus working up above the artic circle. Here we have low pay but a view of the bay. At the North Pole you get a bigger slice of the pie but, if you go outside you die.

Today I drove over to Mancelona and stopped into their old cheese factory. The windows are all boarded up but, I went up to a door on the side of the building and wrapped on it. Suddenly, a shaggy elf appeared in the doorway. It took me a couple of minutes but then, I recognized the little guy was area resident and celebrity the Easter Bunny. He stood in the doorway holding a wrapped package with a bow on it. “Hi,” he said, “I’m not allowed to let anyone in but, Santa wanted me to give you this Christmas gift.” Mr. Bunny handed me the gift and then shut the door.

So there I stood with the package in my hand. I went back home and decided to open it even though it is not Christmas yet. I was surprised to find a pair of socks inside with a note from Santa. The note said:

“I’m sorry I missed getting this present to you when you were twelve years old. Twelve is the normal cut off but our computers were down that year and we thought you were 13 at the time. Again, I’m sorry we missed you on the last Christmas that you qualified for a gift from Santa. Please accept this gift I’ve been holding for you all these years. I know how poor your family is so I thought I would get you something that would help keep your little toes from getting frost bite during the long Michigan Winters.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus”

I have been elated all the rest of the day. Santa really did care about me and it was just a problem with his computer that caused him to not deliver my present. From now on I will always give a strong testimony to the existence of Santa. The only question I have left is why Michael Moore was over in Santa’s workshop and are there more celebrities in the old cheese factory? I wonder.

GREAT SCAT FESTIVAL IN COLIFORM CITY MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
This past weekend I attended the 14th Scat Festival that is held every other six months in the Northern Michigan town of Coliform City. The festival celebrates the opening of scat hunting season which runs from October until September each year. There is of course the crowning of the Scat Queen and her court along with the Scat Festival parade and family oriented beer tent complete with a hard liquor bar and people dressed up in wild animal costumes to celebrate the wildlife that produces such an abundance of scat in our Northern Michigan woodlands.

In addition to the family fun under the beer tent there are other activities designed to both educate and fascinate everyone who enjoys Michigan festivals. One tent is dedicated to the merchants and vendors who have always worked hard to give Coliform City the name it deserves. Inside the merchant tent you will find an abundance of items which are partially or completely made from scat. I personally bought a tee-shirt with real scat on the front and the back which depicted a wilderness seen. I could not resist the beauty of the shirt with its many different hues of browns, grays along with the old standby black scat.

In addition to the tee-shirt I also bought some scat scented candles for my ex-girlfriend. We only went out on one date before she broke up with me but, I’m hoping these scat scented candles will make her want to come back to me and get married or something.

One of my favorite places in the Scat Festival Merchants tent is the long row of people offering up consumables made from the most versatile material known as scat. There was a variety of items including scat scampi which is made from scat retrieved from the catfish ponds at the Willows farm. There were scat burgers and scat hotdogs which have just a touch of mint added to each to heighten the aromatic fragrances emanating from the scat. I chewed down on scat sausage and later had my fill of rhubarb/scat berry pie. The pie of course was made from bear scat retrieved from a grove full of blackberries. Boy was that delicious.

The rarest consumable in the merchant tent was the scatsup. Scatsup comes from the Hildebrandt Tomato Farm. Scatsup is one of Michigan’s major exports to foreign countries like Pittsburg and Seattle. Scatsup is an expensive commodity as it sells for more than $800 for a half oz. After talking to Dominick Hildebrandt at the scatsup both I realized that scatsup was expensive because it is made from the scat of green tomato worms. It seems that because the tomato worms are so small that each worm only produces about a teaspoon of scat before the tomato worm surcomes to malathion poisoning. Of course it is the malathion that produces the hallucinogenic affects which is what makes scatsup so sought after by the best restaurants around the world. So anyway, the Hildebrandt tomato farm covers about 900 acres but produces just eight gallons of scatsup each year.

Dominick pointed out to me that many entrepreneurs have tried to make large amounts of money by selling a knockoff scatsup product known as sketchsup. The sketchup schemes begin with an entrapanuer donating like a truckload of overly ripe tomatoes to a homeless shelter. Twenty four hours later these men show back up to the homeless shelter and ask for their tomatoes back. Most of the people at the shelter oblige the men and give back to the entrepreneur human scat which contains the tomatoes. Of course human scat has a very foul pungent taste and odor and that is easily detected by connoisseurs who have a trained nose and palette.

After leaving the festival I could not but help wishing to return to the next Scat Festival in the little town of Fecal Michigan. I was also starting to become anxious to receive my license in the mail which would allow me to hunt scat anywhere in Kalkaska County. I hope to get enough scat this year to invite to a scat cookout all of my friends and, family and, hopefully my ex-girlfriend.

THE FRANKENMOOSE MONSTER

THE LEGEND OF THE FRANKENMOOSE
By Ted Collin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts

The legend has it that the Frankenmoose was created by a German surgeon and neurologist named Dr. Stein Franken. He was a Professor at The University of Michigan Medical School and lived near the town of Frankenmuth Michigan. Dr. Franken lived on a busy highway just out of town. There was a bend in the highway in front of Dr. Franken’s house and there were many fatal accidents.

Back in the 1980’s there was a terrible accident involving a circus truck, the tiger inside and, a large moose that leaped out onto the highway. There were body parts all over the highway. Some of the parts were from the human driver. Some were of the tiger that was on board the circus truck and of course, other parts were those of the moose.

Dr. Franken was drinking beer and sitting on his front porch when the accident occurred. He saw the truck speed around the bend and slammed into the moose that ran out from a corn field. Dr. Franken staggered out to the scene of the accident to look for survivors. The Doctor found lots of dead and dying body parts but, could not find enough of any one creature to keep alive. The Doctor decided that if there were not enough body parts to save any one creature, he would put the healthiest parts he could find together to form one animal. That creature would have the best parts and hence, the best chance of survival.

The resulting creature was something the world had never seen before. It had the legs and claws of a tiger, the trunk and head of a moose and, the ears of the driver. The creature also had a brain made up of human, tiger and moose brain cells the resulting creature was a true abomination. The creature had the antlers and torso of a moose, the face and claws of a tiger and the ears of the human truck driver. In addition, the brain was sewn together of almost equal thirds of human, tiger and, moose.


You may ask why Dr. Franken did what he did. Many believe that Dr. Stein Franken was a mad man that was taking the opportunity to experiment with life by bending the very laws of nature. Still others believe that Dr. Franken was operating in the most humane way he could and any person with his skill, placed in the same position, would have acted in the same manner. However, the fact that Doctor Franken was wearing Lederhosen and had just returned from a full day dancing the polka at a beer tent, leads most to believe the good doctor had greatly impaired judgment at the time of the accident. The fact that he had to be driven home from the beer tent seems to further bolster the idea that Dr. Stein Franken had a drinking problem that day.

Doctor Franken had a barn in his back yard where he assembled and then kept the creature. No one was aware of the creatures’ existence. There was such a mess on the highway that the body parts used to create the creature were never missed. . Meanwhile, the creature healed itself in the barn with Dr. Franken giving the creature a meat/ plant plasma substance in an intravenous tube. The doctor tried to nourish all the original animal parts. Each third of the brain had its own distinct cravings. The tiger craved fresh meat; the moose craved swamp grass and mauling people with its antlers and, the human wanted bratwurst, beer and football. These competing passions made the creature completely insane. At first, the creature seemed uncomfortable using the bathroom. Dr. Franken left the creature a little pot to help the monster feel more human. After that, the creature seemed to calm down and he no longer worried about where he relieved himself.

At first the creature seemed quite at ease with Dr Franken, his wife, and their children Celine and Angeles. The children rode the creature around the back yard. They played tag football with the monster and, they even invited it to join them in their nightly bratwurst cookouts. There as one sign of a potential problem. The doctor began to notice that small amounts of his grass were missing. He figured that the children were too young to be getting into his grass. His wife said she was not doing it. Besides, it was her grass too.

One night, during the family bratwurst cookout, the creature accidentally swished his tail across the fiery grill and his tail caught fire. The creature ran back and fourth across the yard until he finally drug his rump several feet across the grass dogie style. This put out the fire on the monsters tail but, it ignited a fierce insanity in the beast. The creature chomped down a bratwurst from the little girls’ hand, guzzled the entire keg of beer the doctor had for himself for the evening, then the creature bounded out into the vast acreage of corn fields that surrounded the doctors’ home.

The creature had escaped from the doctor and went from football stadium to football stadium hunting down uncooked bratwurst, kegs of beer and chased down fans that smelled like grass. The Frankenmoose chased after some of the fans if he smelled grass on their clothing. The monster would also rip up any AstroTurf he came across. Apparently the Frankenmoose felt that AstroTurf was an abomination not just because it tasted bad but, because it spoiled the game of football. Man was not made to play such a great sport on plastic grass. That is what I believe the Frankenmoose must have been thinking.

After several weekends of the above mentioned debauchery, several men in black suits showed up and slipped several million doses of a powerful sleeping pill into all the kegs of beer at every single football stadium in Michigan. The men dressed in black wanted to make sure that wherever the Frankenmoose attacked, he would be knocked out long enough to take him into custody. Their plan worked. The Frankenmoose, along with everyone else in the stadium except the young kids and the players, was found completely passed out at a Lions football game.

The monster was then taken away by the MIB and has never been heard from again. Dr. Franken and his wife have retired to Sutton's Bay Michigan. There they entertain friends and try to forget the tragedy that caused their family such great horror and sorrow. Their children also share the burden of their fathers’ mistake. Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that the Frankenmoose will forever make bratwurst an indigestible food for the Stein Franken family.

MICHIGAN BACK FORTY WHISKY STILL KEEPERS SEE BAD WINTER COMMING

By Mike Colin
The squirrels are plump this year and the old guys around town have really thick whiskers so it’s going to be a hard winter in Northern Michigan. The Lumberman’s Almanac predicts stuff is really going to get deep up here in Michigan. The head of the Back Forty Whisky Still Keepers Association said that he knows the upcoming winter will be long because when his still blew up last week he could not see his shadow. In fact, he couldn’t see anything until he came too after being in a coma for three days. The doctors said the still explosion didn’t cause the coma but it was what the guy drank before it exploded that caused him to pass out for three days.

The Back Forty Whisky still Keepers Association has issued a statement regarding giving out free samples of product to lumber jacks. It seems that back forty whisky and cutting down trees is not a good mixture. In fact there is a drink in Northern Michigan called the Flattened Lumberjack. One drink and you feel like a big pine tree that you felled wrong flattened your body. The good news is that after a drink of backwoods whisky even if a tree does fall on you, you won't ever feel a thing.

NORTHERN MICHIGAN DEER HUNTING ADVICE: TOILETS IN THE WOODS

by Mike Colin
Associate Writer
Humor News Nuts

Well, it's deer hunting season again and I'm getting ready to go way out into the deer woods and see if I can't bag me a big buck.  I've got my dad's 30'06 rifle and that gun will take'em down but, I also picked up some buckshot so I could get a buck this year but, I can't seem to get the ammo to fit.  I sure hope I can figure it out while I'me out in my deer blind.

As far as blinds go I've put the best one together.  My girlfriend lets me use her credit card when she isn't looking and this year I used her card to have a wrecker haul in a bunch of old cars and set them up in a fortress.  I think I'm going to get in between the cars and be able to peer out at the deer or have a "deer peer."  I'm not that big of a dude so, I should able to hide quite easily from the deer.  Also, the metal in the vehicles should give me personal protection from other hunters. The deer woods is a dangerous place in Northern Michigan.

 I'm not hunting with my brothers this year so, I don't expect to get anymore wounds.  My one brother is always drinking and shooting at everything that moves.   My other brother just seems to like shooting at me.  I'm sure he means to miss me but, I'm beginning to hate spending every Thanksgiving on life-support.

 Hunting without my family will seem kind of different this year but, my brothers and cousins all sat down on the toilet seats at the county fair and seem to have developed a rare form of terminal scabies.  You would think that with all the skin diseases my family has had over the years that we would have developed an immunity to those little scabies bugs.  Of course, you would think that grown men would know better than to sit down on public toilets in Northern Michigan.  My cousin Lacey claims she got pregnant from a public toilet.  After hearing that I decided that toilet seats were just too dangerous to sit down on.
Now, for most deer hunters the woods is their toilet.  Every hunting season the lives of a lot of trees are saved as hunters switch from using toilet paper to leaves, grass and of course twigs  and sticks for older hunters.  There are some hunters who want to show how tough they are by using pine cones.  Others, like going bear-style by rubbing against some rough tree bark.  Overall, the type of natural toiletries used is just one of those things that make deer hunting a memorable experience.

Well, it's time for me to hit the hay and get some sleep before my hunting adventure begins tomorrow.  Finally, I wish all of you hunters out there the best of luck hunting and I wish all of you non-hunters out there the best of luck at avoiding the many stray bullets this season is sure to bring us.  And of course, everyone should make sure that they know their blood type.  It saves a lot of time once you get to the emergency room.

THE TERROR OF THE SNOWMAN

HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE
By Tim Colin

Last night my brother’s Ted, Mike our colleague Gerrard and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil and come to life after midnight every December when the moon is full. Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank and he was born in Germany back in 1902. Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a leash out for a walk through it. Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago but imagines that the pooch is still alive. Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday and after mid-night he imagines taking his dog for a walk so the dog can do its business in the children’s park. Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank people in the village where he was born believed that in December when the moon was full the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen. Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend. I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany. Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains so he must have been a highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic. Neither of my brothers said anything because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America. My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night. I listened to a police scanner the other night and sure enough there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park when it was blowing snow and well below freezing. I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman. I then decided to assemble a team to set out in the cold with me and wait for the dangerous snow beast. I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape. I had things pretty well planned out. Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night it was cold and quiet. The clouds had parted revealing a glowing white full moon. There was a large snowman in the park and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide and observe the creature and hopefully avoid being switched. Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us so I persuaded my younger brother Mike that he should find another place to hide. He is not too bright so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow. Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.

Ted, Gerrard and, I hid behind the walls of the snow fort waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park. Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move. “Did you see that?” I said.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted. “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard. “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold? Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines. I know because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid. Or was that Mt. Pleasant? I get those two cities mixed up a lot. I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said. “That thing is still moving out there and I think it is creeping our way. Where’s’ the bat? We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted. “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea. “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in. I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.” Mike did not rustle under the snow. He was either too afraid to act or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us. You just can’t count on family for anything. I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all. I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried. I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike we unburied his face. I slapped his face a couple of times but he did not wake up. Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard. “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded. “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves. Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit. Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically like Frankenstein’s monster. The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand held over his right shoulder. When Gerrard got close to the snow monster he smashed it in the head with the bat. With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared. Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast. Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack. After a few seconds Gerrard was fine. Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow. I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad then I would have been switched a lot because I have been a bad boy several times this last year.

Dr. STEIN FRANKEN AND HIS TURK/BEAR MONSTER

By Ted Colin
I caught up with Dr. Stein Franken in a back alley as he exited the sheriff’s headquarters in downtown Traverse City. I asked the good doctor if he would join me for a cup of coffee at a nearby café. At first he scoffed at the idea but then, he recognized me as the blog reporter who interviewed him and his family after they were attacked during a neighborhood backyard luau by the notorious Northern Michigan Lizard Monster. Evidently, Dr. Franken thought that I understood what he and his family went through when they were attacked by the lizard monster. Dr. Franken had appreciated the fact that I had not put too fine a point on the fact that he and his neighbors were nudists and that they were all buck naked when the lizard monster attacked. It seems my cover-up of the nudist propensities of this former University of Michigan research geneticist had earned me an interview.

Dr. Stein Franken and I drove over to the Flap Jack Shack for coffee and pancakes. They have terrific pancakes but, the coffee there is simply great and I figured an old lush like Dr. Franken could probably use a little coffee to make his story more coherent. Dr. Franken ravenously ate down a plate of pancakes and guzzled an entire coffee pot of caffeinated coffee. I was unable to finish my pancakes because Dr. Franken has a long grey beard and it was just full of pieces of pancake and sticky pancake syrup and he was sitting right across from me and he just made me sick. He had coffee drooling out the corner of his mouth and his bad breath made my eyes tear up.

Finally, I decided to start the interview. “So Dr. Franken, what have you done now?” I asked.

“It really is not my fault” replied Dr. Franken,” I have a real drinking problem and every time I overindulge I start thinking about how I can improve the world. I begin to think about how I could play God and make this a better place for all creatures great and small. I see all the creatures frolicking in the forest and I really believe that I can help evolution along in some way. Well, yesterday I was fishing and drinking cherry schnapps when this big black bear came out of the woods and he would not leave me alone until I gave to him my two rainbow trout I had caught that morning. While this thieving creature ate my trout I noticed a giant snapping turtle was crawling up the river bank. I decided that the bear might be more attractive with a turtle head, backside and, shell so I kicked the bear as hard as I could in the groin and did the same to the turtle. Both animals were in such pain that they passed out and did not come too until the operation was complete. I had spliced together the genes and body parts of a bear and turtle and created the world’s first bearturt.”

“So what happened with this bearturt?” I asked.

The old Doctor looked blankly at me as he was retrieving what turned out to be some horrifying memories of the bearturt. “Well,” began the doctor,” the bearturt was really quite a hideous creature and I told it so. It seemed to get perturbed but I’m not sure if it was mad because of what I had done to it or that I had told it that it was ugly. At any rate, it chased me out of the forest and onto a highway. The bearturt then flipped over several cars and flipped off several SUV drivers. SUV drivers always tailgate so I always preprogram all the creatures I create to flip SUV drivers off. At about this point the sheriff and his deputies showed up and starting shooting at the awful looking creature but it seems the turtle shell kept the bullets from penetrating any vital organs. The creature then fled into the woods to do whatever horrible a bear/turtle monster might do.”

Dr. Stein Franken was so high on coffee that I had to drive him home. After I dropped off the mad scientist I began to wonder how mankind could make such hideous destructive things like the turkbear but, we are unable to cure male pattern baldness. We are truly a messed up society and we do not have our priorities right.

NOSE SLUGS ENTER BRAINS IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

THE BED BUG NOSE SLUG
By Tim Colin
Many people with cabins in the deep woods of Northern Michigan have been complaining about being attacked by a type of nose slug that lives in the bedding like a bed bug. But, unlike a bed bug the nose slug slithers up into your nose, nourishes itself on your nose hairs and then continues up into the brain cavity where it lays its eggs and then dies. For the next six weeks the victim will have to go everywhere without a single nose hair hanging down below the nostril.

Drake Nostrello was one such victim. “You cannot believe how embarrassing it is to walk around with no nose hairs. It would be less noticeable if I had had my eyebrows eaten off then my nose hairs. Without nose hairs my nostrils are always so dry that they constantly itch. You can tell when someone has been attacked by a nose slug because they constantly have their fingers up their nose scratching away at that incredibly dry nostril skin.”

Diane Nosette, another victim of the nose slug said that “The worst thing about the nose slug is when the eggs they lay in your brain hatch out. The eggs turn into little butterfly that fly out of your nose at the oddest times. Sometimes they fly out during dinner which makes anyone you’re having dinner with quite uncomfortable. No one ever says anything because I guess they don’t want to embarrass me by pointing out that little butterflies are coming out of my nose. I recently got married and my honeymoon was a complete disaster. My husband still won’t give my nose a kiss because he’s afraid a bunch of bugs will fly out at him."

There has never been an outbreak of nose slugs in Michigan that was this serious. Most experts believe the nose slugs entered this country from Canada where nose slugs are very common. It seems the first settlers in Canada did not have anything to trim their nose hairs so they imported the first nose slugs to this continent. The Canadians also found that nose slugs were very good to eat and worked well as a sausage casing. Nose slugs by themselves are said to taste best with mayonnaise although French Canadians prefer nose slugs with cheese sauce and light vinaigrette.

THE MULTI-VERSE ME

WILL I EVER SEE ME AGAIN?

By Tim Colin
Last night I went down to the best burger-joint restaurant in Northern Michigan. I’m of course talking about the HAVE GUTS, EAT MEAT BURGER franchise down on Quinsy Avenue. The world famous Guts Burger is truly a family favorite for locals and tourists alike. The burger itself is made up of over one pound of pure animal guts with no other additives. The guts types of animals the guts come from is of course a corporate secret and the Guts Burger Corporation has taken many large companies to court to ensure that no one else in the world uses the same secret combination of guts that the Guts Burger chain of restaurants has painstakingly developed at a secret chemical lab in Detroit. Of course there is also the secret spleen sauce that goes on every Guts Burger. This sauce certainly brings out the flavor of the meat and the sauces mucus like drippings enhances the overall ambiance of the Guts Burger experience.
The Guts Burger is served with a side order of deep fat fried Okra with a large ice-free cup of Sinus Soda. Sinus Soda is produced right here in the backwoods of Northern Michigan and is a winter favorite amongst area shoppers. Sinus Soda is a seasonal drink so if you want the fresh stuff you had better purchase it from mid-fall until early spring.

Now I stop into my favorite restaurant at least once a week however, something happened last night that really got my attention. You see I had just bellied up to the bar and was ready to order dinner when I notice a man sitting a couple of seats down from who was wearing a really odd looking suit. Now the suit was something I remember seeing my old man wear in his high school yearbook. I believe it was called a leisure suit and was popular with the disco crowd back in the 1970’s. The suit was a light blue color with a wide pocket on both the right and left side and a very wide lapel and collar. Now this suit was odd enough but I also notice that the man looked like someone I had seen much earlier that day. In fact he looked just like the guy I saw in the bathroom mirror that morning when I was spitting out toothpaste into the sink. In other words, the guy looked just like me.
“Hey guy,” I said. “You look just like me.”
The man looked over at me and replied, “That’s because I am you, you Bozo”.
Suddenly, I realized that this guy was me and that I must have used my 1974 Matador time travel machine to travel back to the 1970’s where, I must have changed into that freaky disco leisure suit. Maybe I was trying to blend in to pick up chicks in the distant past. Maybe girls were nicer to guys like me back then. I then began to realize that since I did not remember ever time traveling back to the 1970’s in the past then I must be going to travel back to the 1970’s sometime in the future. Now, I was becoming a little concerned as to why this future self was here? Was he here in this restaurant to warn me about something? Maybe he was here to try to stop me from eating something. Maybe something I was about to consume was going to give me indigestion, a heart attack or, maybe a brain tumor.

“So are you here to warn me about something?” I asked. “You must be my future self because if you were my present self I’d remember who you were.”

“Heck No,” replied the good looking guy in the leisure suit. “I’m really here from another universe to find out the secret behind the best burgers in the entire multi-verse. You know I recently snuck out into the backroom and found out that the secret ingredient in the best burgers in the multi-verse is chipmunk lips. It seems that road-killed chipmunks are harvested throughout all of Michigan and their lips are mixed up with the guts of many different creatures but it is the lips that give the meat a nutty flavor.”
“So if you’re not from the future then did you travel from a parallel universe in a 1974 Matador?” I asked.
“No of course not,” replied the other me. “A 1974 AMC Matador is for time travel only. In order to travel between universes you have to have a 1973 red and white Volkswagen Camper Van with a pop top. No other vehicle in anywhere in the multi-verse can take you from one universe to the next.”

“I thought those old Volkswagen Campers were what hippies used to drive around,” I remarked.
“Of course hippies drove around those vehicles. The hippies in your world actually came from another universe. You see there is a universe filled with communal horticulturalists. These horticulturalists go from universe to universe spreading their philosophy of free love along with planting some of their favorite plants everywhere they go. Do you have a historical character called Johnny Apple Seed in your world?” asked my multi-verse twin.
“Yes we do,” I replied. “He went around planting apple tree seeds all over America. Today you can find apple trees all over the country.”
“Well, the hippies do something similar only on a universe to universe type of scale,” my twin self explained. Then my twin self said goodbye and left the restaurant leaving me to wonder if I’d ever see myself again.

PET BEARS ARE BEING LET LOOSE IN NORTHERN MICHIGAN

By Ted Colin
There is a worsening problem here in Northern Michigan. It seems that people are coming from all over the United States and Canada and releasing their pet bears back into the wild here in Michigan. We in Northern Michigan know this because bears have been extinct here for decades. It seems that twenty or so years ago several Big Foot monsters invaded Michigan from Canada and, everyone knows the favorite food of the Big Foot is bear meat. It did not take the Big Foots long to exterminate the bear population and then they started to devour our native yeti population.

At any rate, the citing of bears this fall has been phenomenal. It is not just black bears that people are citing in Northern Michigan but, several citing of Kodiak bears and even polar bears have been reported to the Department of Natural Resources (DNR).

Now a lot of you people out there think that Michigan, with its swamps and stands of pine trees would be a perfect place to release your pet bear back to nature. But, you have to understand that by releasing your pet bear here in the northern woods you are really sentencing your pet to a really horrible death. You see we still have a massive number of big
foots in Northern Michigan.

In some counties there are more big monsters than there are people. So, if you release a pet bear in Northern Michigan it will be eaten by a big foot monster. That is just a given. In addition,the big foot monster usually eats the bear alive by starting it's feeding frenzy by
licking then nibbling on the toes. Finally,the big foot monster works it's tongue over the entire animal before it begins to devour first the ears and then the nose. It is of course a long grueling and erotic death for the poor bear.